Major changes happened, are happening and will soon happen in my life. Unfortunately, fear and rejection have been my constant companions and they have refused to leave. To get rid of these very strong emotions…
- I’ve been to therapy
- I’ve watched movies
- I’ve blasted music
- I’ve read self-help books and books for pleasure
- I’ve listened to family members and friends who try to encourage me
- I’ve unselfishly given of my compassion, time and talents
- I’ve screamed until I was hoarse
- I’ve prayed to a God who apparently isn’t talking to me
- I’ve meditated until I actually fell asleep
- I’ve used yoga exercises
- I’ve taken long drives to nowhere
- I’ve gone on long walks
- I’ve stared out the window aimlessly
- I’ve cleaned obsessively
- I’ve slept too much
- I’ve not slept enough
- and I’ve cried until I was unrecognizable since my eyes had become so swollen and puffy.
Why can’t I get rid of the fear and rejection?
Before I can answer that question, I’ll have to make sure we are on the same wavelength and tell you a story.
What Is Fear And Rejection?
You can have fear of many things, but when you have a fear of being rejected because you’ve experienced a very painful rejection, the emotional stress is phenomenal. So what exactly is fear and rejection?
Definition of rejection: the action of rejecting or the state of being rejected
Definition of reject, rejecting, rejected: to refuse to accept, submit to, believe, or make use of; to turn down or refuse to accept; to refuse to accept someone as a lover, spouse, or friend
Definition of fear: to be afraid of something or someone; to expect (usually bad or unpleasant) or worry about
In other words, when you fear rejection, you are afraid to the point of worrying about someone not wanting, needing, accepting or believing in you enough to offer you a job, support you as a friend/family member, or desire you as a lover/spouse.
Ouch!
To make it quite clear, this is a subject that I can give ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC advice, but I am somewhat lacking in BELIEVING and following the advice for myself. I think many people fit into that category, so I’m not going to berate myself about it.
Making Fear And Rejection Personal
I have been rejected in many ways, but the two that have been weighing me down are being laid off of my job as if my skills/talents/worth are as valuable as Bella‘s poop and having my love taken for granted and dismissed as invaluable as an old bald tire. That gave you a couple good visuals didn’t it?
The reason that those two rejections are the worst to me is because everything I base my life on is LOVE and HARD WORK/SUCCESS, so when they are not wanted and thrown back in my face, it tears my heart up.
The closer the relationship, the greater the pain of the rejection. So a family member, best friend, boyfriend or spouse rejecting me doesn’t just tear my heart up, it demolishes my heart. I have a very hard time coping with this kind of rejection because I put so much of myself into the relationship.
I have spent many, many hours in therapy trying to sort through the rejection I’ve experienced in close relationships. To be honest, it is going to take me a lifetime of constantly reminding myself that THEY are not perfect and that when they lash out or leave me, it isn’t because I’m a bad person. Every mean or cruel thing THEY say about me is not true. If THEY don’t want to be with me or in my presence, then I just need to find other people who will love me for who I am and what I have to offer in a relationship.
This next statement is something we all need to remember…
Just because ONE person finds you and your love undesirable, it doesn’t mean that you ARE undesirable. This is the essence of coping with rejection – recognizing that the rejection doesn’t define you as a human being.
Yes, I said that totally insightful statement.
Stop Loving Or Investing Yourself
Because rejection causes so much pain…Do you know how much pain you feel when being rejected? According to psychological research, people said that the emotional pain of rejection was as severe as the physical pain experienced during natural childbirth and cancer treatments. Who wants to feel that much emotional pain? Oh come on, you know that you just love, love, love to suffer! Right?
I do not like or cope well with emotional pain, therefore I have a fear of rejection that will cause this much pain to my emotion filled heart.
What is the easiest solution?
Maybe the easiest solution is to just stop loving and trying so hard to succeed. Do you think that is the answer?
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
To love is to be vulnerable.”~ C.S. Lewis ~
Okay, the answer isn’t to stop loving and working hard towards being successful.
Believing In A Happier Future
There are several truths about fear and rejection…
- You can’t make someone love, need or want you.
- You can’t make an employer keep you as an employee.
- Your self-worth should not be based on how other people feel about you.
- Your self-worth should not be based on how much money you have in the bank, possessions you own or power you have in your job.
- Fear will hold you back by clouding your thoughts and actions that will lead you to success.
- Your fear and the rejection you’ve suffered do not define you as a valuable person.
- Rejection from something good usually leads you to something better.
Oh really? Did you catch the last one?
“Rejection from something good usually leads you to something better.” ~ Sherry Riter ~
Through each rejection I’ve experienced, I have learned valuable information which made me better equipped for future opportunities.
Last night I watched Jim Carrey give a speech to graduates at Maharishi University. One of the most profound statements he made actually caused me to stop and stare for a moment.
“You can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.” ~ Jim Carrey ~
It is so true! If you are going to put your time and energy into succeeding at something you don’t really like, why not put all your time and energy into succeeding at something you love?! If you fail at doing what you love, you are no worse off than if you failed at something you didn’t really want!
“Your job is not to figure out how it’s going to happen for you, but to open the door in your head and when the door opens in real life, just walk through it. And don’t worry if you miss your cue because there’s always doors opening. They keep opening. Life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you.” ~ Jim Carrey ~
Stop being scared.
Stop fearing failure and rejection.
Stop thinking and worrying about the future so much that you allow fear and rejection to hold hands and double their emotional strength within you.
The best actions you can take are to believe in yourself and work to make your dreams come true. If you miss the mark a few times or a few hundred times, that’s okay because you will learn something with each missed mark. If someone isn’t thrilled to be with you and share a portion of your life, let them go and then find someone else who WILL be thrilled to be with you and share a portion of your life.
Life is an adventure of learning, growing, sharing and loving.
The Latest Story
I have been fighting with myself about several choices and directions for my life. With each choice, I have held back because of fear of failure or rejection. This week I have made decisions about many things and have started taking action on them. Some are too personal to share, but one of them is about being hired by a company again. It just hasn’t happened, so I’m changing direction on the job search. I’ll share more about that over the next month, but it should be an exciting adventure and one that will hopefully bring me much happiness.
I’ve also made decisions about some relationships in my life. My approach is totally different because I’m not going to allow other people to hurt me just because they have unresolved issues. I love the people in my life and will do anything for them, but I deserve kindness and respect. If they can’t provide that back to me, I have to accept that I can’t spend time with them or allow them to drag me down with their vicious words or actions. My brain is telling me that I am important and it is time for me to make my life centered around my own dreams, so that’s what I’m going to do.
It won’t be something I can do totally alone and I will need encouragement, but I sure am going to give it my best shot.
“There is nothing bigger than myself. My soul is not contained within the limits of my body. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.” ~ Jim Carrey ~
Wow!
LOL Wow? Does that mean it really helps you or you’re shocked or you just like it a lot? LOL
You are amazing……I know life is so hard and mom is on her knees night and day. I wish I could take all your pain. Just remember fear and faith cannot live together in one human being. Jesus loves you and hears every word and stands at the door. I love you my amazing daughter.
Well, I see you did read the post, so I really don’t understand your Facebook comment. 🙁
Thanks for praying for me. I totally appreciate it. Oh, and thanks for thinking I’m an amazing daughter! You’re an amazing mom! 🙂
Oooo Ms. Sherry How you have written much that touches everyone in some way…. Truly said from the heart…Sending you hugs I love reading your posts, You often make the light bulb in my head turn on and think…. Hmmmmm She has nailed that one…. Thank you for always posting I Love it and you…. you are so special and there are others that really need to let their light bulb turn on and see that….Wishing you a wonderful and blessed day 🙂
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Thank you so much Lisa! I’m so glad that my writing touches you and other people. It is the reason that I share so much of myself. I hope that it will lighten your burden and make everyone not feel so alone. {{{hugsss}}}
Sometimes we go down a path that leads to learning for us to take with us on our next journey in life. You are an amazing woman, smart, funny, and beautiful. All good things will come your way. I can just feel it. Sending lots of positive juju your way my dear friend. Hugs and love.
Thanks so much Lori! You’re so right about the journey of life. 🙂
Thank you for your sweet compliments and support! {{{hugsss}}}
Good post. I had an interesting thought as I read it (probably because I am working through a fresh relationship rejection of my own). Rejection is Feedback.
I’m reminded of the days attending weight watcher meetings. I worked hard all week, yet when I stepped on the scale and didn’t get the desired results I experienced a lot of emotions. One of those was feelings was REJECTION. My leader called it “Feedback.” Feedback means that I analyze what happened and apply changes to myself or I decide what I want or don’t want. Do I want positive results on the scale? Then I know what I must do!
In the case of a relationship, I can look at what happened and analyze whether I need to stop doing / start doing something to keep it from happening again or I can look at the situation and realize what I will or won’t allow, narrowing down the field in future relationships.
Like you, I have a harder time taking my own advice. But, I must say that after reading your post and stepping back to think of these scenarios as feedback, it does help. The odds are with us, though. Rejection is negative feedback. The opposite emotion is Acceptance or Success! Sometimes we have to see a lot of rejection before we can finally find success. Let’s hang in there!
“The odds are with us.” I sure hope that is true Kristi! I will try to keep remembering that “Rejection is feedback.” I think it will make the blows easier to cope with and move on with a positive attitude. Thanks for sharing!
Golly Sherry. Losing your job and your love in the same paragraph is incredibly painful. I would be decimated. You on the other hand have been able to categorize and analyze it wonderfully. You are some kitten. I admire you and I wish you the very best as you heal from the trauma, regain your balance and become even better than before.
Thank you Thomas for your sweet words. {{{hugsss}}}
Thank you for putting in words what I have been going through for quite a few years, my heart knows me, but my head tries to confuse me. 🙂 All I do know for certain, is I am a survivor and I am a good person. Appreciate your writings. God bless you.
You’re very welcome Vickie. {{{hugssss}}}
Loved your article Sherry, I also have fear of rejection… and being bipolar and borderline makes it worse. I hear ya!!! We’ve gotta let go of that fear and focus on our self worth!!! <3 🙂
You’re right Charlene…focus on our self-worth!!! {{{hugsss}}}
Sherry,
This is the most powerful blog I’ve read of yours to date. It was as though you were talking about me and my experiences rather than your own. I know that you and I are not alone having been frozen by fear and feeling the deep and burning pain from the damaging emotional torture of rejection. I have also made some decisions to break free of the fear that has kept me paralyzed. I have also made some decisions regarding the people in my life that “I” have allowed to steal my joy and happiness.
I am a sensitive person but it does “not” make me a weak person. The sensitivity allows me to love deeply, feel pain in others, and gives me the ability to freely hand out a compassionate word when I feel compelled. I have spent my life trying to make other people happy without a thought for myself.
I have battled fear and rejection for years. I have now been rejected in such an insidious way that it is time for me to disengage physically and emotionally until and “if” God compels me to return. The pain is particularly hurtful because it’s from my closest family members. I returned to therapy a few months ago. I have also sought out spiritual guidance. Just last week I was talking to God and asked why I feel like I’m walking down a path with enemies on both sides armed with bow & arrow freely shooting at me. All the while I’m attempting to dodge them but I’m wounded by the ones that hit me. “I did not choose this path”. The next day I had an experience with 3 people who in different ways encouraged and reminded me that God has never left me. God chose this path.
I will not spend another day trying to understand and discern the things other people do to me that I have no control over. For the very first time I am taking action on behalf of myself with God’s help and direction.
I feel your hurt, but having read your blogs for a long time now I know without a shadow of a doubt you are making a difference in the lives of others for the good, including mine. I do not think it was a coincidence that I read your blog this morning. YOU have many blessings coming your way Sherry! Embrace and enjoy them when they come…and they will. 🙂 ~Sandy xo
“I am a sensitive person but it does ‘not’ make me a weak person. The sensitivity allows me to love deeply, feel pain in others, and gives me the ability to freely hand out a compassionate word when I feel compelled.” That hit the nail on the head for me. People love it when they are on the receiving end of my love and compassion, but all the rest of the time they either take advantage of me because they know who I am or they condemn it as a weakness. There is no winning sometimes. In the end, I’m the one that is the most hurt.
Thank you so much for you comment, Sandy. I appreciate your experience, point of view and emotions. I’m going to keep on hanging on because giving up just isn’t an option and you do the same. 🙂
Life has not been kind to me or to you in many ways from one who suffers from PTSD to another, but my dad always says to me “chin up”. So Sherry now I’m saying it to you. You keep that “chin up” and light shining. You are doing such a mighty work I doubt you know the impact you are really making in the lives of others. xo
Thank you Sandy. Thank you. Sometimes I feel like my message is just getting lost. {{{hugsss}}}