If I ever had the notion of appearing online as totally together and without any problems, that pretty much ended the moment I started talking about PTSD. So you are aware that I’m not evil like Darth Vadar, but I have my share of weaknesses. I think it is also quite apparent that the person you see in the photos on my blog is who I am now – nothing less, nothing more and they are definitely current.
Today let’s talk about that dark side that everyone has and doesn’t reveal.
The Real You – The Real Me
I took the picture in this post right after therapy on Friday. It had been a long week, I had cried most of my mascara off and I was a little worse for wear. After sitting through an hour of therapy and armed with more “homework,” I was quite relieved that the week was over and I was finally heading home.
That’s the real me.
Broken. Imperfect.
Although I don’t “look” it, I’m very insecure in being loved…by anyone. That’s part of why I was such a control freak in the past. I was trying to control everything in order to avoid being hurt. It is also the reason why I’ve always overcompensated while trying to be perfect. The logic being that if I wasn’t perfect, I couldn’t be loved.
Yeah. Well, two marriages later you can see how that worked.
Kelly Clarkson sings a song called, “Dark Side” and part of the lyrics go like this…
There’s a place that I know
It’s not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
will it make you run awayOr will you stay
even if it hurts
even if I try to push you out
will you return
and remind me who I really am?
Please remind me who I really amEverybody’s got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody’s a picture perfect
but we’re worth it
You know that we’re worth it
Will you love me
even with my dark side?Like a diamond
from black dust
it’s hard to know
what can become
if you give up
So don’t give up on me
Please remind me who I really amDon’t run away
Don’t run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don’t run away
Don’t run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay
My “dark side” isn’t that I have a problem with alcohol, drugs, smoking, stealing or any number of other imperfections. Instead, my dark side is harder to see.
- Insecurity.
Fear of being hurt.
Desperately trying to prove I’m enough so that I can be loved.
Those three things have steered my life choices. They have been the underlying theme and issues of every relationship I’ve ever been involved in – parent, sister, child, niece, aunt, grand daughter, friend, boyfriend, husband, employer, co-worker, student…
Every single relationship and human interaction was based on a foundation of insecurity, fear and trying to prove I’m enough because I need to be loved.
Part of me hates this truth! The other part knows that I’m not the only person with these types of character weaknesses. However, I’m in the minority for one reason – I actually admit it. Not only am I admitting it, I’m sharing this knowledge with you! This is who I am and although I’m trying to improve, I am not “picture perfect” and don’t feel guilty about it anymore.
So I’m insecure, scared and never think I’m enough. There are worse things in life and this doesn’t have to be my permanent condition now that I’ve finally admitted it to myself. Self-confession is the first step in making any change.
The next step in this self-examination was trying to figure out where and why this feeling inside me started. Will I ever know for sure? No, but I have a pretty good idea. I like to remember stories like Dad and the pine straw instead of what happened everyday when he got home from work.
Did Dad’s daily routine bring about catastrophic world events? No.
Did Dad’s actions have a profound effect on me? Yes.
I’m not blaming Dad for all my problems. He was just a man with his own hidden weaknesses and dark side. But it was really important that I knew where all these emotions inside me started and now that I know, I can begin making changes to heal. I’m like an unfinished work of art – the making of a masterpiece.
I’m constantly changing, evolving and improving one little change at a time.
Everybody’s got a dark side.
Can you love mine?
Will you love me even with my dark side?
You are everything I could never be. You are sunshine in my soul. You are loved by me no matter what you do. Even knowing that, you always felt you had to be perfect. Maybe because your mother had to be perfect in everything she did. Now I know I should have left the dust laying and did more mud pies. I should have left your dad while I was pregnant with Audrey. I should have, should have, should have, and it never ends. I believe we were sent here knowing what our challenges would be and they were exactly what we needed to be in order to be who we have become. I will stand before God and thank him for all I did not have, so I could be the person I have become who is standing before Him. The Lord says be of good cheer for I have overcome the world. He made a way for us. All we have to do is just follow Him. I am proud of you – so proud.
If I say “should, could or would” I will have to repeat one of the CD’s my therapist gave me and it was a toughie! LOL Unfortunately, the CD that I have to work on this week is about “what if,” so there is just no escape from my therapist finding me out! LOL LOL
I’m embracing my dark side so that I can help her out. 😉
yes
Yes, I’ll love you even with your dark side. The real question here is: Will you love me even with my light side? 🙂
LOL Thank you Joan! 😛 😀
Yes, I do love your dark and light side!!
the fact that you can write so openly & fearlessly about your dark side shows me that it is losing whatever power it had over you… such openness & frankness are totally at odds with your professed insecurity, fear, & desperation… I’d say that you’ve made a good deal more than a first step…
looking down at you from my vantage point on the other side of your camera lens & this virtual page, I see a lovely, confident, self-aware woman who is looking up at her world, unafraid of baring her inner thoughts, fears, concerns, & wishes, ready to face the challenges ahead…
{{{huggssss}}}
Thank you, Skip, for your ever thoughtful and touching comments. It has been such a hard road to travel, but I am feeling so much more free in my own skin. {{{BIG HUGSSSS}}}
Thank you Sherry,
For this terrific post in which I truly recognise myself – and everything I’ve learned about the real person hiding away in others. You are so blessed to have acknowledged that vulnerable person – who we witness in the world, in full armour, craving power and control. How different the world is to us, now we are unfolding, spreading our fragile wings. They will gain in strength.
I love Kelly Clarkson’s song: we are so afraid we’ll be rejected, when we show our True Colours – another song I like. John.
My pleasure and thank you, John!
“Spreading our fragile wings” is definitely not an easy task, but giving up isn’t an alternative for me.
I love the true colors song too. 😉
This is a well written post. I believe that we all suffer from insecurity. It took me years of therapy to learn that I was sabotaging my own relationships. I learned that Because I grew up believing that conflict and chaos were normal, whenever things were quiet and calm in my life, I stirred the pot in an effort to recreate that comfortable chaos. It takes a lot of courage to write what you’ve been through and share it like this. I appreciate hearing of your experiences and hope things get better for you. You are so right; everyone has a dark side. Until we fix what is wrong with ourselves, we continue repeating the same pattern with men. Best wishes to you.
Thank you, Melissa. Things get better every day for which I am truly thankful. Writing about myself like I do is very therapeutic and I hope that it helps other people too. If it helps even one person, it will have been all worth it. {{{hugsss}}}