One of my talents is that I can be highly organized, efficient and productive. I like that about myself. It isn’t enough to just be busy because busy doesn’t always get the job done. I have not only been busy, but I’ve been as productive as a busy bee this weekend.
It hasn’t been easy.
Not only am I not a spry twenty year old, but I’ve been so debilitated by my PTSD lately that simple tasks feel monumental. It is really a crying shame because I know that somewhere I still possess killer organizational, planning and productivity skills. So here I am with my PTSD, a dog, a turtle and a tiny little daughter trying to move box after box full of my life’s memories.
I’ve been dying inside.
Regrets.
Wonderful times that can’t be recaptured.
Lost opportunities.
Hopes.
Dreams that won’t ever come true.
I think just about every box has a few tear stains on the contents found within them. In a way, I guess it is better that no one is here to help me because I’ve been a red eyed, swollen face, crying mess. Through it all, no matter how much I cry, there is always enough tears to cry again. There seems to be an endless well of tears set aside just for me.
Besides the tears, I’m having to cope with that horrible Post Traumatic Stress. One of my PTSD symptoms is that I “lose time” while doing a task. For example…I looked at the clock to see how much time I had left before Alyssa got home and then I started packing a small box of books. I taped the box together, turned the box over, placed about thirty large books in the box, wedged about ten little books around them to use up the rest of the box, sealed the box with tape and pushed it over with the other boxes. That would have normally taken me about two minutes to complete. However, while placing the thirty large books in the box, I “lost time” and snapped back into the present by Bella barking like a rabid dog at a bird sitting outside the window.
I knew that the stupid “lost time” thing had happened again without even looking at the clock. After I snap out of “losing time,” I have a pit in my stomach, a heaviness on my chest and I feel like I have been lost in the forest. It is a terrible feeling. I didn’t want to look at the clock, but my curiosity won and I looked. I shouldn’t have looked because it just made me feel worse. Fifty-three minutes had passed. FIFTY-THREE MINUTES!
The whole “lost time” thing is worse when I feel stressed or very lonely and I have been feeling both emotions as I pack everything all by myself. I keep thinking, “What am I supposed to be learning from all these experiences and how will I ever put everything I’ve learned about PTSD to good use?” Needless to say, I don’t know the answers.
Anyway, the weekend ended up being quite productive regardless of my older body, PTSD and sadness. I was busy as a bee on Friday evening and all day Saturday packing, packing and packing. Then on Sunday, Alyssa and I enjoyed a wonderful experience together. I’ll write a post chock-full of photos later, but I’ll give you a hint about why I was so happy yesterday…We go every year. Yeah, it was the bee’s knees!
By the way, I think I make a sassy looking bee! LOL I’m so silly!
Tears are Gods way to wash away the hurt. They will become fewer once this is behind you . There will be other dreams, and other goals. Life never gives up on us, we give up on it. We have to keep stepping in the dark. YOU are a beautiful woman and I know your life will be full of happiness as it is sorrow now.
Quit looking back and look forward and remember you are only alone if you choose to be. You have so much to offer , you are a jewel , a rare and beautiful one. You are a child of God the Father and he loves you. So does your mama. So this Saturday will be hard and then it is up hill from there. So blog friends have this child of mine in your prayers to get he through the week and week end.
Mom
Thank you, but God gives me too many tears to cope with and I can’t help but look back when box after box is only yesterday. My future is a black hole right now.
I’m sorry that you had a weekend of tears and heartache. I’m going to share you a little bit of advice that you and several others have given me. Cancel and turn in your membership card to the Woulda’, Coulda, Shoulda’ Club. Then, remember that we are to embrace and nurture change. Don’t forget to let go of the past. That’s exactly what it is. Take from the past only what is beneficial in learning how to make the future better and brighter. Lastly, don’t forget…this a is an opportunity to move forward. Included in this package is with a great deal of hope for happiness in the future.
I know it’s hard…very hard. My heart is heavy for you. But…. You will be okay. You can do this. You will shine!
Sending you hugs, the kind a true friend gives….
Peace Out!
Thank you. It sounds like you and Mom discussed your replies today. 😉
Peace out!
Oh, if it make you feel any better, I haven’t learned how to do anything that you have suggested to me, that now you Mom and I have suggested to you. We are Works in Progress (WIPs). Pretty funny acronym, because that’s exactly how I feel…Whipped…lol. What else can I do but, sob or laugh. Sometimes it’s a combination, like a mad scientist.
On one more little tid bit. On your Suicide Warning list, somehow, perhaps you should incorporate, crying at any given time…heart wrenching crying. Just sayin’
Take good care of yourself….
WIP…ahhh…very appropriate. Well, it is nice to know that you are human too. However, when I “whip” this stage of my life, it will definitely be time for you to follow so that I can come up with some good acronyms for you. 😉
P.S. If you ever need a roommate….lol.
LOL 😀
I had to let a house go once; haunted and filled with memories, I couldn’t live in it. I couldn’t rent it either, to see it destroyed or changed in any way by renters. I couldn’t sell it, because the market was down, and nothing was selling anywhere near the value of the purchases.
In the end I just walked away from that house, with a box that had a scrap book in it filled with valentine cards from my kids, photos, drawings they had made for me.
My most precious possessions.
It is a terrible thing to see a man cry.
I often still do.
A little cowboy wisdom sometimes gets me through:
Go after life as if it’s something that’s got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away, Sherry.
on your side and praying for you,
Ric
{{{HUGE HUGSSSS}}} and thank you for your prayers, Ric.
I’m sorry you had such a difficult time. It’s never easy when you’re going through “stuff” that brings your emotions to the forefront and all you do is become soppy and weep all of the time. It’s not easy moving on from hurt and it’s even harder letting go! I agree that the tears helps to cleanse and heal you. But you have to experience what you’re going through, and allow yourself to go through it, no matter how many times you do. This is how you heal, this is how you move on. It will get better, in time, when you’re ready. Remember to talk to let your spirit guide you. I’m glad you had a great time with Allyssa! {{hugs}}
“It will get better, in time” Oh how I do look forward to that day!
Thank you Donna!!
WOW, Redhead Riter, so much great advice from your readers! 🙂 What could I possibly say that your readers have not already said? I could say that the dreams that you wrote about losing that will never come true, will be replaced by new dreams that WILL COME TRUE! Of this I am certain. 🙂
You WILL GET THROUGH this ordeal of moving. It’s just that the getting through it is so stressful. Oh, how I wish it was next week already and all this was behind you.
“will be replaced by new dreams that WILL COME TRUE! Of this I am certain.” I’m going to have to just trust you today because I don’t have the energy it would take to believe it.
Hugs! At least we made your behind fall off this weekend 😉 over in “your community”.
Your mama is a wise woman: “You are a child of God the Father and he loves you. So does your mama.” And so do many of us out here. God may give you tears to cleanse your eyes and gives us hope but not the bad stuff. The hurt comes from the oppression which comes from the devil (http://lightsinthemidst.blogspot.com/2011/08/oppression-dont-let-it-dim-your-focus.html).
I look forward to your book(s) and all those other projects you have promised. It is hard to move, but, I have found that moving is truly the only time that things get purged that need it. Hugs to you, Alyssa, Bella and Turtle. May the force be with you!
“I look forward to your book(s) and all those other projects you have promised.” Thank you for believing in me, Bev.
Hi Sherry, Just remember God is always walking right beside you, you’ll be okay.
Try to stay focused on Jesus remember when peter was no longer focusing on Jesus he began sinking when you feel yourself sinking put your focus right back on him.
Thank you, Dixie. {{hugss}}