The Private Comment By My Mother

I wasn’t going to blog tonight and by the time I get to the end of this post, I may change my mind about publishing it.

Because my mother knows that I approve my comments before they post, she often writes me notes that end with a request that I delete it after reading. Basically, it is for my eyes only.

I always comply.

Almost always.

Actually, there has only been one comment that I have not deleted.

It is quickly approaching the end of 2011 which will end without drama. If you’ve read my blog for awhile, you know about what happened to Alyssa and the trauma I suffered afterwards. This has not been an easy two years for me.

With the holidays looming ever closer, I still feel zero spirit. Actually, I feel great sadness. I feel like I lost two years of my life and upon awakening, I find myself alone and older.

I don’t want to seem ungrateful because no words can describe my gratitude for no longer having any flashbacks and that both Alyssa and I are alive. I also am getting back my memory and can “think” again, so I am very thankful that my life is returning albeit slowly.

The holidays are hard for some people for many reasons such as:

• Unpleasant holiday memories.
• Missing people that you can not be with or who have passed.
• Not getting enough sleep and become fatigued.
• Skipping meals or eating too much.
• Financial pressures exacerbated by unrealistic expectations.
• Family discord cause by unresolved issues and/or expectations.
• Trying to be perfect or have everything perfect.
• Too much booze.

At least I know that I’m not the only one suffering today from several of the things on the list. However, knowing that other people feel the same way as I do didn’t really make it easier.

When I finally woke up this morning with the black cloud that followed me around all day, I sat down to see if there were any comments to approve on my blog. There were a couple, but along with them was my mother’s comment from over a month ago….so I reread it….again.

Do you remember my sexy post about plums? If not, it was some of my best photography and one of the sexiest posts I have published. Anyway, that is the post where my mother left the private comment.

Today I read her comment several times trying to help myself feel happier. Yes, it is a private comment that I am going to share. I don’t really think my mother will mind too much if I post it because it is filled with so many of the memories that I hold dear to my heart too. Besides, I don’t want to ever forget all the love she packed into her message to me.

Since no introduction is needed, I will now share the private comment by my mother…

“When you are old and your life seems to stall,
you have to go where the rainbow snow falls.
Where memories of tiny feet,
little red curls,
long silky hair and
busy little hands touch your heart.
Go where the rainbow snow falls all around your feet.
Where love is sweet and tiny lips touch your cheek.
Where tiny lashes lay on china faces and
the rainbow snow falls all around your feet.
Life there is calm,
no heartache is allowed,
no sorrow abounds…
just the sound of laughter with tea parties.
Coke in backpacks,
bags of coke dragged across the floor,
giggles and sweetness drowns you,
where rainbow snow falls all around your feet.
Pooh bear and Robin,
M&M;’s, pretzels, chips and cookies consumed by little mouths.
There are Nutcrackers and Clara all dressed in red,
and ironing board offices with timeless chatter.
Chicken fingers and ham,
long blond hair, big brown eyes
and tender words bring joy in the heart
where rainbow snow falls all around my feet
in a place that is mine to keep.
I thank the Lord for the place
where the rainbow snow falls all around my feet.
Where life’s memories are ever so sweet
and no one goes there but me.
Four tiny girls,
red curls and blond lengths,
china skin and smiles of angels.
They live in my heart
where the rainbow snow falls all around my feet.

This is just for you, my little girl all grown up, my Sherry.”

Obviously, my mother loves her two daughters and two granddaughters. Like her, I remember all those special times and the innocence of youth.

So much time has slipped through my fingers. Although I have lost much and failed often, there have been far more happy than sad moments in my life.

Now I’ve reached the end of my post and I must decide to publish or not publish.

I’m going to publish.

Here’s to wonderful memories in the past and hopefully many more in the future.

“People are never perfect,
but love can be.~Tom Robbins