For several reasons, the past two weeks have been very, very, very hard. Today was not an exception.
Because of the events that have transpired during the last eight years, I’ve experienced happiness, anger, joy, anger, fear, anger, tragedy, anger, devastation, anger and sadness. Unfortunately, most of the anger has remained stuffed down and locked in a box. It can’t stay there and so I’ve been working on releasing it in a “healthy” manner. (rolling my eyes) It would be much easier if I could just break some things against a brick wall or give someone a black eye. My healthy releases have often turned into unhealthy insanity where PTSD took over my brain. I’m sorry for those times, but I hope everyone will understand that it really has been out of my control. It wasn’t easy being on the edge of insanity.
When I got home at 8:00 p.m. I wasn’t hungry AT ALL, so I ate two pickles and started surfing music on YouTube. Music reaches my mind and soul when not much else can. Well, um, there is one other thing that works great, but there’s only a dog and a turtle here with me. Yeah, uh huh.
Anyway, I came across a whole bunch of mushy love songs that made me want to puke. Sounds weird hearing me say that, doesn’t it? Well, my feelings were not mushy lovey dovey. I was angry…really angry at so many things. I wondered how I was going to release all the anger.
Then…
I heard it.
The song started playing that I should have found years ago and blasted at full volume. Yes, some things have been over for a long time and I sacrificed FAR TOO MUCH trying to make them work. Looking back tonight, I feel like a fool. What was I thinking?! I am worth so much more than I accepted and tolerated. Yes, I did some good and learned from my past, but it was at such a high price. I can’t get back all the time, effort, sacrifices and emotion that was unappreciated and therefore wasted.
This part of the song is a perfect description of how it was…
“So many times that I tried to reach you
You broke me after I brought you in
I was cold, all alone, I was losing my mind”
This song may be seven years too late, but it sure did squelch some of the anger tonight!
“It’s Over” by Jared Lee
We started out like the perfect story
On the heels of a beautiful lie
Didn’t know you were holding a secret asideI used to be the one with all the glory
Standing like a soldier on the front line
Till you came and you stripped me of all of my prideBut I’m back and I’ma tell you how it’s gonna be
Subtract any possibility of me
Don’t ask cuz I don’t know the answers
And i’m hanging up the phoneIt’s over, said it’s over, yeah it’s over, goodbye
It’s over, said it’s over, yeah it’s over, goodbyeWell I don’t need to give you one good reason
I hope you’re ready for your empty bed
I don’t care if you fall to your knees and cry
So many times that I tried to reach you
You broke me after I brought you in
I was cold, all alone, I was losing my mindBut I’m back and I’ma tell you how it’s gonna be
Subtract any possibility of me
Don’t ask cuz I don’t know the answers
And i’m hanging up the phoneIt’s over, said it’s over, yeah it’s over, goodbye
It’s over, said it’s over, yeah it’s over, goodbyeAnd you grow, and you grow, and you grow stronger from your past
And you grow, and you grow, and you grow stronger from your pastIt’s over, said it’s over, yeah it’s over, goodbye
It’s over, said it’s over, yeah it’s over, goodbye
It makes a perfect breakup song. It is also a great song to help you look back and vow to never let anyone hurt you like that again. I’ve probably listened to it sixty times tonight already. Unfortunately my bedtime came and left without me catching any sleep yet which means tomorrow I will dragging. On the other hand, I can blast this song to energize myself first thing in the morning and thank God I made it through all those heartaches.
You know what else? I still had enough compassion, kindness, caring, forgiveness, acceptance, hope and love left after all that pain to start my life over again. Who said turning 50 was the end? They were wrong. I’m starting over cause “I’m back and I’ma tell you how it’s gonna be.”
And I grow, and I grow, and I grow stronger from my past!
Very Well written…..Kudos to you….My friend. I’m wishing you a peppy day…… Keep your head held high. You’ve done well. Came a long way…. Happy Happy Thursday….:)
Thank you Lisa! {{{{hugssss}}}}}
{{{ hugs }}}
{{{{hugssss}}}} Have a great day Kristi!
A great tune. Just keep your faith and all will be fine. God Bless. Keep your chin up!!!
Thanks John! 😀
The early days are the hardest. As days go by, it will get easier. 50 is NOT the end. Heartache and sorrow are heart-wrenching, but if you move through it and learn from it, it builds character. We readers/writers know that. You’re moving through it. You’ve vowed to never let anyone hurt you like that again. Kudos to you, Kristi.
I think the latter days have been as hard as the early days. Until I totally forgive myself for being human, I think it just kept dragging me down. Yeah, never again will I make that blunder. Thank you!!! 🙂
Life sure can suck child! Yep , you were a fool along with the rest of the female race. lol We are here to learn, we need to know when to say no and quit when the little voice in you says that is enough. Life is beautiful, you and I have had much joy in this life. I have had you and Alyssa and Audrey and Brittany. I must remind you that the past is yesterday, for get it. You are still letting it get to you. Quit GOING BACK,THE NOTHING GOT IT AND HIM
Forget it? First of all that is impossible. Secondly, I will remember it so that I don’t make the same mistake again.
I don’t wish him any ill will and the sooner you let the anger go, Mom, the better you will feel. Just saying.
Tough piece to write Sherry, kudos for your courage. My world fell apart seven years ago and recovery although under way is by no means easy. Acceptance of my suppressed demons is a major issue. More courage to you.
Thank you so much, Philip. Congratulations for facing your own demons and working through them. It isn’t easy, but it will be sooooo worth it. {{{hugssss}}} my friend and hang in there!
Great words! The good thing about the mess that we go through, you know the things that have really kicked our – you know what’s – those are the things (at least for me) I can see coming down the pike a millions miles away. It’s like you develop a 6th sense about foolishness. Great post. Thanks!
You’re totally right! It does become more apparent when the same type of personality starts heading my way. I think that means I’ve learned! Yay!!!! LOL
Thank you for stopping by and your comment!!!!!! 🙂
I definitely believe that chapter of your life is over. Finished. Done. You have learned the lesson that experience brought you and hopefully you have released the pain. You are now free to move on to happier experiences having learned from the past. Great post and we are all rooting for you to find the love, happiness and understanding that you seek in your life! 🙂
Thank you, Joan. That is really sweet of you to say and I appreciate your comment. That chapter of my life was more like a ten book series of 900 page books. It’s nice to come home each day to peace and a clean home.