Hopelessness,
Anger,
Sadness,
and Regret
are like a colander.
They drain you.
Today as I sat in my soon-to-be-new-office and was told about my new role-and-responsibilities in a position I-didn’t-want-to-take-but-have-to-anyway, I smiled and held back sobs of depression, hopelessness, anger, sadness and regret.
Corporate America is business and the model used in employee management will probably never change, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it when I am affected in such an emotional way. It would be easier to cope with if the economic market provided a better employment opportunity, but poverty and unemployment abound in our nation at a scary level. I am, therefore, grateful for a job.
However, on the flip side, I am angry at myself for choices made in my early twenties that put aside my own financial dreams while I shoved, pushed and worked long hours to provide the means for my ex-husband to finish his education. I did it thinking that in the future it would be reciprocated, but like many women, my goals were put on the backburner for later. It was a later that never came, obviously, since he is now my ex-husband and I have not reached my potential.
Because of that one choice, my life today is entirely different than it would have been if I had thought about myself first. Furthermore, I would not be looking at a minimum of probably three years of employment doing a job that I do not enjoy. I know my spewing sounds ungrateful because it isn’t like I have to dig ditches in the pelting rain on a freezing day. It is just that I never dreamed that as I get very close to becoming over-the-hill, I would be so “stuck” in a job that is just not me.
Tonight, after a long day at work, I walked in the door at home, sat on the couch and cried my eyes out until I fell to sleep. I’m sure the eyelids will just be gorgeous tomorrow, but I’m sure you know all about that lovely phenomenon. I gave myself time to feel truly sorry for myself.
I didn’t ask, “Why?”
I already know the answer.
I didn’t curse God.
It isn’t his fault. He didn’t make my choices for me. I had free agency and now I am living the consequences of that free will.
Only I can change the direction of my life. Today, it feels overwhelmingly hopeless, however, my brain tells me that is truly a falsehood. I still have choices. I know if I “keep on doing what I’ve always done, I will keep on getting what I’ve always gotten.” I have a little cleaning out to do at home and by the time all of that is completed to my satisfaction, it will be summer and my daughter will be graduated from high school. As I watch her walk across the stage, it will be the end of one part of my story and the beginning of another in many ways.
Tonight, I’m clinging to the only goal I have right now. I am going back to college when Alyssa graduates from high school and I won’t stop going until I have that coveted piece of paper with lots of initials after my name and I’m sitting in an office that exudes sunshine and happiness. I’ve come too far and sacrificed too much to give up on myself now. Here’s to letting all the emotional baggage slip through the holes of the colander!
Maybe I can hang onto that glimmer of hope.
Dear One, no one hadnles trauma well that is the reason why it is called trauma! You went through so very much this year that coping skills are exhausted. Soemtimes all we can do is hang on and breathe, I see so much more hope in you as you may feel right now. You have plans, you keep going for your goals again. Follow your dreams they know the way. Like you I decided to stuy later… it was so worthwhile just for my self esteem and a dream fullfilled. You go girl!
Good for you that you haven't given up on yourself! Keep going. You'll get there.
I've been a reader/lurker in the past, and just wanted to say that I've enjoyed my time here.
So, from one redhead that didn't/isn't giving up on her dreams to another steadfast/determined redhead ~ thanks for the encouragement and the best of luck to you! I love your blog (AND your hair!)
You can hold! Stay the course and go for the dream. We are NEVER to old to dream or to go for them! I'm sending my positive thoughts your way!
Glad that you creatively use your energy by doing this blog and blogfrog and 'venting' when you need to ~ As for college and pieces of paper & letter after your name ~ well I have done all that and I now know that best and most precious thing I ever did was give birth to my son ~ Yes, I can say that after all I have the 'credentials' that society wants ~ Life is short and I have worked at jobs that I cried about and hated ~ yet now I am doing what I love and didn't need a piece of paper ~ What is it you want to do so much? Get a college degree? Look how creative you are with this blog and blog frog ~ did a college degree get you that? ~ I treasure your 'cyber friendship' and commend you for all you do ~ You are wonderful just the way you are ~ hugs and namaste, cz:)
(((hugs))) I go to a job everyday that is an emotional drain on me as well. I'm sick in the morning thinking about work and sick at night knowing I have to get up in the a.m. and do it all over again. I've been here 8 years…I should have left 7 years ago.
I'm fortunate enough to have that lovely piece of paper called a Bachelor's Degree, but in this economy its worthless 🙁 At this point I don't even want to work for someone else. I'm tired of working for pennies while someone else gets paid out millions. I'm tired and disgusted with the whole process.
I'm sharing so you know that someone out there understands. My heart breaks for you. I know too well what it's like to be in your position. Sounds like you have an escape plan. Focus on it, committ to it and it will happen. I'll be leaving my soul-sucking job before June if all goes as planned.
There are so many that feel the way you do. But after all you didn't do anything wrong by supporting somebody else. You invested into something that was promising and reasonable, it made sense and at the time therefore was the right decision. Investments don't always pan out, neither monetarily nor emotionally.
As the other commenters mentioned: you've got a lot going for you! Keep up the good work!
Oh Red, I am so sorry you are going through yet, another turmoil in your life! It is always something, isn't it? I guess that is what life is about. So many obstacles placed in front of us and we have to figure out how to get beyond them. I am still trying to figure that out. I have had those jobs that I hated and had to go to. I guess that is why I was able to adapt to this lifestyle so easily. Hang in there and maybe something else will develop that will take you away from the job world.
I'm glad you have decided to go back to school and do something for YOU.
My mom, after numerous jobs, three kids and two divorces (it would be three by the time she graduated) under her belt, went back to school to get her RN degree. She graduated last year and is finally in a profession she loves and has dreamed about since she was barely out of diapers.
Don't we all go through this to some degree? I am happy to be the person I am today. A started blogging because it was a way to "exhale". Society puts a lot of pressure on women to be this or that. Have or have not.
Do what you need to do for you. Not anyone else, just you.
Your blog is a testament to the person you are, not a "job".
I hope I haven't over stepped here.
Blessings
MusingMom6
Thanks for writing…climb in the boat, we can sing "sea shanties" 'til the tide changes.
Hi –
Yes, life can throw us for loops indeed. I believe that you wil rise above it all. My prayers are with you.