As you know, my beautiful daughter Alyssa has moved to the other side of the galaxy to begin a new job and new life…without me.
STOP!
Did that sound too loud? I didn’t mean it to sound loud, but I’m going through a bit of an emotional upheaval right now.
So before you launch into, “She’s never really without you” or “She’s only as far as the phone or Skype,” let me assure you that without Alyssa walking in the door each night after work, kissing me goodnight, and resting her head on a pillow in her room, she is in a life without me.
AND before you say, “This is normal” and “It will get better,” I already know it is normal for children to leave home. I never thought, however, she would move so far away with the intention of it being a permanent location. THAT was a bit of a shock, but the emotions I feel are not a shock at all. Nope, not a shock at all. It took forever before I was able to have Alyssa so after being without a child for so long and thinking that I was going to be childless forever, I comforted myself back then by saying, “At least I won’t have to dread the day my child leaves the nest,” but then I got pregnant and now my child has left the nest.
The past few weeks have not been easy. In all honesty, some days I have cried the whole day. My face, well, my face lately is red, swollen and splotchy more often than it looks normal. I don’t feel the least bit ashamed that I’ve cried so much, nor do I care what anyone thinks about it. I’m grieving and THAT is also normal with empty nest syndrome.
What Is Empty Nest Syndrome?
Empty Nest Syndrome refers to feelings of sadness, depression and grief experienced by parents after their children leave their childhood homes. For many parents, this occurs when their child goes to college or gets married.
Women are more likely than men to be affected and stay-at-home mothers are affected even more because:
- Women are often going through menopause as the same time as their children leave home.
- A stay-at-home mother does not have that daily outlet where she can escape the loneliness of the missing child in the home.
- Women who identify first as a mother, tend not to have as much of a “self” to help get through the loss.
Basically, if you are the type of mother I have been AND you have let the “self” part of you slide away like I have AND you are going through menopause meaning that the likelihood of having another child is nearly non-existent, then you are going to experience a traumatic and very lonely time when your last child leaves home.
Yeah, I’m feeling it and choking back the tears as best as I can.
Symptoms Of Empty Nest Syndrome
There are four basic symptoms of empty nest syndrome:
- Depression
- Alcoholism
- Identity Crisis
- Marital Conflicts
I guess I should be thankful that I’m not suffering all four of the main symptoms of empty nest syndrome. I’m not an alcoholic and since I’m not married, I have no marital conflicts, but I am depressed and suffering from an identity crisis.
With Alyssa gone from home, I feel that my youthfulness is gone. I actually panicked and wondered if it were at all possible for me to have another baby. Yeah, really. See how messed up I’ve been?
Instead of seeing this as a new beginning for me, I totally view it as an end. A sad, lonely end where I have become useless and totally not needed. I have no value anymore.
What To Do If You Are Experiencing Empty Nest Syndrome
Psychologists say that now is the time parents who are experiencing empty nest syndrome need to:
- Rediscover personal interests/hobbies
- Put the spark back in their marriage/relationships or begin dating
- Treat yourself to things and experiences
- Acknowledge your grief and be kind to yourself
- Keep a journal
- Talk about your feelings to a good friend, spouse, partner, therapist
Things You Worry About Or Experience With Empty Nest Syndrome
Having Alyssa not live here has been a HUGE adjustment for me in a million little things as well as the big ones. So when your children leave home, there are some common feelings that many parents experience:
- Loss Of Companionship – Not that parents who remain under the same roof and raise their children aren’t close to them, but a single mother or a mother of just one child has a different bond with her child. On top of that, I was completely absorbed in motherhood and found it TOTALLY fulfilling. One of the great things about staying home this past year is that I have been able to see Alyssa A LOT. Being unemployed in that aspect has been a mixed blessing. Alyssa is SO FUN to be with and I always enjoyed her company. I miss her companionship because she really did brighten my day.
- Worry About Child’s Safety – Not only isn’t Alyssa just down the street, she’s nearly 3,000 miles away and I can’t protect her while being this far.
- When She Gets Sick – I won’t be able to run pick up a prescription, lemons, cough drops or chicken broth when Alyssa gets sick. If she throws up, I can’t wet the cloth to put on her head. I simply won’t be able to dote on my sick child. I worry whether she’ll be okay when she has to do it herself.
- A New Relationship – In many ways I think Alyssa and I were already peer like friends before she left home, but moving far away means we have to create a totally different kind of relationship if we are to remain close.
- Some People Criticize You For Not Being Overjoyed – I’ve had quite a few people condemn me for crying and being so sad. They say things like, “Don’t you want Alyssa to be happy?” and “Don’t you think you’re being really selfish?” I must say, I’m not a violent person, but I felt like punching them in the nose. Of course I want her happy! No I’m not being overly selfish! I’m grieving a loss! This is one of those times people need to learn compassion and how to be kind to parents who are sad.
- Was I A Good Enough Parent? – At this point, it is too late if you didn’t parent your child properly. Although I think I was a good mother, I wasn’t perfect. Although I enjoyed all the things that many think are boring and restrictive about being a mother, I wasn’t perfect. I worry that maybe I forgot to teach her something really important or that I didn’t emphasize something enough or that I just didn’t give enough of myself. Well, actually, I think I ignored being “myself” too often which is why I feel so lost right now.
In Conclusion
The kitchen sink remains empty of dishes.
Alyssa’s bathroom is still spotless from when I cleaned it the day after she left home.
There’s never a pile with Alyssa’s lunch bag, shoes, other bag, shoes or boots, sunglasses, cell phone and various other items in the floor of the living room.
I don’t have to buy a billion eggs.
Alyssa doesn’t call me to ask that I cook a whole chicken and divide it in Mason jars for her lunches.
Alyssa’s car isn’t parked out front.
I never find the washing machine over stuffed with Alyssa’s clothes.
Bella no longer finds Alyssa’s underwear on the floor to confiscate and hide in her little house.
I don’t get to kiss my sweet daughter goodnight or see her off to work.
There is an eerie tangible silence that screams, “SHE’S GONE!”
As she was leaving, I said to Alyssa, “I just haven’t had enough time with you. I’m going to miss you so badly,” to which she replied, “You’ve had me 22 years!”
I said, “It wasn’t enough! Even if it was 122 years, it still wouldn’t be enough.”
Alyssa hugged me tight and said she loved me.
Yeah, I’m crying. How could I write this post and not cry? I’m tender-hearted and I have been a devoted mother. I miss being needed. I’m sure I will survive, but it’s going to take me awhile to cope with this change. It just feels like all the color has been drained from my life.
Hmmm… I think HUGGERS should go first today. There now… Where was I? OKay, I think all of the things you are feeling are valid feelings for you. Of all the things you're feeling right now, though, I don't think you should feel useless. Sure, you dont have Alyssa in the house to dote over, however Bella still needs you. Hell… to a lesser extent those of us who have come to look forward to your blog entries need you too. Often your words hit us in a place that helps us cope or realize that we aren't truly alone in what we feel. I'm sorry your daughter has spread her wings and flown the nest. Not looking forward to the day when that happens with my son. But from what I've read here in your blogs, I think you've raised a pretty awesome young lady of whom I know you are certainly very proud. I pray that with time, your separation anxiety eases and that you find little ways to begin filling those empty spots in your day. Smile my friend, you've done good. -MoreHugz!- Thank you for sharing my friend! 🙂
Thank you for the hugs and the sweet comment Kenny. Alyssa is AWESOME and totally capable of doing this which does say I did something right, so I feel good about that. Time does heal and so does Bella. 😉 I can’t say the same thing about Turtle although I do love the crazy creature. If he didn’t poop so much and maybe could talk, it would be different. LOL 😀
Wait… did you say you sorted every thing into mason jars? Not tupperwear or ziplock bags? I’ll bet there’s a blog entry on this I haven’t found yet…. 😉 hint hint 😉
LOL That’s a good hint because I don’t think I have written a post about the Mason jar thing. May be forthcoming! 😉
No wonder I couldn’t find it! *LOL* No rush, but I’ll be watching. 🙂 <3
LOL You crack me up!!!!! Seriously! I’m laughing out loud!
What part of CA did she go to? Maybe I could give her surrogate hugs if she’s not too far from me. I’d love to give you hugs but you are way too far away. I know you could use them more. I raised my son as a single mom. He and his wife share a house with me (and the pets). My son says I will go with them wherever they go. I am his only family. His wife doesn’t say no so, I am lucky.
“My son says I will go with them wherever they go.” YOU are EXTREMELY blessed!!!!!!!
Funny how she is happy as a lark and I’m sad as can be. This is a crazy part of motherhood, that’s for sure.
“And this, too, shall pass”. The acute part will, anyway. I still have moments of wishing my girls were in the house with me and it’s 20 yrs. since the youngest one left. The positive side was, once the pain and fear were over, it is quite the adventure to rediscover yourself. My girls are quite interested in all the ways I have expanded my horizons over the years and I get to learn so much from their experiences out in the big, wild world as well. It’s different, but not bad in the end.
Thank you Maureen for sharing your experience. It helps to know that the pain isn’t going to kill me the rest of my life. {{{hugsss}}}
Well, heck , what do you call my feelings. She was not in my nest and I feel sick in side and cry all day. lol We are a pair. She is sunshine, right along with Brittany. It has been cloudy since she is gone and I miss her to my arms aching. Go a head and miss her dear, she is worth missing , but we will have her forever in the scheme of life and eternities.
I’m sure it is a form of empty nest for you too, Mom.
Hi Sherry! I have just discovered your blog when I searched comforting words for the empty nester ! Thank you for your honestly !! Thanks for the tips !!
I can very much relate to how you feel, especially feeling useless and done! We can look to other woman who are doing vibrant and exciting things and that really helps! Jane Fonda inspires me, have you seen her Ted talk! My youngest daughter left 8 months ago, I finally stopped crying when the school bus goes by or when I hear neigborhood kids laughing !It’s a battle I fight in my head ! Like you said certain things trigger it! I’m sure our house was like yours,full of great kids , I loved it!! I would often say , invite your friends over ! Perhaps signs of a not so strong marriage and that I needed to get more of a life ! My girls and I ran a small business selling ogopogo poop . A novelty candy to 30 stores in our tourist area for 7 years ! The ogopogo is the mythical creature that lives in our lake! It started when the girls were 9 and 12 . Santa was on a tight budget that year! It was beyond amazing Sherry ! The Neighbor hood kids helped and we had so much fun ! Did two mission type trips with the money to help kids who live off the garbage dumps in Mexico ! My youngster daughter started speaking in schools and life was in freaking credible !!loli work from home running my speakers bureau so I could juggle all of it !
Many things have ended at the same time for me!
We tell ourselves .. The kids are not dead ! They or ( she ) is happy! It’s natural, we know we raise them to leave!! You hit it on the head when you said it’s a grieving process! And we will survive! I have to plan something fun every weekend! And I’m being more intentional about my friendships! I’m also trying to find something my husband and I like to do together , besides me watching him fall asleep Infront of the TV ! We were going to take in an exchange student right away! But we’re giving ourselves a year to feel life and see what is best !
How are you doing now? Can you go a day with out crying? Did you ever get professional help? I’m considering it ! But it is getting better ! Slowly ! We are more them fabulous mothers! I want to be the example to my kids ! I always liked the saying … Your kids are your mirror ! Although it’s a scary thought ! It held me accountable !
Sorry about the over share ! I don’t have many friends who are dealing with this ! My one friend has her kids living an hour away and I’m so jealous I can hardly stand myself !
I have many friends who have not had kids and they have no clue !
Take care and thanks for listening ! Best of luck ! Big hugs sister !
Hi Sherry! I have just discovered your blog when I searched comforting words for the empty nester ! Thank you for your honestly !! I can very much relate to how you feel, especially feeling useless and done! We can look to other woman who are doing vibrant and exciting things and that really helps! Jane Fonda inspires me, have you seen her Ted talk! My youngest daughter left 8 months ago, I finally stopped crying when the school bus goes by or when I hear neither hood kids laughing !It’s a battle I fight in my head ! Like you said certain things trigger it! I’m sure our house was like yours full of great kids , I loved it!! I would often say , invite your friends over ! Perhaps signs of a not so strong marriage and that I needed to get more of a life ! My girls and I ran a small business selling ogopogo poop . A novelty candy to 30 stores in our tourist area for 7 years ! The ogopogo is the mythical creature that lives in our lake! It started when the girls were 9 and 12 . Santa was on a tight budget that year! It was beyond amazing Sherry ! The Neighbor hood kids helped and we had so much fun ! Did two mission type trips with the money to help kids who live off the garbage dumps in Mexico ! My youngster daughter started speaking in schools and life was in freaking credible !!loli work from home running my speakers bureau so I could juggle all of it !
Many things have ended at the same time for me!
We tell ourselves .. The kids are not dead ! They or ( she ) is happy! It’s natural, we know we raise them to leave!! You hit it on the head when you said it’s a grieving process! And we will survive! I have to plan something fun every weekend! And I’m being more intentional about my friendships! I’m also trying to find something my husband and I like to do together , besides me watch him fall asleep Infront of the TV !
How are you doing now!?
My youngest daughter moved out last August. Her names Alyssa too. She was my youngest of 3 and her moving out wasn’t planned and she sometimes goes weeks without talking to me. I had mastectomy a month after she moved and thank God it wasn’t Cancer. She has been quite absent and I feel so lonely and depression has settled in. I don’t have any friends close by and I don’t know who I am or what I enjoy. I went from graduation to marriage and so forth. I’m so lost. I cry so much when she’s not talking to me and she won’t give me an explanation. She lives with her bf and he’s not been nice or understanding. I just don’t know how to get up and find myself. I am in therapy for my anxiety and depression and I have nobody to relate to. I feel useless not being a mom and my identity left with her.
I’m so sorry you are hurting. {{{hugsss}}}