The Web Of October Karma

October and I have a love-hate relationship. It began a long, long time ago in a world far away…

Actually, it wasn’t literally a different world, but so many years have passed that it feels like another lifetime.

Have you ever heard of the term “karma” and wondered what it meant? Below are some of the definitions of karma, but they all basically mean the same thing.

Definition of karma:

• Fate or destiny resulting from one’s previous action.
• The way in which you behaved in the past affects your present life, and the way in which you behave now will affect your future.
• The force created by a person’s actions that some people believe causes good or bad things to happen to that person.
• The belief that whatever you do comes back to you.
• The belief that all of your actions will have equal repercussions, affecting you.

Does Karma Exist?

I was talking to my mother today about how I feel that I have forgiven everyone of all perceived wrongs against me. There are several reasons that I have made this effort:

• I have done many things wrong and hope that I will also be forgiven.
• It takes too much energy to hold onto ill feelings.
• Not forgiving robs me of my peace.
• This too shall pass.

One of the things about forgiving someone according to my mother is that you let them start over as if “it” never happened especially with family members. I believe that concept to a degree and whether the person is “blood” or not is irrelevant. The point at which I draw the line is that I do not believe I am required to stick my neck out so that it can be chopped off again. Basically, I do not set myself up to be hurt over and over again. Mom didn’t believe that part because she said with family, you never give up. I believe that at some point to preserve my own emotional health, there is a point where I have to quit trying when equal actions are not reciprocated – even with family.

That conversation led us to karma. My dad is hopefully resting in peace and doesn’t mind when I use him as an example. I told Mom today that I try to only use people who have passed away for my examples because I’m sure they aren’t going to call me up the next day and be mad at me. I’m not sure she totally got the humor.

I love my Dad and think of him often with fondness. When I get in my car to drive home in the afternoons from work and no one is on the phone talking to me, I miss him like crazy. Those precious moments we shared every afternoon are priceless now. Driving home is often very lonely.

Dad is always my example of karma when I talk to my daughter. He had everything – my mother, my sister, a lovely home, a great job, a nice car, nice clothes, friends and me. In an October long ago he walked away from all of it for the grass that proved not to be greener on the other side of the fence. In retrospect, Dad also admitted that he “had it all and shouldn’t have ever left.” Hindsight is a hard view for all of us.

I always felt sorry for Dad because I knew how much he missed by not sharing a life with my mother, sister, his two grandchildren and me. As much as I tried to pretend to be unaffected by the loss of his presence while growing up, I really desperately missed and needed him. Unfortunately, Dad was selfish and karma was not kind to him even though he tried to undo many of the things he had done.

The Web Of October Karma

After I finished talking to Mom, I realized for the first time that this really isn’t my best month considering the things that have happened over the years during October:

• Dad left Mom.
• I met my first husband.
• Divorce papers were drawn for my first husband.
• I met my second husband.
• Divorce papers were drawn for my second husband.
• My Dad died.

Ugh. Do you know I never realized that all those events took place in October until today? Seems a bit crazy that all those major life events happened in the same month albeit in different years.

Where does karma play into this list of mine?

As much as I would like to say that the past is the past and has no bearing on my present, I can’t say that because the past does affect me now. Actually, karma affects everyone. Eventually the bad choices or mean things you do to other people will catch up with you and then you will suffer. It is just a fact of life.

You know there are other terms that mean the same thing as karma. Maybe you can relate to them better:

• As you sow, so shall you reap.
• You made your bed and now you’ll have to lie in it.
• What goes around comes around.
• Time to pay the piper.
• Face up to the music.
• Time to bite the bullet.
• Swallow the bitter pill.
• Take one’s medicine.

Without bearing my whole soul to the entire world, I can tell you that this month I am suffering some of the bad karma of my past choices. Because of these poor choices and naive beliefs, my life course has been dramatically affected. I can’t regain the years lost. Life is weighing heavy on my heart. I have been in a battle with myself with dialogue that goes something like this:

Me: Did you really waste that much time?
Me: It wasn’t a waste! I learned a lot during that experience!
Me: If you hadn’t made that choice, you wouldn’t be hurting right now.
Me: I don’t have a magic ball that tells me what choice is always right!
Me: You obviously are poor at making choices.
Me: I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time.
Me: Can’t you see things that obviously are not good for you?
Me: I can only control myself. I have no control of other people.
Me: You’re such a failure.
Me: Yes, I know. I mean, no I’m not!
Me: I wish you would shut up.
Me: I wish I could too.

As my heart has been breaking, I am trying to refocus on a couple VERY positive aspects of my life:

• My daughter is alive, healthy and loves me.
• My PTSD flashbacks are over.
• The PTSD does not control me all the time and is getting more manageable.
• My mother is still alive and loves me.
• Although my dad has passed away, I know he loved me with the best that he could.
• I’m alive and have another day to try and improve myself and my life.
• I will be happy…one way or another.

As I swallow the bitter pill and reap what I’ve sowed while facing the music and paying the piper, I’m determined to have peace. This bed of life that I’m laying in may be lonely and not how I thought it would turn out, but I’m glad to be me.

Seriously, I’m glad to be the nerdy, unselfish, compassionate, open, giving, intelligent, witty, loving, forgiving, somewhat naive redhead that refuses to let the hard times of life rob all my happiness.

This too shall pass. Yep, when October is over, I can enjoy the cold weather, flannel shirts and crackling fireplace in November.

“Everybody, sooner or later, sits down to a banquet of consequences.” ~ Robert Louis Stevenson ~