After dinner, I fell asleep until about 9:30 p.m. and now I can’t go back to sleep.
I felt very uptight, worried, defeated, useless, undesirable, sad and a bit on the hopeless side. It is hard enough changing the things I can change, but it is even harder not being able to change things that are out of my control. Unfortunately, MOST things in life are not in our control.
So while Bella has been snoring on my lap for the past six hours, I’ve been searching the Internet for inspirational stories. Then when I reached the end of the world wide web, I sat down and started reading a book.
It is almost time for the night to turn into morning.
Everything is quiet and peaceful.
I feel an unusual calm.
In the stillness, I took some time to write down the things about myself that I like and don’t want to change. On the opposite side of the page I listed the things that I want to change about myself. Thankfully the “like” side is much longer than the “want to change” side.
Tonight this quote struck me like a 2 by 4 in the face.
“Go as far as you can see. When you get there, you’ll be able to see farther.” ~ Zig Ziglar ~
Zig Ziglar said, “Go as far as you can see.” Well, I’ve done that already. I literally can’t hardly see my hand in front of my face now. I’ve had so much fear going on inside of me that it has been blinding. It has felt like I’ve been falling down a mountain side and although I keep grabbing branches to save me from hitting the bottom, I can’t ever quite hold on tight enough or long enough to the branches in order stop my descent. This journey has been the definition of “out of control.”
I have not liked it and I still do not like it.
Then Ziglar continues his thought by saying, “When you get there, you’ll be able to see farther.”
I’m “farther” and I still don’t see anything.
Wait.
I take that back.
I see where I’ve been and I don’t want to go back there. I also see where I don’t want to go and I’m not going there either.
What else do I see? Hmmm…
I have a few options still.
It feels like my only course of action is to close my eyes and take a huge step this way or that way. That is why I’ve been in such turmoil. I’ve been unable to choose what I’m willing to risk. My life is at the point where I can lose or gain everything.
Do I risk it or play it overly safe?
In the past, I have cared too much what other people thought about what I should do and it led me onto paths that the only loser ended up being me. That’s what happens when a giver gives and gives and gives without getting anything back in return. Eventually the giver is completely given out and there’s nothing left anymore.
While thinking of every scenario possible, I thought of another one that helped put things in perspective. What if I was laid off because it is some master plan for me to spend the last few months of my life finishing up things I haven’t gotten to, expressing my love to people I care about and spending quality time doing those things that mean the most to me? If that is true, why I am fearful and whining about not having a job? Maybe I’m being ungrateful for this time of unemployment which could be the precursor to my death.
I’m not trying to be morbid, but it really could be true! So I have to stop whining and letting my mind run away down all the dark paths it keeps going down.
I am a talented, hardworking, intelligent, fun, loyal, loving woman. If I live and I see no reason for this not to be true (especially since I’m healthy as an old goat since going grain free – yes I had to add that again), I will eventually get a job. The people who really love me, will continue to love me. The sun and moon will continue to take turns rising and setting. All I have to do is accomplish the things I want to do, let go of the things that are hurting me, get rid of the things that are cluttering my life, and follow a plan to simplify my life.
Writing down my plan doesn’t really sound all that hard, so why I have I felt like it has been so hard?
Fear.
I am basically a chicken.
I get paralyzed because I’m so afraid of getting hurt or making a mistake that will wreck the rest of my life.
With that knowledge and the full impact of it revealed to me, the first thing on my list today is to literally live like I was dying. I am going to wipe out the fear and be happy or die trying. Pun intended. 🙂
Love your thought process Sherry
😉 Thank you! Glad you enjoyed the post.
So, if you literally lived today like you were dying, how did that work out for you? Were you able to wipe out your fear and be happy? Inquiring minds anxiously wait to know. 🙂
I waited until today to answer your post so that I could tell you how it went for me. Actually, it went way better than I thought it would go. It is going to take some practice to stay in that mindset, but I felt much freer!
As for the Zig Ziglar quote, “Go as far as you can see. When you get there, you’ll be able to see farther” that is so true. However, I have also found that when one allows their imagination to soar, they can usually go much farther than they can literally see. 🙂
Yeah, well, sometimes my imagination is torture instead of being helpful. I gotta keep that thing under tight control. 😉
I’m also unemployed for the second time in five years. I’m 54 years old. I’ve been a legal secretary and administrative assistant. Seems it’s getting more and more difficult to find a job. I suppose my age doesn’t help. Honestly, I don’t feel as energetic as I did even five years ago. Is it part of a higher plan? Will I be shown the way? We have to take steps in the right direction, make plans, etc. I’m not sure which way to go, and going the wrong way can be even more devastating. Is it time to let the house go after sixteen years? Where do I go with two huge German Shepherds? I cannot enjoy my time at home because I’m too worried and unsettled mentally. I try to enjoy the outdoors, but reality sets in. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It helps.
I can relate with the way you feel about being so worried that you can’t enjoy the time at home because that is the same way I have felt too. I just keep plugging away everyday applying for jobs that just aren’t happening. It is such a bad economy and I know there are millions just like us, Laura. Hang in there! Eventually we both will find a job! I can’t hardly wait!!!!
Thank you. At times I think I am alone in those types of thought. I am curious to know your age.
It is like you were channeling my thoughts.
I’m 51 years young! 😀
I am not sure how I ended up on this blog. But, the message is clear and exactly what I needed to read and think about today.
Thank you for writing this!
Regards,
CC Corrigan
Thank you for stopping by and I’m glad you enjoyed the post! 🙂
Thank you, I was literally feeling this exact same way last night after laying around all day with an intense back ache and a bout of depression. This morning I woke up a little more rested and feeling a bit better. I went to breakfast and while enjoying my oatmeal I thought, “I’m better, I’m stronger and I’m successful.” I need to think this everyday and do those things that will make it true.
Every day is a new opportunity for a new life! Don’t give up!
Sherry,
I am a giver too, and like you I have had the same feelings. I too gave to much and have lost a lot because of it, not just materialistically, but emotionally. I was laid off. Fear drove me back to school to complete my degree and I am reentering a field I abandoned years ago. Those experiences are haunting me to the point of extreme procrastination, even though I enjoyed it. The “What ifs.” etc.
Thanks for posting this as it gives me new direction.
Terry
I’m so sorry you got laid off, but it sounds like going back to school will make it much easier for you to become employed again. I wish you all the best in your new career endeavors. It sounds very exciting! 🙂
What would you do if you knew that you could not fail?
EXACTLY Doug! I am always so afraid of failing that it often does hold me back! 😉
Wow. It’s as if you were reading my mind. It’s as if *I* wrote this. I’m glad I’m not the only one.
It’s nice to know when we aren’t so alone. {{{hugsss}}}
Fascinating, truly.
I think I am in the same boat as you right now.
Let’s grab the oars together and head off to have a picnic! 😉 LOL
Hi Sherry,
You have made a decision to take control of your life. Getting that revelation is half the battle. Your post was very inspiring to me. We all encounter situations where we feel that things are spiraling out of control, but we have been given the power to take authority over our lives. Our choices, mindset, and actions determines the outcome.
Thank you, Susan. I think it is easy to forget that our attitude has such a huge effect on our choices and success. We think that our “thinking” doesn’t matter that much, but it really makes all the difference!
Your story really hit the spot. I do feel pretty much the exact same way much 0f the time. I feel like i’m in this black hole with no sides to grab a hold of to pull myself out. I know that I can do better for myself if only I could grasp a hold of something; but there seems to be nothing to grasp. Your words were quite inspireing to me, and gives me a little something to grasp ahold of. Thank You….
I’m so glad that you found inspiration in the post. Don’t give up! I’m sure that the sun will eventually come out again for you. {{{hugssss}}}
I love your sense of humor. Your comment, “In the past, I have cared too much what other people thought about what I should do and it led me onto paths that the only loser ended up being me. That’s what happens when a giver gives and gives and gives without getting anything back in return. Eventually the giver is completely given out and there’s nothing left anymore.” This is so true and still people continue with the same ol’ same ol’. There’s a chicken that resides in most of us. Congratulations on attempting to change that.
Sue Bock
http://couragetoadventure.com/blog
Thank you so much Sue!