Definition time just in case you needed a reminder…
Soliloquy: an act of speaking one’s thoughts aloud when by oneself or regardless of any hearers.
Self-Talk: Intrapersonal communication is language use or thought internal to the communicator. It can be useful to envision intrapersonal communication occurring in the mind of the individual in a model which contains a sender, receiver, and feedback loop.
My Self-Talk Soliloquy
Am I home alone?
(I am walking through every room of my home to make sure that Alyssa isn’t here.)
Yep. No one can hear me except a dog and a turtle. I mean except Bella and Turtle. I know you both understand me, so I’m sorry that I didn’t use your names at first. That would be like you calling me “the human.”
(Both creatures are staring at me.)
I’m going to take those looks on your faces as understanding and forgiveness.
Should I write about secret 1 on my blog?
Should I write about secret 2 on my blog?
Hmmm…I’m not really sure what to do. It is MY blog and I have shared SO MUCH personal stuff already, so why not share these two things?
(While clasping my hands behind my head, I stretch out on the sofa and stare out the large window. The sky is vivid blue and puffy white clouds just hang in place. Bella jumps on top of my stomach and curls up, closes her eyes and starts taking a nap.)
I just can’t tell either secret yet because my emotions are so raw and since so many people I know and don’t know read my blog, I do not have anonymity. How can I be anonymous with my face plastered at the top of the page?!
(Rolling my eyes at myself.)
It will be really hard to hold back and not share my two secrets. Plus, I won’t get any input about what happened or the choices I am facing right now.
Life is so hard. Do people really realize how hard life is or are they sitting on a fairy tale ride called Bliss & Ignorance?
(Tears begin to roll down my face again.)
I do not want to cry anymore! If everyone knew how much I cried, they would find a way to buy stock in my tears. I can’t help it though because it is the best way to relieve my stress and sadness. Well, it isn’t the BEST way to relieve stress and sadness, but that really isn’t an option for me now. So many people would laugh if they heard me saying that right now. Yes, I often end up back at the same subject no matter where the conversation begins.
(A smile appears while tears still steadily stream down my face. Bella hears the familiar sniffle and immediately begins to lick my eyelids and face to remove all tears.)
Oh Bella! Do you really have to lick my face now?! I’ll wipe my tears this time. Go lay back down. I’m fine. Really, I’m fine. Okay, I’m not fine, but I will be fine.
Will I be fine?
What is the worst thing that can happen?
Okay, I can do this little game I play. The worst thing that can happen is that I die. If I’m dead, well, I’m dead and all these problems are irrelevant.
That just doesn’t seem to comfort me much today because I don’t want to be dead and I know this stuff isn’t going to kill me. It just feels like that right now.
How do I feel right now?
(Fresh tears begin to stream down my face.)
I’m hurt, scared, angry and tired. Yes, I’m tired. I have been fighting so many battles for so long and THIS MONTH I had just started to breathe. Actually, I started to feel a lightness in my soul and hope for the future.
Wait. Didn’t I write that we choose our attitude in the grip of our weaknesses?
Yes I did and now I am going to have to read it which will then lead to me kicking myself in the buns for not taking my own advice.
I have choices.
My life is changing and I determine where it goes, how I get there and who will share the journey with me.
(Getting off the couch and setting in the desk chair with Bella on my lap so that I can read that post.)
(Reading the post.)
Why did I have to write such a good post? I didn’t give myself an out.
That reminds me of what I wrote on my family Facebook account.
“Today I thought, ‘Why have I been a good person? What has it gotten me?’ I’ve never drank. Never smoked. Never did drugs. I’m nice to people who are mean to me. I’m nice to people who use me. I teach people things to make their life easier online and on the computer. I am helpful at work. I volunteer to always help people. It got me nowhere.
Tonight I feel sorry for myself.
I feel like I’m on God’s blacklist and all the good I’ve ever done means nothing. Nothing. Doing things right didn’t get me ahead AT ALL.”
What a whiner! Oh my goodness, that also makes me a hypocrite because I JUST wrote Life Lessons – The Consequences Of Right And Wrong where I answered the question, “With so many opportunities to experience unhappiness, why is the journey of life worth living?”
(Clicking the other link to read the post…very slowly.)
Now I feel guilty. I totally hit the nail on the head with that post. It is directly to the point and there is no escaping the message or rationalizing it. I need to just keep remembering that I am to “never, ever, ever, ever, ever give up on obtaining a happy life.”
(Picking Bella up off my lap and walking back towards the couch, I stretch back out on the couch to watch the beautiful sky again. Bella curls up again and begins to snooze.)
I need to take one hour at a time. Life is NOT fair and I know it. I will do the most I can in this hour. That’s all I can control and all that matters. Here. Now. Here and now is all I have to think about. How can I be sure that I will solve both of my secret problems?
(Closing my eyes and thinking hard.)
I have some really great characteristics that will ensure my success with one secret problem and will help me to cope successfully with the outcome of the other secret problem. What are those great characteristics I am claiming to possess?
- Intelligent
- Talented
- Loving
- Kind
- Organized
- Goal oriented
- Successfully navigated through many experiences
- Honest
- Loyal
- Diligent
- Unselfish
- Empathetic
- Dedicated
- Fun
- Work hard
- Determined
I guess every now and then it is necessary to pat myself on the back although it sure feels weird. Thank goodness no one can hear me. This list feels a little embarrassing. Maybe I should list my negative traits too.
(A little voice in my head says, “DON’T ruin a good moment! This is supposed to be making you feel better! Forget the negative traits today!”)
Alright! Alright! Sometimes that is such an aggravating voice in my head!
Well, I won’t mention the two secrets on my blog and then no one will wonder or know anything. I will just keep writing about everything else. I sure am glad I didn’t say anything about having a secret or everyone who reads my blog would be wondering about the secrets.
(Sighs.)
Now, what am I going to write about for my post tonight?
I’m really tired. I think I will just go to bed and skip writing tonight. I’m sure everyone will understand.
Awww Sherry. There is so much that I would like to say. I’m so sorry for your pain. I know! I understand! I have, in the past, mentioned that you are my kindred spirit. After reading this particular post, I have little doubt that it’s true. I will only say, let the tears flow. We are to learn from adversity and yes, you frequently show us, how wise you are. The world is not fair and those who believe it is, live in self imposed denial. We lie to ourselves, to make it all better. Until one day, it all comes to a head and then what? Some of us will continue to live the lie and some will opt for change. Neither is easy and both will bring tears. Each takes courage, but we know which has the higher probability of achieving inner peace. Your kindness, compassion and insight will guide you. Trust in the Lord with all your hear and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3 5:6
As for your secret 1 and 2. Although I have a sneaking suspicion what one of them might be, I’ll wait until you are ready to confide in us.
Sending you friendship and a big hug!
😀 Thank you Susanne! Courage. Yep. Keeping the courage and I’m determined to get through this “test” with flying colors! 😀
Yup, we understand. 🙂
Yep, I bet you do! 😉
I don’t know why mean people are treated like the good guys and nice people like the bad guys – just breaks my heart, then fires me up because I hate injustice. I don’t think our hearts are created to even be able to fathom that – we weren’t created for injustice – and maybe, you’ve given me a thought here – maybe that when we feel all out of sorts about it – it shows we’re still calibrated right – because when we stop caring that’s when maybe we’ve become somebody we don’t want to be!!!
BTW – got a dog – a golden retriever – I wanted a red – and she’s inbetween – not a lap dog! (LOL – who could have a lap poney) but she tries to keep me company in the kitchen (laying right in the middle of the traffic area, driving me nuts ringing the bell to go outside, discovering she can now pull all kinds of food off the counter- so glad she doesn’t have opposable thumbs), was born to eat paper – and adores a tummy rub! Like I needed another child! Sigh!
Wishing you a sweet surprise this week that lifts you up, fills your tummy in a good way (feel better soon) – and makes you smile out loud!
Maryleig
LOL Your dog sounds sweet as can be! Thanks for stopping by Maryleigh! It is always a pleasure hearing from you. {{{hugsss}}}
Bella is sooooo cute! Aaaand…………… I love you! Please take care of yourself. I feel your sadness, it’s not easy, I KNOW. Push girl! PUSH!!!
BTW I cry alot too. Get through a day, then a week. Then a month. The crying CAN get better!
? 🙂
Thank you Brenda!!!! {{{{hugssss}}}}}
It’s nice to know someone else that cries a lot!!! LOL 🙂