Today has been unkind to me…very unkind.
I’m going to be honest tonight instead of just not writing a post.
I have been accused of “liking to give advice” more than once in my life, so tonight…no advice. I’m just going to give you the cold, hard truth.
My day started off TERRIBLY and the things that transpired actually made me physically sick. The rest of my weekend didn’t go well either.
So rather than just disappear and say nothing, I’m just going to say that I’m hurting, sad, disappointed and feel hopeless. My wants are so few and I am so often misunderstood. I miss the “old Sherry” in so many ways and yet, in many ways I just hate her.
The “new Sherry” doesn’t really have all the skills to handle what life and other people dish out to her. Relationships baffle me. I am used to being a “yes woman” and allowing people to manipulate me. Not being that way is VERY hard for me and so now, those same people perceive me as being a witch because they can’t manipulate me. I am REALLY rather simple, nice and very accommodating. I JUST want to be loved. I’ve been through Hell and came out of it. I don’t expect a party or standing ovation, but a little understanding would really help.
I vacillate between, “I hate myself because I’m not enough,” to “I’m a strong, good woman with a heart full of love and I am enough.” There is a continual war going on inside my head and other people can sway my opinion rather quickly.
When I open my heart and love someone, I don’t just love them a little bit. I don’t know how to do such a thing. So with my heart wide open, I am completely vulnerable. If the person is in a bad mood, irritated, frustrated or sad and takes it out on me, I’m devastated. Obviously, I need to learn how to cope with other people. Will I ever be able to stop going to therapy?
Today I felt like I should live in a cave with no human contact ever again. I wanted to run away and hide forever. I’m tired of not being able to cope with disappointment, fear or having my feelings hurt. I’ve battled this all my life, so the “new Sherry” is no better at it than the “old Sherry” was at living with her emotions. I thought I loved myself, but maybe I don’t love myself at all. Then again, maybe I am just tired of being taken for granted because I always “seem” to have it all together.
I don’t have it all together.
If this post doesn’t make it obvious, I will say it again…I don’t have it all together.
I am so sad that my job ends on December 31st. My job has been a HUGE part of my life.
I’m lonely…really lonely. I’m sick of talking to myself, a dog and a turtle.
I’m scared.
I want to have a companion to share things with everyday. A relationship that is equally give and take by both people.
I’m sick of fighting to be understood.
I’m sick of being “shamed” just because other people want to have their way and don’t want to be unselfish with me.
Tonight I’m actually sad as sad can be and I don’t even care to fight it.
So yeah…this blog post is sad. It is sad because I AM sad…very sad.
Now I’m going to bed and cry myself to sleep.
As promised, I offered no advice.
I’m usually just a girl who writes her blog hoping to help someone. Tonight, I’m just a girl who writes her blog to tell the world she’s sad and feels defeated…very defeated and hopeless.
<3 <3
Thanks Philip.
We have talked some on FB so you already know that I too want to be loved and understood. What you have written here sounds so familiar to me. You are a wonderful person. I know this because I read the words you write and the posts you leave for all of us. They come from a warm, loving, kind heart. Don’t allow those people who have used you and taken you for granted to squash that. I remind myself all the time that regardless of whether or not those you show kindness to appreciate it, God sees and loves you all the more for it. At times, that hasn’t seemed like enough for me because I want to feel the genuine, unconditional love of another person here on this planet right now. Be true to yourself. Love yourself. You are wonderful, unique and deserve to be loved by the right person. Never settle for less than you deserve. Know that even though I have never met you, I feel as if we are kindred spirits and I love you. I have been in counseling off and on for 20 years. It is just alright. At least we are strong enough to face our need for help and to accept that. We are also strong enough to face those parts of ourselves that hurt and those parts we want to change. Pat yourself on the back, smile and be proud. Don’t hesitate to tell me if you need some help.
April, I can’t hardly type. Thank you so much for your comment. It touched me because I KNOW you have been where I have been. Thank you for all the advice…really. I totally appreciate it. {{{hugssss}}}}
Hi Sherry,
I feel like I wrote that. You are not alone. So hard figuring out all this stuff as an adult, trying to catch up on skills that to no fault of our own are not quite developed yet. Not to mention societies views and bias against women, don’t even get me started. Your amazing, the old you and the new! I am sending you a big cyber hug. Be kind to yourself Sherry.
xo
Dojung
Thank you very much. {{{hugssss}}}
You wrote, “Just a girl who writes her blog” but the truth is that it should have been “Just a girl who writes an extraordinary blog.” Of course, modesty would not permit you to call your own blog extraordinary – but I can. 🙂 Yes, I can call your blog extraordinary and I can call the woman who writes this blog extraordinary too. 🙂 How many people can do what you do? Day after day you turn out posts no matter how you are feeling or even if your life is falling apart. You have shared your good times and your bad times with your readers. No matter what is happening in your life you write. I call that complete dedication to what you started in June 2009 and that is writing this blog. Your hard work has paid off. Out of the 71 million plus blogs on the Internet your blog is ranked under 100,000. That is phenomenal! Congratulations on your blog’s success. And although you wrote that today’s post offers no advice, my advice to you is to keep writing! And while I’m offering advice, start writing your book! 🙂
Thanks for making me smile, Joan. The book is near. I can feel it growing inside of me like I’m pregnant with a book. Sounds weird, but it really feels something like that. Thank you very much. {{{hugssss}}}
I love to give advice and try to help whenever I can. I guess it’s just part of who I am. But, you don’t need advice. I believe you have it more together than you feel at this time. You just need to be heard and understood. You need to know that you’re not the only one who has these feelings. I can’t tell you how many times in the past few years that I’ve wanted to give up, to run away and not look back. I’m tired of being a responsible human being and I’m weary of being alone. Life is just plain hard some days and it doesn’t seem to get easier the older I get. Quite the opposite! Okay, so I didn’t come here to start a pity party or purloin a pouty parade. I just want to say that you’re not alone. You are adored by many! You are stronger than you feel at the moment. Hmmm… and this quote just came to mind: “Emotions are indicators, not dictators” ~ Lysa TerKeurst. So there! No advice. 🙂
Thank you Kristi. Your comment made me smile, think and smile again. We shall conquer! {{{huggsss}}}
You mustn’t feel that way….with all the joy and inspiration that you have given to all of us, you should not. You are a wonderful , intelligent and loving person. I can understand how you want someone for yourself and don’t want to be alone….I am the same way. I have a person in my life…yet I really don’t have him the way I would like to and life can be very frustrating!! Just keep holding that red head up….you can do it….we need you <3
Thank you so much Gail. This is such a sweet comment. {{{{huggssss}}}}
I know how you feel.
I thought I would write something inspiring but I can’t. Just, Simply, that I know how you feel.
I am in a boat just about the size and shape of yours except mine is built with my own selfishness and blindness. A blindness that prevented me from see how I was hurting the ones most dear to me.
So now I am rowing. Making headway little by little. Funny thing, most people don’t know just how hard rowing really is, the real and the metaphorical.
I wish you good luck and I look forward to reading more of your blog.
Thank you Julio. I wish you much strength to overcome and much happiness.
I vacillate between, “I hate myself because I’m not enough,” to “I’m a strong, good woman with a heart full of love and I am enough.” There is a continual war going on inside my head and other people can sway my opinion rather quickly. ——————->>>THIS IS ME!!
Dearest Sherry,
You have been given a God given talent to put your thoughts and feelings into words that have managed to touch some of my inner most feelings. Why? Because of your honesty, bravery and humble sincerity. I was in therapy for 4 years and have often thought about going back because of days like you just had. They are CRUSHING!
Out of your pain you have just written a blog that has helped me in such a way I really don’t know how to thank you. Your blogs have been “therapy” for me. I have had my own family read some of them so they can understand “me” better. I have literally begged people for advice where there is none. I get that here, on YOUR blog.
Toxic people will continue to hurt you. It’s what they do and it will continue to hurt. You’re working your way through it choosing not to give up. You have the tools to keep it from taking you down and cope. So do I.
I really just want to say thank you, and that I thank God for you Sherry.
Sandy,
Thank you so much for your comment. It is people like you that make me glad that I have shared my journey through PTSD on my blog.
{{{hugssss}}}}