People make a huge mistake when communicating. Huge! HUGE!
After you understand that men and women communicate quite differently, intimate relationships are easier. If we learn, however, how to communicate like a dog, those same relationships grow even stronger.
But we don’t just make this HUGE communication mistake when we are talking to our significant other. With each ongoing relationship, it is important to learn the natural communication style of the listener. Once that is down pat, communication with anyone is easier and more effective.
There is still a HUGE communication problem.
The problem isn’t that we don’t know how to communicate properly that makes us fail at communicating. Brace yourself because I’m going to tell you the big problem.
We don’t communicate.
Yes, that was the earth-shattering revelation.
People half-heartedly listen to conversations or totally ignore each other. Often the woman is a set of non-stop blabbing lips speaker and the man is a brick wall listener. Communication isn’t happening. One won’t shut up and the other won’t listen.
Then what happens?
The silent treatment. Sleeping in the doghouse. Storming out of the house. Arguing. Screaming. Sleeping back to each other. Ignoring phone calls. Deleting texts.
In a less intimate relationship, the non-communicators stop every attempt at talking to each other. All phone calls go to voice mail. No lunch meetings. Job changes are made to get away from each other. Any semblance of a relationship dies.
Listening attentively is a skill, but it starts with a DESIRE to listen. Where there isn’t mutual respect, the desire to communicate doesn’t exist. In a marriage, lack of communication is like a dagger to the heart of the relationship. When sharing stops, the marriage ends. Maybe the people stay together because “something is better than nothing” and they settle, but the marriage as a true bond dies. Not many things are worse than a marriage ending. It is full of sadness and a loss of dreams. I know because I’ve been there.
I value a solid two way conversation and put it high on the list of important things in a relationship – any relationship. Let me tell you one personal story for you to ponder that illustrates the importance of valuing communication.
I will start by saying that I love my dad and miss him desperately since his death. I’m so glad that during the last seven years of his life we patched our relationship. All was forgiven and I cherished every second of his presence and voice coming over the phone line. I seriously can’t tell you how much I miss his phone calls. So bearing that in mind, I will share this story with you.
When I was young and my parents were married, Dad would get home from work at 5:00 p.m. every day. Like a good wife, my mother had dinner waiting on the table for him as soon as he walked in the door. My inner clock was programmed for him to come home at the same time each day and I would wait with anticipation for Dad to walk through the front door.
The key in the door would click and I would run as fast as possible to greet Dad as he walked into the house. I grabbed his leg with both arms and hugged him with all my might. Dad would walk into the house dragging me on his leg and never say a word. He never swooped me up in his arms. He never leaned down and kissed my face. He didn’t ruffle my red bouncy curls. Dad just kept walking and ignored my presence on his leg. When he sat down at the table, I obviously had to let go of my grip, but I had been completely ignored.
That experience along with a few others is why I feel communication, sincere communication, is vital in a relationship. Being ignored can crush a soul and lead to a lifelong journey of low self-esteem. For me, if my dad didn’t think I was worth acknowledging and listening to, my “brain” thought that I must not have much value.
There is a fine line between brick wall hearing and non-stop blabbing lips. Neither is right, but both can be corrected by simply having the desire to communicate.
Honestly, I can still feel the material of his pants leg on my cheek as I clutched him so tightly and begged in my heart for his attention. Obviously, now that I’m grown, I like to be greeted at the door wholeheartedly just the same as I wholeheartedly greet people who come through my door. Maybe that is why I’m such a hugger. Hmmm…I never thought of that aspect of my affections.
How important do you think communication is in a relationship? If you have brick wall hearing or blabbing lips, do you see the impact your behavior has on the relationships that you engage in each day? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
How important do I think communication is in a relationship? I can answer that in three words. It is everything! 🙂
Was that enough of a communication? LOL
Perhaps it wasn’t.
Alright, I’ll communicate more. It’s 5:13 A.M. and I haven’t been asleep yet.
What was I doing up all night?
Well, now you hit a brick wall! 🙂
You do the same thing as my mother!!!! Ya’ll have GOT to go to bed sooner. (This is the pot calling the kettle) LOL
No, I think you should expound on it. Let’s philosophize. LOL
🙂
Speaking about communication, your picture at the top of this post was priceless. They say a picture is worth a thousand words and in this case I think it is true! I have to hand it to you, Redhead Riter. It was extremely clever! 🙂
Thank you, Joan. I rather like the photo myself when I got it all finished. I think it really conveys a message with just the images! Thanks for noticing!
As a man, I have been guilty of the brick wall myself, to my kids and ex; not allowing them to help me heal from my own traumas and instead isolating myself. The surety of this knowledge about my own failings with those whom I really do love very much is a weight on my soul that sometimes seems to be overwheming, and tends to drive me into more isolation, adding more bricks to that wall around my spirit. I just wish sometimes, I had a time machine and could go back, change some things about my reaction and relationships. The best I can do is face my own failures and talk to others about it, and maybe serve as a warning to those who have never been through death of those close to them, serious illness within their family, and divorce.
And live for today, try to let go of those memories, aknowledge them, then close the door on them, and not allow them to darken both this day and any future I may have before me.
Behind those doors there be monsters…
Life is about ups and downs, good and bad, pain and happiness, etc. As long as we keep on progressing and pushing forward, I think that is all we can really ask of ourselves. It is not always easy to “live” and recognizing that fact can take the pressure off of feeling the need to be perfect.
Keep the monsters behind the doors.
It does seem so elementary. To be effective at anything requires the desire to be effective at that thing. In my own case, it was always a tradeoff – I’ll listen to you if you’ll reciprocate. The trouble, as you pointed out in general terms, and then specifically in your anecdote regarding your father, is of differing communication methods. I was never much of one to pay attention to a person’s body language, but I’m sure I missed plenty of pointed messages by not giving it more credence. Your Dad may have been communicating to you in his own way by NOT shaking you off his leg, or growling at you. :e may have felt that allowing you ti invade his space was certainly an act of love on his part. Come to think of it, becoming a hermit sounds like just so much easier on the psyche.
“Come to think of it, becoming a hermit sounds like just so much easier on the psyche.” LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL I laughed right out loud!
Dad had issues with affection and relationships. He just didn’t have all the same opportunities that I ended up having and had problems growing up. It was my loss and his loss. Sad, but I think it has helped me to be a better mother, daughter, friend, etc.
Thanks for your comment, Charlie.
Personally i believe communication is everything like joan said above. Yes people communicate differently at times. But as a whole we must try to understand what they are conveying to us. Some communicate with actions or body language others communicate with words. If we are to get along better and understand the ones we love around us we must ask ourself what is the best way to communicate with that person. I believe words and touch are the best way to communicate. I form this on the pre tense that deaf people read lips and blind people use touch or sonar <clicking of the tongue to bounce sound off objects. Yes people are shy, but if you are shy try using touch to convey what you are communicating. Please take this moment to better reflect on your own experiences with people. Lets as a Whole try and communicate better with the people around us and not prejudge their actions. Then we can all live happier more enriched lives . 🙂
“we must try to understand what they are conveying to us” Yes, that is really the clincher.
“what is the best way to communicate with that person” In a relationship, there are many ways to express love and we each have our “love language,” so for some it words, touch and others it may be service.
“not prejudge their actions” That’s a biggie!
Thanks for your comment!!!
Your post reminded me of a quote from the erudite George Bernard Shaw:
“The problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.”
There’s more truth than poetry in Shaw’s aphorism, sad to say… which is why true communication is a beautiful gift to be cherished. ..& sometimes the greatest communication of all is this:
{{{huggsss}}}
So true, so true and so true.
{{{{hugssss backatcha}}}}}
communication..is something that my husband and I work on regularly. It is so important. I am always trying to work on my mind reading skills too.I am often expected to know what he is thinkging. LOL thank you for sharing at the Thursday Favorite Things blog hop. Wishing you a beautiful day xo
LOL Katherine! Hopefully you can drop the mind reading necessity soon!
Yup… I suck at communicating but talk by butt off…. Thank you for sharing! 🙂 <3
LOLOLOL Very cute Ken!
When I talk my boyfriend stays silent. He rarely comments on anything I say. If I’m looking his way he’ll look at me and still stay silent. I feel stupid, like an idiot and worthless every time it happens which is multiple times every day. We’ve had arguments about it and he said he’ll work on it but so far hasn’t. I remember telling him about how sick I had been that night, that I woke up choking multiple times because it was painful to swallow and I nearly fainted in the bathroom and he never looked at me or said a word, in fact he might have been looking at his phone. After I finished, he started talking about something else. I was furious. If he had of told me he was sick, I would have been asking him how he feels, what does he need, how can I help to fix it. From him, I would have accepted, well I hope you feel better or sorry to hear that.
I comment on everything he says and when I try not to, I feel so weird like it’s foreign to ignore someone who is talking. I wonder why it’s so easy for him to ignore me.
He’s a really nice guy but I wonder if he doesn’t respect me or doesn’t think highly enough of me to acknowledge me.
I hope I can figure out a solution.
Hmmmm, that doesn’t sound very much like healthy communication. When I talk to someone, it is only normal to expect them to listen and respond! It almost sounds like he ignores you. I hate being ignored! If I wanted to be ignored, I would talk to the wall. Just saying.