When I’m alone…actually I’m alone more than I care to admit…but when I’m alone, I wonder where all the time has gone. Life isn’t like it “used” to be. I know I “shouldn’t” dwell in the past, but this morning when I took Alyssa to school it just hit me in the face. I’m lonely and I miss having someone need me all the time.
My daughter is this beautiful young woman who used to rely on me for everything. My days were filled with washing her laundry, making sure she didn’t put anything she shouldn’t in her mouth, and the list just goes on and on and on. Now, the list is rather short and it is too sad.
In my mind, I can’t believe that these days are over (referring to the picture below)
I look at the picture and remember all of it…We were at Six Flags over Texas at the base of the Parachute ride. It was brisk outside, but not too cold. I was still nursing and was due to have my gall bladder removed as soon as I decided to quit nursing. That didn’t happen until Alyssa was eighteen months old. I was really thin and my hair was really long. We were sitting quite happily waiting on everyone else to finish their rides. Alyssa laughed and tried talking to me with funny noises. She gave me slobbery kisses because she still couldn’t pucker her lips. Her little outfit was snugly and soft and she smelled like…well, she smelled like Alyssa. Her skin was so fair and soft as velvet. Above all else, she REALLY needed me all the time.
Alyssa still needs me, but very differently and definitely not as much.
Before I had Alyssa, I didn’t think alone was so bad.
Today, alone seems very much like a dark, endless abyss of sadness.
A chapter in my life is quickly disappearing and I am not coping with it very well. I guess I am just a whiner. I visit your blogs and read about your babies and I want my baby years back. I don’t want to be on the verge of wrinkles and my daughter graduating, getting married and having babies of her own.
I can’t stop the hands of time.
I can’t bring back the old days.
I have to live in this moment.
Enjoy these experiences.
Express thankfulness for my opportunities.
But when I’m alone, I cry and ache for those little outstretched arms asking me to pick her up and hold her close.
I miss my baby.
holding on to
the things you love,
the things you are,
the things you
never want to lose.”
~Kevin Arnold~
awww what a great post. I am sure you aren't alone in feeling this way. I am just starting my journey to motherhood (hopefully) and can only imagine that this is how I'd feel..
Awww, I can understand what you are saying. I'm sorry if you visit my blog and the big baby picture is staring at you in the face, just know I'll be right here too one day. Oh, and you're probably getting more sleep than I am. 🙂 It is hard though, closing these chapters. Embrace the new beginnings though, you never know what new suprises and joy might be around the corner.
this post just makes me relish every millisecond with my baby girl. you have done a stupendous job raising Alyssa. she may not need you as much, but she will always want her mommy.
What do you like to do when you are alone?
What activities can make you feel fulfilled?
I can relate to you because I sometimes have trouble being alone. Nevertheless I learned to love being alone. My daughter is 4 and so far she is still mommy's girl and very cuddly, but soon I know that she will grow up and be more independant. It is interseting that sometimes I miss those little moments with my son who is 10 now and I feel this little sadness because he starts to have these pre-teenager signs already. There is this little feeling inside of me that still wants him to stay a kid. But on the other hand I am happy he grows up because he needs to.
I feel that you are still needed, but only in a different way perhaps.
You hit the nail on the head this morning. My first child is 30 today. What a feeling and my baby is 13. I can not agree more and understand exactly what you mean. I don't have grandbabies yet but I sure ache for them.
I have a 12 year old boy and a 16 year old girl. When Caitlin was born, I remember saying how I didn't want her to grow up. Well, I wanted her to have a long, healthy life but couldn't it always be as a baby? I remember telling my husband that I couldn't handle the thought of her not needing me or me being able to kiss her cute little toes. I even remember thinking that she wouldn't even be cute after the age of 5! Well, at the age of 16, she is still adorable, she still needs me (just in different ways) and I still grab her toes and kiss them whether she likes it or not. (She totally does even if she acts like she doesn't)! The event that really made me realize that my kids will ALWAYS need their mom was the death of my mother when I was 34. I guess I never realized just how much I needed her until then, sad to say. Your daughter will always need you and as all the major events happen in her life, she will think of you first and foremost. I still pick up the phone to call my mom almost 4 years after her death only to realize that I can't do that anymore.
I thought I was alone in this part of lifes journey. I often feel the sadness you describe as my son(one and only) is finishing up his junior year of HS.
Wow, reading that makes me want to crawl into bed with my kiddos and hug them forever. Thanks for sharing! Dana
This one made me cry. My daughter is 4 1/2 and we're almost to the point when I don't have to worry that she'll wander away from me or open the door to a stranger while I'm in the shower. I also miss that 100% dependence. I think I need another baby! 🙁
This post tugged at my heartstrings! I don't have a baby of my own yet but my husband and I are trying to start a family. I have always wanted a little girl and I imagine I am going to feel this way one day … How blessed she is to have a mother who tells her how much she is loved. Not every daughter is given such a gift.