The Men’s meme question answered by Tom is below and his comments will be in BLUE:
This is fodder for a dissertation. It really does have the substance and potential for observation, tests, and measures among an unlimited population. This would reveal the ingredients of a happy or unhappy relationship. That said, my answer is several times a week our points of view, interests, needs, wants and desires collide. The word tumultuous comes to mind. I have never seriously entertained a breakup even though I become defensive, prideful, stubborn, insulting, ferocious, and loud.How often do you argue? In what manner and for how long do you carry on an argument with your spouse, companion or partner?
I try unsuccessfully to take breaks from these battles, nonetheless they can last for hours and we can revisit the same issues for years. Is gold the precious metal of a 50th anniversary?!
At the risk of being political incorrect (well, chauvinist), I’m married to a redhead.
Obviously, his last statement basically says it all. He is definitely a chauvinist and extremely set in his ways. But let me start at the beginning…
He hated and refused to answer the two questions for the usual men’s meme. I should have taken that as an omen to his grumpiness because they were great questions. So then it came time to ask a question he did want to answer. I chose a question about sex and he just wouldn’t hear of answering it. He wasn’t in the mood. Isn’t that just a priceless answer?
Next, we finally agree on the question above after a somewhat heated discussion about my sex question. It really was a good question.
I will also answer the above question with brutal honesty which seems to be my “redheaded” trait that so often chafes Tom’s ego.
We don’t just disagree, we argue. There are several reasons it isn’t a discussion with the top two being:
- I am not a subservient “yes” wife that caters to my husband. Tom comes from the generation where that was the accepted norm and in his previous relationships, his word was the law. That is the chauvinist, selfish part of his character. I refuse to conform so you can imagine the sparks that do fly.
- Tom is overly defensive.
Do you remember the posting I did on the spoon method of talking to one another? It just about kills Tom. He does fine while he is talking…on and on and on and on, but when it is my turn to speak, he wants me to hurry up and interrupts. That usually ruins my train of thought and just makes me more frustrated!
Tom tries to say I am “stubborn” to justify his own stubbornness. I am only stubborn when I am 100% correct and not being unreasonable. For instance, if I say that my feelings are hurt, that is not being stubborn! That issue isn’t even debatable. I am the only one that knows how I feel. If I disagree with him, Tom immediately goes for the stubborn attack. If that doesn’t work to get his way, he goes to the three things that totally incite me to boiling anger…redheads can boil. Those three things are:
- Are you menstruating?
- Maybe you should take a water pill.
- You’re obviously a redhead.
I find all three to be disgustingly insulting which is why he says them. Tom only goes for the woman digs because he wants his way! (Being politically incorrect – Isn’t that just like a man!) Then I get my feelings hurt and cry.(Also politically incorrect – Isn’t that just like a woman!) Don’t you hate crying? If Tom hurts my feelings and makes me cry, the next thing that happens is I get angrier. As you can see, it becomes a vicious cycle.
We have been married for a little over four years and I dare say, that we have to continually work towards peace and compromise. Do I believe in a right way to disagree? Oh yes! I think that if both partners are willing to put aside their own selfish desires and think of their partner FIRST (walk in another’s shoes concept), a peaceful solution can always be attained without insults, hurt feelings or anger.
How do you handle disagreements and arguments?
Here we go again! I wish I could get my desk top from the repair shop! (I'm having to make payments to get it out). I keep hitting the wrong key and somehow changing screens and losing what I have written. Anyway, back to the subject! I loved your post. I haven't participated because Don's been on a tear about me using the internet. He says I spend so much time on it, that He cannot get on. Anyway, that's an on-going battle, so I talk to him as little as possible when it comes to the computer. As far as "his favorite diggs" toward me he can't use the ones your hubby uses anymore (I past that stage) but he constantly brings up my weight and my memory. I'm becoming numb as far as the weight comments finally, but everytime we talk and he disagrees with me, it's I don't know what I'm talking about, he shouldn't even talk to me because I can't remember anything anyways, and on and on. I love the encouragement he gives me! Ha!
Love ya bunches!
PJ
Each week after I finish the post and before I actually publish it, I read it to Tom to make sure that I got everything in it he wanted to say and that there isn't anything else that he wants to add. I read my part to him last night and he said he knows he falls short and that it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks, but to publish it. He thinks that maybe someone will be helped by his admission and my feelings, and if not, when I bind my blog into books for my daughter, it may help her some day. Heck, it may help her children! I'm not perfect and neither is my life, so if I save someone agony and heartache, it will be worth it to share my struggles.
Sherry, every couple fights, and as Tom points out, the relationship goes on nonetheless. The trick to staying in love through the fights is to be able to fight fair. Don’t make it personal; instead, focus on the issue. Don't dig up old mistakes to blame on the other person. And never shout, just to get in the last word, and then storm out of the room; getting the last word in is not as important as knowing you can talk with your Beloved about whatever is bothering you, and he knowing likewise.
I can't remember the last time one of us took a dig at the other, but it was probably followed quickly by, "That's not fair!" When we fight nowadays, it's usually about money (and the fact that we have so little of it for spending). The situation is sometimes very stressful for both of us, and I feel powerless to fix it, which is a feeling that can push many men (me included) into a deep depression. (That's why we may not want to talk about it. No sense in dwelling on problems we can't fix. Ask Tom; I bet he understands. 🙂 )
-TimK
I know exactly what you mean because Tom has been unemployed since the middle of November. He gets very depressed and tries to keep the positive attitude, but sometimes he just can't do it.
When I stop talking and refuse to argue with him, he is left with silence to contemplate his attitude. It humbles him pretty fast. The problem happens when I keep on trying to "solve" it. I can't solve it and my brain knows it! Fighting is so ridiculous. I keep thinking of all the wasted time spent arguing when instead we could be filled with happiness.
Thanks for your comment. I'm hopping over to see your link. Did you read my link about the spoon?
First let me ask can we clone Tim? the only man you will ever be safe with as far as your feelings go is in your fist message hanging on the cross. Arguing never ends anything, or helps. I have learned that at my ole age. I just want to think of a life where I never have to worry about anyone person hurting my feelings again. This is life, it only last a moment due to that sacrifice on the cross. I love you bunches. love your mom
Interesting that Tom, being a professional listener, may only apply his trade when listening to strangers. I suppose it's true that "a plumber's home often posesses the most leaks".
Terry P.