**Warning: This is a pathetic and depressing post.**
I had a very, very, very bad day. So many things went wrong that I can’t even begin to list them all. While struggling with all the emotions that the events of the day caused, I tried to pull some of the stuff I’ve learned from therapy out of my brain. That’s what I go to therapy for, so I might as well do more with the information than just sit for an hour in front of the therapist.
Before I go further…yes Mom, I did pray. Actually, I cried out for God to help, so please don’t leave me a preachy comment. Wherever God was, I sure didn’t hear him say anything to me. I’m not trying to sound mean, but I just want to avoid the usual comment of telling me to pray and wait for God’s timing.
So I had to start piecing myself back together to get control of the pain that was engulfing me. That meant I had to start with the basics. Unfortunately, the first step is always the hardest. So I went to the bathroom and turned on the billion watts of light that illuminated my tear-stained face and swollen eyes. It is hard to believe that I still have tears left after all the crying I’ve done in the last eight years.
I’m going to share this with you because that’s what I do on this blog and maybe it will help you know that I have suffered. I know pain. Besides, I’ve been crying too hard to talk on the phone and everyone is already asleep by now.
Standing in the bright lights, looking at myself in pajamas and no makeup, the truth always reveals itself. Unfortunately, the truth usually makes me cry more. After staring at the pathetic person in the mirror, leaning over the counter and then laying across the counter sobbing, I came to a conclusion…
I’m simple.
Actually, I’m very simple.
Definition of Simple
- free from guile (not deceitfully cunning)
- free from vanity : modest
- free from ostentation or display (example: a simple outfit)
- of humble origin or modest position (example: a simple farmer)
- lacking in knowledge or expertise (example: a simple amateur of the arts)
- stupid
- not socially or culturally sophisticated : naive
- sheer, unmixed (example: simple honesty)
When I was in high school, I was smart and that’s about all I had going for me. I never dated because no one ever asked – not even for my prom. They didn’t ask because I was not only shy, but I was ugly compared to the other girls who had guys hanging around them. Of course, I am in a family of women who fit the description of “the other girls” back in my high school days. They all have always been beautiful and didn’t lack for male attention when they wanted it.
Being somewhat of an outcast hurt me…very badly. I’ve always compared myself to my mother, sister, niece or daughter. I don’t even compare to their beauty and social smarts. I feel so alone and that’s exactly how I felt while I stared in the mirror of my bathroom. Alone and the 6th definition of “simple” as shown above…stupid.
While my body heaved sobs into my bathroom sink a thought popped into my head. It was the same thought that lived in my brain while I navigated through high school and college. I’m “less” than other people and that is why I’ve bombed at marriage twice and am living alone now.
I don’t have a drop dead gorgeous body with a golden tan.
I’m not the smartest, richest woman in the world.
I don’t have super exciting things to talk about all the time.
Maybe I’m not even that fun to be around.
I really am very much a nerd.
I am easy to ignore.
Obviously, the conclusion is that I must be less than other women!
Oh yes, I’m hurting, sad and pretty much loathing myself. Actually, my heart is breaking. I’ve tried so hard for so long. I just want my brain back all the way and I want to be loved all the time by someone who wants to grow old with me. Seriously, is that really too much to expect when I give one hundred percent?!
Marriages end everyday. People do all kinds of things to destroy a relationship. Some people hang on while others have no problem just letting go. Then you have to throw in the fact that men and women are extremely different. It makes me wonder how any relationship lasts with so many differences and obstacles. But then I go back to believing that maybe it is just me because I know many marriages and relationships that last and last and last.
Instead, tonight I am at home to suffer all the pain of the events of today alone and it is killing me.
My therapist probably wouldn’t be very happy with me right now, but all that stuff she has said seems to have disappeared. Her words of great advice have been swallowed up by the pain, fear and disappointment. I think I’ve taken 100 steps forward and 500 steps back.
Life is so unpredictable. A month ago I was smoothly sailing along and thinking that it was all uphill for awhile. I want it to be uphill. I need it to be uphill. Why do I have to have so many downhills? I’m feeling very sorry for myself…publicly…and that is probably worse than just feeling sorry for myself and faking a smile in public.
My eyes hurt. I wonder if I will even be able to fall asleep because my eyelids seem stuck in the open position. Even worse, will I fall asleep and not wake up in time to get to my meeting at work in the morning? This overwhelming sadness makes me feel like throwing up.
For the record…
PTSD sucks.
Crying sucks.
Hurting sucks.
Heartbreaks suck.
Being alone sucks.
Being simple sucks.
Being ignored sucks.
Being me tonight sucks.
Being me tonight sucks.
Oh, did I say that twice?
Being me tonight is killing me. Can I be you for awhile?
Sherry, I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time! You know, the thing that jumps out at me the most is that you can’t see how BEAUTIFUL you are! I remember the first time you actually posted a picture of yourself. I wondered “why was she hiding all this time”? Yes, you come from a family of beautiful women. Guess what? You are one of them! Take it to the bank! I’m not kidding! Beautiful AND smart and LOVED! Now go find an ice pack for those eyes so they won’t be puffy for your meeting in the morning. <3
Thank you very much, Marlene, for caring. It was definitely a bad day, but I’m doing much better today. {{{hugssss}}}
Wrong Sherry, you’re very hard to ignore. Love reading your writings.
Thank you, Philip. I appreciate you always reading and participating in my posts around the Internet. {{{hugssss}}}
This sounds terrible. But you know what? ‘It’s always darkest before the dawn’. I know, I’ve been there myself. Don’t give up. Tomorrow is another day. HUGS!
You’re right, Jo. I wish I was able to get through ALL the dark days without having a meltdown. Thanks for the hugs. {{{hugssss}}}
Okay Sherry, I don’t believe in coincidence and as I read your words it was as though you were describing me, in detail. It’s been 10 years of PTSD for me. Some days I go sailing along and all seems right in the world. Then come the bad days. The bad days are usually triggered by something, but not always. My mind endlessly wonders about the sad, insignificant person I am. My therapist has taught me tools to cope and I have always listened to her good advice. With that said, some days my feelings of being stupid, simple and worthless supersede everything. I have cried for three days straight this week. PTSD and divorce in itself is enough to keep us debilitated and glued to home. I can be in a room filled with people and feel alone and invisible. I’m not particularly clever or witty. I enjoy your blogs. I want you to know how your blogs have impacted my life. They are entertaining, but more importantly “encouraging”. I must agree that you “are” beautiful. More importantly you’re beautiful on the inside. It took courage sharing your pain, but that’s how we continue to heal. PTSD is a part of you and it’s a part of me. I wish I had half the talent and wisdom as you. I guess my reply was kind of depressing, but I’m wanting to be someone else right now too. One thing I can say about me, and I know about you is that we “are” nice people, love deeply, and want everyone to be happy. HUGS Sherry xoxo
I’m sorry that you have PTSD and know the kind of dark pain I was suffering on this very bad day. I hope you and I both see less and less of all the PTSD unhappiness. Thank ou for sharing your comment. It wasn’t depressing – it helps me to remember I’m not alone in my suffering. {{{hugssss}}}
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I somewhat understand what it’s like to be alone. I’m not going to tell you about all my problems and how things will get better. That’s a crazy thing to say. I have had three men in my life, and all three only wanted one thing. I was married to one, engaged to one, and just had a relationship with the last. I never thought there was anything wrong with me except that I’m different.
I would never tell anyone to just get over it or pray and wait on God. At times, God does seem far away. I am praying for you now, and I can hope and pray that things improve for you.
I appreciate your prayers, Ruth, and for your thoughtful words of comfort. {{{hugssss}}}
Oh hun, I’m so sorry! I’ll do some praying for you and will be thinking of you today.
Val, thank you for your prayers and thoughts on my behalf. {{{hugssss}}}
I have to agree with Marlene. You are beautiful AND smart and LOVED! 🙂
I have to agree with Phllip. You’re very hard to ignore. 🙂
I have to also agree with Jo. It’s always darkest before the dawn.
And yes, you definitely can be me for awhile. Oh, please be me, I beg you! You could clean up my apartment and get everything in order. (I know that you can do it much faster than I could.) And then you can write my post for me for my new blog, because I know it would never take you five days to write a single post. You are much quicker than me when it comes to writing. I have to let everything I write sit and marinate before I am ready to post anything. And then when you have gotten my whole apartment in order and written my post, I would gladly step back into being me! 🙂
Joan, you are silly! I’m not going to write your posts. LOL Thank you for making me laugh. {{{hugssss}}}
Oh, I forgot to add, while you are busy being me, you can wash all the dishes that are piled high in the sink and take out the trash! 🙂
And as long as you are busy being me, you can wash all my clothes in the hamper! 🙂
WOW, I just love the fact that you are me! You do everything so fast that I now have time to go to the gym and workout! 🙂
And I have time to take a swim in my pool! 🙂
I’m telling you, Sherry, my life rocks now that you are me! 🙂
Thank you for being me and getting my life in order. I think I can manage my own life from here! 🙂
LOLOLOLOL Oh my goodness, Joan! You are just going to work my butt off if I’m you for a day!!!! I change my mind. I’m not switching with you. LOLOLOL 😀 {{{hugssss}}}
I sympathize, Sherry. As you know, I went through a deep depression several years ago, and I still face days when I just feel like I’m shit, and no amount of positive thinking can convince me otherwise. Fortunately, it passes, and then you get reminded how special and important you are, as each of us is.
Your comment about crying out to God reminded me of something I blogged earlier this year: “When you’re in the midst of sorrow, sometimes it seems God is a million miles away… Sometimes we feel God; sometimes not. But he’s still always there. And sometimes the right kind of comfort comes when we engage God. And sometimes when we weep at his feet.”
???? ?????,
-TimK
Tim, thank you for the link. When I’m hurting, it does feel like I’m on God’s black list as his redheaded step child. 😉 You are a great inspiration and a great writer/speaker. Thank you for your friendship over the years. {{{hugssss}}}
((Sherry))…I’m sorry you had a rough day. Life happens and it sucks, dang it! I feel your pain having had too many of those lately! Hugs and hope you feel good enough to be you again! 🙂
{{{hugssss}}} and I’m a much better me today. 😀 Thank you!!!
Ah, those times when your brain is trying to kill you. Sometimes you just have to be stubborn enough to not let it win. Tell that brain and its stupid chemicals who’s boss. And you can be me for a bit. I refuse to accept suffering, not for me or for you or for anyone else. From one stranger to another, I love you.
That was such a sweet and inspiring comment, Andra. Thank you so much!!! {{{hugssss}}}
Please cry your fill today.
No one is exempt from grief.
It’s all right if you stumble over something; because you are human.
However…
“Every day is a new day.” ~ Ernest Hemingway
{{{hugssss}}} Thank you so much for the poem. {{{hugssss}}}
I am sorry you are going through this struggle. I don’t have anything profound to offer you. Just know we are around to read whatever you want to share. In that sense, you are not alone.
That I’m not alone is so important to remember when I have one of those sickening days. Thank you for letting me know you’re there. {{{hugssss}}}
Hello my beautiful child, how sad this makes me, I would carry all of this if God would just give it to me.. I am so sorry but it will stop hurting and it will get better. The past 8 years are catching up to you and you will have to wade through. Don’t look down and don’t look back, look up to the sun and the Son. I am here, I am not much, but I love you more than any word can express. Heartaches are but a moment. Try a bit of faith. It does work, but oh how we have to do our part and carry our promise as well. Do what is right, let go and let God help. Pay what you have to and give what you cannot do to Him. I love you my child, my angel child.
You always say, “I am not much,” but you ARE much – you’re my mother! Thank you for calling me the other day. {{{hugssss}}}
You want to be me for a while? Watch what you wish for, girlfriend! Believe me, you don’t want to live in THIS brain! I’m sorry for your struggles. You do realize that climbing uphill is harder than walking downhill? Just saying . . . I wish you the best. Please know that you are not alone…and that you are being heard. xoJulia
LOL Julia! In reality downhill is much better than uphill, but on that yucky day it sure felt like downhill was a cliff. LOL Thank you so much for helping me not be alone. {{{hugssss}}}
I just want to give you hugs and say I’m glad we’re bloggy friends and today is a new day xo
Yes to everything you said! {{{hugsss}}} I am so much better today. Thank you!