Summer is coming or maybe it’s already here.
80’s.
Yes, 80 degrees Fahrenheit.
That’s what the temperature is fast approaching here in good old Richmond, Virginia.
Did I ever tell you that I don’t like summer and heat?
Pale skin and the inability to sweat makes summer inconvenient.
I dread it.
Don’t get me wrong – I love the lush green foliage, colorful flowers, fragrant fresh cut grass, chirping of crickets, and all the wonders that summer brings.
But…
I’m definitely a cold weather winter person.
The one thing I know is that summer will come and then it will go just like the winter.
Nothing is permanent – happiness, sadness, day, night, summer, winter, pleasure, pain, yesterday, today or tomorrow.
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
~ Rose Kennedy ~
A few weeks ago when I told you about someone who died, it unsettled me. I thought if I wrote about my feelings it would help me move on, but I don’t seem to be able to shake it. Then today I realized what might be making it hang on.
You know how the subconscious keeps track of everything? We may have been able to shove a person or experience out of our present state of mind, but that doesn’t mean it won’t affect us.
Almost six years ago I lost my mind because my daughter was in a coma at the brink of death and I couldn’t help her.
The experience broke me.
As you know, after a long battle and lots of work, I was healed, put back together, and basically restored to a sane minded person again.
People still don’t understand what I went through and now that I’m “healthy” it is easier to just forget that anything was wrong with me if they even admit that the effects of PTSD nearly killed me. Things that happen to the mind make people uncomfortable.
I lived in PTSD Hell for so long that sanity, love, peace and happiness are not things I take for granted now.
Just as it takes time for winter to turn to summer, it took time to heal my broken mind.
I believe that Rose Kennedy hit the nail on the head when she said, “…the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” Because of all the experiences over the last six years (daughter died in my arms, PTSD, dad died, divorce, moving, laid off from job as a single parent, empty nest syndrome, presently very under employed), I believe I am a better person.
Not that I would volunteer to have any of these experiences, but they happened and effectively molded me.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
~ Rumi ~
Respecting our feelings and experiences is vital in maintaining peace in life. It’s nice to be at this spot in the road of life that I can actually look back at the most painful years of my life. I’m so grateful that my PTSD struggle is over. Hopefully now that I have identified the depressing feeling of sadness that keeps lingering, I will be able give the memories and emotions the proper attention and move on.
Besides, I still haven’t showed you any of my wedding pictures, so I need to write a very happy post! Obviously I’ve been rather occupied which has caused me to get way behind. (wink)
A most difficult time I’m sure. You had your share of emotional pain.
Healing mind and spirit and really good “Wink” makes life a whole new adventure. The joys and sorrows are beautiful as well. Reflection can be healing but living in the moment is the optimum. I walked with you on this journey in my own version. I love and appreciate you, I can hardly wait to see your beautiful fun wedding.
I’m glad I found this page, just from the very little I’ve read so far… I need this in my life right now. Found your page through Banana bread of all things. Turns out you are somewhat local too, I’m in Virginia Beach.
Sherry, thank you for writing about PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Yes, it does help to write it out. I have PTSD from having a very long and scary liver disease. It was genetic – I first had to answer those questions since I’d get “The Look” – oh, drank yourself sick, huh? Fuck me. I was sick for 11 years and each year got progressively worse. There were two very clear times I could have died – when I had an internal bleed (yes, from the liver disease) that lasted more than 12 hours. I even had a seizure with it. I had at least four hospitalizations a year with an infection in my liver. Each time I had to have a special endoscopy to clear it – 25 of those. Finally, finally, I switched to a much better hospital (where they were actually NICE to me), Cleveland Clinic. Six months after I called them, they called me with a liver, just for me! It was awesome. But I’ve never experienced such pain for so long in my life. My sister came to help take care of me. But she was crazy and told my ENTIRE FAMILY that I was an awful person in Cleveland. So my family rejected me. Just when I needed them most. Okay – woe is me and all that. But I’d had great hopes for post-transplant. Then one day I had a panic attack and couldn’t stop sobbing. ANYWAY, medical PTSD is a very real thing. I want to help others. But I have to know this – I was finally diagnosed with PTSD – SO, is PTSD a forever thing? I can’t take this forever.
Stay in therapy until the symptoms subside. Yes, you will always have PTSD triggers, but eventually you will know how to avoid them and when you are triggered, you will know how to calm yourself down again.