When the sun sets and all visible light on the horizon has disappeared, blackness as thick as the ocean is deep, engulfs everything into a silent abyss. It is the end of day and the beginning of night. This is usually a joyous time although something good is ending, but all experiences and happenings that cease are not always welcomed.
Something dramatic is occurring inside of my aching heart and foggy brain caused by all the awful things that have been heaped upon my shoulders over the past few years with the emphasis on this year. I don’t know who I am any more, where I want to go and I do not like my life.
That just sounds terrible.
It even borders on ungrateful which isn’t true at all.
I have lounged this weekend while washing a little laundry, cooking a few meals, watching movies, kissing the puppy, and contemplating my life – the life I don’t like very much.
I know how happiness feels.
When the sun rises in the morning, it’s color filled rays illuminate every crack and crevice in the landscape. Everything that was engulfed in darkness hours before has a different appearance. I’ve been so happy that it exudes through my fingertips, my step is light as though I am floating on a cloud and my smile energizes my face.
Since my life is now vastly different than that happiness, the doom and gloom feels even heavier.
It isn’t impossible to be happy again and I can not settle for just a mediocre life. I haven’t lived to this point just to stop trying and accept whatever is handed down to me.
I’ve changed inside and the things in my life that need changing are going to either change or I’m going to eliminate them from my realm of existence.
There is a beautiful song by Sally Seltmann that I’m going to have to sing a lot to help me move on with life and hopefully I will do it with grace. One of the saddest things is a bitter, old woman and I do not want to turn into one.
I can have happiness….it is just going to take some work.
On The Borderline
Remember when you told me in the morning
You said I was tough
Tougher than the average woman
But I guess that is not tough enough
‘Cause when you left me on the weekend
I was crumbling
At the roots and the stem
Like a flower dying in the garden
Now you’re gone
I have to strengthen up my little heart
Find my own way
Light my torch
And sparkle my own spark
When I wake up in the morning I feel very numb
But I’m gonna get through
I’m gonna tell myself every day
Get yourself up, get yourself up
Get yourself out of bed
This is a new day
This is a new day
This is a new day today
Snapping your fingers
Tapping your toes
You are humming a tune
You know, you know
This is a new day
This is a new day
This is a new day today
On the borderline from what is right to what is wrong
There I am and there I try, I try to carry on
And when I’m standing on a mountain I feel brave and strong
Yeah I’m gonna get through with or without you
Get yourself up, get yourself up
Get yourself out of bed
This is a new day
This is a new day
This is a new day today
Snapping your fingers
Tapping your toes
You are humming a tune
You know, you know
This is a new day
This is a new day
This is a new day today
I’m gonna change, I’m gonna change, I’m gonna change
Just the way I see myself today
I’m gonna change, I’m gonna change
But there’s gotta be an easier way
An easier way to start the day
Get yourself up, get yourself up
Get yourself out of bed
This is a new day
This is a new day
This is a new day today
Snapping your fingers
Tapping your toes
You are humming a tune
You know, you know
This is a new day
This is a new day
This is a new day today
I appreciate all your thoughtful words which have come from people all over the world who feel or have felt just like I do now. Isn’t it mind boggling to reflect upon the vast differences between us and yet emotions such as sorrow, depression and hopelessness are universal.
My stepfather sent this to me and I thought it was worth sharing and ruminating.
Mom’s Empty Chair
A woman’s daughter had asked the local minister
to come and pray with her mother.
When the minister arrived,
he found the woman lying in bed with her head
propped up on two pillows.
An empty chair sat beside her bed.
The minister assumed that the woman
had been informed of his visit..
‘I guess you were expecting me, he said.
‘No, who are you?’ said the mother.
The minister told her his name and then remarked,
‘I saw the empty chair and I figured you knew
I was going to show up..’
‘Oh yeah, the chair,’ said the bedridden woman
‘Would you mind closing the door?’
Puzzled, the minister shut the door.
‘I have never told anyone this,
not even my daughter,’ said the woman.
‘But all of my life I have never
known how to pray.
At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer,
but it went right over my head…’
I abandoned any attempt at prayer,’
the old woman continued, ‘
until one day four years ago, my best friend said to me,
‘ Prayer is just a simple matter
of having a conversation with Jesus.
Here is what I suggest..
‘Sit down in a chair;
place an empty chair in front of you,
and in faith see Jesus on the chair.
It’s not spooky because he promised,
‘I will be with you always’..
‘Then just speak to him in the same way
you’re doing with me right now…’
‘So, I tried it and I’ve liked it so much
that I do it a couple of hours every day.
I’m careful though . If my daughter saw me talking
to an empty chair, she’d either have a nervous breakdown
or send me off to the funny farm.’
The minister was deeply moved by the story and
encouraged the old woman to continue on the journey.
Then he prayed with her, anointed her with oil,
and returned to the church.
Two nights later the daughter called
to tell the minister that her mama
had died that afternoon.
Did she die in peace?’ he asked.
Yes, when I left the house about two o’clock,
she called me over to her bedside,
told me she loved me and kissed me on the cheek.
When I got back from the store an hour later,
I found her .
But there was something strange about her death.
Apparently, just before Mom died,
she leaned over and rested her head on the chair
beside the bed. What do you make of that?’
The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said,
‘I wish we could all go like that.’
Thankfully, I know how to pray and I appreciate all of your prayers as well. Do you find it hard to pray when life is filled with sorrow or is it where you find peace?
I can find peace during sorrow in prayer…it's when I am angry with God about something that I have trouble–and it usually stems from selfishness on my part. But sorrow..that's the only place I can really find any peace at all.
Oh Red! Change is so hard! There are days when I couldn't pray last year. I just did not have deep-enough kind of words to express the grief and pain within. The most powerful words I had were "Be with me, Father." He knew what I needed. He knew there were no words within me – only the ability to stand – just stand – and let Him carry me through this storm I neither understood, expected or wanted. I will be praying for you – for peace, restful sleep, and moments of joy in this journey:)
Beautiful and heart tugging post!! (((HUGS)))
As for prayer… It depends on which me is at the surface. Don't laugh, but there have been times when I pour my heart out the most is in the shower. LOL!! I will never be interrupted there! I am alone and can let the tears flow.
thinking of you at this time. talk to Him, he always hears you. *gentle hugs*
My Dear Daughter, I had to teach at church today. I could hardly get through the lesson for thinking of you. Your friend Holly and I have something in common, I do my best praying and crying in the shower. I have thought a lot about what if, what if this was my last day. I would be able to tell the Lord, thank you for my four girls, thank you for letting me live with in minutes of them all their lives, thank you for letting them love me so very much, thank you for all the days on earth I have had and thank you for loving me all my life and being there for me. I know we have the allotted time the Lord gave each of us to live on earth..Your dads passing has truly made me aware of this every day. I am not the person I was yesterday or will I be the same in the morning. I change as I grow and experience life. Unhappiness starts inside our hearts, and when we allow it to be all there is we lose ourselves. This is Satan tool, so do as the song says, get up tap your toes and be glad we all have one more splendid day to be here together. I love you with all my heart, I look foreward to our holidays together. We are going to have a Jolly holiday with Mary week and with Mary all things can pop out of that bag she carries. Remember a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down!!! Our sugar is prayer, our bag is the Savior, The Christ and our song is Families Can Be Together Forever ! You have to remember , There is a Green Hill Faraway, and we will climb it together one day. Life is not easy and we have to take risk and we have to put one foot in front of the other even if we are bare foot and the rocks of life are jagged. I am proud of you and all you accomplish, I know you will get up and when you do you will roar like a lion and boy I am glad I will be on your good side,lol. Now go, have a "Mary Poppins kind of week. I am here
Love mom
It's when things are most trying that I give thanks the most. In finding things to be grateful for I'm expressing my faith.
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. It's believing that you receive whatever you ask for BEFORE it can be seen with the sense of sight or felt with the sense of touch.
The more I've learned to stand on faith (and patience) the more quickly my life has turned around. For the better.
I've recently read a little 3" x 5" 20 page booklet titled "Quantum Faith" by Annette Capps.
On my own journey from depression this year, this booklet helped to make sense of so many questions I had. This is only a very small part of my search and discovery.
I find peace in giving thanks. I find peace in standing in faith. I've learned that I am NEVER alone in this life. God is with me and God is love. There is no fear in (spiritual) love.
(((hugs))) YOU are not alone either. He is with you always, and we are here to lend support.
Good Morning ~ A New Day ~
I meditate daily and it is a type of prayer ~ I also, recently, have developed a mantra of the serenity prayer which is calming and focusing to me ~ Life is like the ocean it ebbs and flows ~ I was widowed at 24 w/a toddler son ~remarried 7 years later ~ widowed again after 18 years ~ thought I was over marriage ~ Spirit sent me another husband 4 yrs later and he died ~ I am grateful for my life even with all those losses and I too felt the light wouldn't shine in my heart again ~ It shines ever brighter and stronger now ~ I still get down at times but have learned I am not alone ~ Life is good and will be good again for you. Walk through it ~ hugs and namaste, cz 🙂
(((hugs))) Praying for you and trusting Him to Touch you during your struggle. You are Loved!
YOU are not alone.
Love the song – hadn't heard it before – it is beautiful!
I don't pray in the traditional sense of the word…
Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and relating to your words…
And hoping that you find your way back to happiness very soon.
Lots of Love,
V
My MIL always says that nothing bad ever happens without something good following. Sometimes the bad seems to last for a little too long but … keep your eyes open because the good is just ahead.
Breathe deeply …
I talk to Jesus constantly. Where ever I go, He is with me and He is listening. Sometimes I talk too much but He doesn't mind. In bad times, I talk even more. And usually the direction I take, is hopefully, where He has led me.
My dear Red, I have been where you are, and will probably be there again before it is all over. It is difficult going through the valley, but God teaches us some of His most important lessons there. There is a beautiful song by "Third Day" that goes "you've got to go through the valley, to stand upon the mountain of God." You will come out stronger on the other side. Your friend, Patti