Looking At The Happiness Inside Me Now

The road has been long.

Undesirable.

Sickening.

Painful.

I still have dramatic highs and lows, the stupid startle reflex, the memory loss and a few other aggravating PTSD symptoms, but I can see the rainbow in the distance ahead. It is sparkling and has my name written all over it.

I’ve been surfing like a crazy girl for the past week. My brain is craving knowledge and images. I have no idea why and I guess it doesn’t matter that I know the reason. All I know is that I’m soaking it all in like a sponge and it makes me feel so much better. When I hit a low, surfing seems to help bring me out of the extremes. It will be so nice when I’m on an even keel all the time again, but I’m trying to remain positive and not to complain about it…at least until after I finish this post. <--- That was humor in case you missed it. LOL So the following are a few things I've found or learned that either made me laugh or really hit me to the core of my soul. Hopefully you will like them too and it will be a "mission accomplished" for me. 😉

It’s Been Awhile

In the song “It’s Been Awhile” by Staind, part of the lyrics are “And it’s been awhile since I could hold my head up high.” No truer statement could be said. I’m feeling so much better and the better I feel, not only do I want to keep feeling better, but I’m enjoying it so much more.

Stepping On Cereal

As I have been coming out of the fog, I want to laugh and feel happiness. When I saw this humorous little saying, “I stepped on a cornflake this morning – I’m a cereal killer now,” I seriously laughed out loud. Cornflakes have always been my most favorite cereal. I actually used to eat a HUGE bowl every night before I went to bed. Well, that had to end when I was forced to go grain free, but this joke is now on my list of my most favorite funnies. I know it is simple, but so am I in many ways – witty, intelligent, addictive and simply complicated. LOL

Turn Your Head Sideways

Along with liking to laugh, I also want to bring laughter into other people’s life. There are so many things around me that just crack me up and I’m not referring to “the Walmart people” or my reflection in a mirror either.

I Learn The Craziest Stuff

Not only do I learn things that make the duties of my life easier, but I pick up random stuff like, “B, M and P are three letters that are impossible to say without both of your lips touching.” So I’m wondering how bored was the person who sat around thinking about the English language and alphabet until they came up with this fact. Just saying. LOL

I Love Robert Frost’s Poetry

As if you can’t tell, but in case you didn’t know it, I love the poetry of Robert Frost. So many of the poems he has written speak to me, teach me and touch me. It is such a great feeling to actually feel things other than pain and sadness. I know that having experienced so much unhappiness, I now am double grateful for real happiness AND I know what it is too.

Anyway, as Frost says, “We love the things we love for what they are.” The first thing that pops in my mind is the tendency of women to marry someone and then immediately want to change them. (rolling my eyes) I can’t figure out why my gender feels the need to change “their man” and has this characteristic flaw. Yes, it IS a flaw! Who you see is who you get and isn’t that the person you fell in love with anyway? Yesssssss! I AM right.

When You Get Sick Of Her

Oh my goodness. Really? Don’t say, “When you get sick of her remember who has always been there.” Please don’t sit around pining for someone who doesn’t love you! Do you want to feel miserable and sad? If the person doesn’t love you and/or is with someone else, LEAVE THEM ALONE. Don’t waste your time, talent and emotion on someone who doesn’t cherish, respect, love, need or want you.

I know this is a hard lesson to learn if you are one of the people who is sitting around with a broken heart. Believe me. I’ve been there, so I know how it feels. I also know how pointless it is to wait and wait and wait for something that isn’t ever going to happen. Life is seriously too short to waste time on someone who isn’t reciprocating your emotions. Love someone who will love you back. Give your heart some happiness and find fulfilling love instead of painful love.

Expectation Of Reciprocation

The notion that we will receive back exactly what we give is misguided. Having an expectation of reciprocation is just setting yourself up for a painful disaster. When you love someone, don’t keep score. I agree that you can expect close friends and family to love you back, but don’t put your expectations of them so high. They are people too and you are not their priority twenty four hours a day.

One of the things I had to relearn while healing from my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is how to be assertive instead of aggressive. The anger that swelled up inside for what appeared to be no reason has been really overwhelming at times. Most of the anger was frustration with the things I could no longer do, but some was directed at people who weren’t there for me. I’ve since stepped back and re-examined the whole situation. Yeah, they failed in fully supporting or comforting me and I failed by letting them affect me as much as I did.

It has been a new learning. 🙂

The Unexamined Life Is Not Worth Living

Socrates statement that, “The unexamined life is not worth living,” definitely doesn’t apply to me. I examine and think myself to death. I actually have to in order to heal, so I will be glad when I can focus fully forward instead of having to look back and dissect my life all the time. The past is the past. Surely there is happiness ahead for me whether there is a husband or not.

The “or not” makes me sad for two reasons: It refers to the fact that I’m not enjoying that type of physical closeness everyday and the loneliness my future will hold if I remain single. I try not to dwell on this one too much because it makes me feel like a failure. Before anyone says that I didn’t fail, I’ve heard you already. I’m just saying that in general, the ending of not one, but two marriages really took a toll on me and the scars that remain feel very akin to failure.

At any rate, I examine my life fully, so according to Socrates, that means my life is definitely worth living!

I’m A Hopeless Romantic

Regardless of my “single” state, I am still a hopeless romantic. I believe romantic love not only feels great, but adds so much happiness to life. Endorphins create lovely feelings and what better way to exercise than…oops! Nope, I’m not even going there.

Mini Moo Business Cards

In the midst of all the mess of the past year, I had some Mini Moo Business Cards printed for myself. I think they actually turned out pretty good as a little something to give someone or drop into a envelope when writing a letter. I haven’t given many out yet, but it’s nice having them ready especially since I’m venturing out again. I won’t expound on that yet because it is kind of a long story, but I’ll share it soon and you can smile with me.

Yeah, I’m smiling really big. I feel so much better in soooooooooooo many ways that it is REALLY helping me cope with the unhappiness that still remains. If I put happiness on one side of the scale and unhappiness on the other, happiness is definitely weighing more. That makes me take a moment to look at the happiness inside me now with deep gratitude for the people who care and love me. It also makes me grateful to God that Alyssa lives and that I am beating the PTSD odds with flying colors. 😀

What does my future hold in store for me? I guess we will have to wait and see.