While you were figuring out your eggness, I told you a little bit about Helen Keller. In light of that information, many of her well known quotes are even more meaningful to me.
Isn’t there something in the middle between daring adventure or nothing at all? Well, I have contemplated that question all day. I keep getting hung up on the fact that SO MANY MAJOR life events are happening to me at one time. Part of me thinks that it must be because I’m being punished and the other part believes that I’m simply not as good as everyone else so it is just my lot in life. Then I take a deep breath, tell myself that those are ridiculous conclusions. Instead, the reason must be that I’m weak, so I should just grit my teeth, grin and bear it.
The reality of my situation has really sunk in and it is wreaking havoc on my health because it is seriously just too stressful. What can I do to reduce my stress? I read 28 Ways To Be Calm And Peaceful – Holding It Together In The Midst Of Turmoil. I must admit, it is really wonderfully written and is very helpful.
Tonight Alyssa was with friends watching the Dallas Cowboys dominate in the 24-17 win over the New York Giants in the first football game of NFL season. Woohoo! Meanwhile I spent most of the evening relaxing and reflecting on my greatest blessing…Alyssa. My sweet daughter has continued to heal and in the process, she has blossomed into a beautiful, independent, motivated young woman. Hundreds of memories flooded my thoughts as Bella and I listened to inspiring music by Andrea Bocelli, Mercy Me and Owl City, ate dinner and watched the last few rays of sunshine disappear into darkness.
My life is not what I planned it to be nor what I wanted it to be in 2012. That’s disappointing, but I’m still alive, right? As long as my heart is still beating there are still opportunities ahead to experience. I don’t have any idea why my life has gone down this path. Maybe it is the only way that I would be prepared for something else that is going to be in my future. I really don’t know, but I’m focusing on right now.
I have a few things planned for the next couple months and the rest are getting marked off the list one by one albeit too slow according to those around me, but I don’t care about their opinion anymore. The pressure from other people is really tearing me apart, so coupled with the pressure I am experiencing within myself already, no wonder I am falling apart.
Let me say one other thing about this subject. The only reason I am sharing this at all is because I hope that it is helping other people. You are watching me suffer and I am telling you all about every bit of the pain. You hear me when I fall into an abyss and you share in my successes. You know my insecurities, hopes, dreams and weaknesses. You can tell that I bleed red blood and am one hundred percent a passionate woman.
It isn’t easy laying all my emotions out in the open to be dissected by other people. I know that at any time I have the power to just shut up and yet something keeps pushing me to write it all down. So day after day I sit down, open my soul and write. If there are two messages that you take from this post tonight, I hope that they would be to (1) Never give up and (2) I am trying with all my might to get over PTSD and make the right choices in my life.
In the words of the song by Frou Frou…
So let go
Jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
So let go
Jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
I’ve spent time reading my own blog and watching the breakdown of me and my life. If I pretend that I don’t know the person writing this blog, I find the journey and woman to be mesmerizing, heartbreaking, captivating, hopeful, real, passionate, compelling, loving, devoted and thoughtful. I want her to win this battle she is waging against one horrible experience after the next as they seem to fly in her face at every turn. Then I remember that I am the writer and it is my life. Have I really gone through all that stuff? Am I still pushing through the muck? Did I really live through all those heart-wrenching experiences?
Yes! As unbelievable as it seems, I am still surviving! If I live through all this stuff, I will surely be a force to be reckoned with.
I pray I don’t fail.
AWESOME….. I send you hugs today….. You have written well. I hope you have a wonderful day……
I enjoy so much your writtings… And as I mentioned before Helen Keller, she is was always my hero, you have become my new hero.
Lisa,
I am honored and humbled by your sweet comment. Thank you! {{{hugssss}}}
Fail??? Not you… you’ve won already 1000 times over & more… you continue winning, again & again, against all that can be thrown at you – against more than most could even imagine, let alone stand & face. To paraphrase Queen: You Are the Champion.
{{{{{{{huggsss}}}}}}}
Thank you, Skip. {{{hugssss}}}
Awww Sherri please hang in. I, too have been having a very rough time keeping it together. Recently, it’s come to the point where I cannot respond to your blogs, because I can’t put it out there for your readers to see. However, in this post you mirror my feeling, thoughts and fears. The tears are rolling down my cheeks. My “professionals” are suggesting some rather serious treatments, but that’s because they are “reacting” to my cries for assistance. They have added “experienced trauma” to my “list”. I’m teetering! One day I can do it and the next, please someone, just put me away somewhere “safe and quiet” forever. I would embrace middle ground. It’s been a life too extreme, so far. I’ve dared…I’ve lost. I would like the “back nine” of my life to be more “moderate.
There are days the tears never stop flowing, the sobs grow deeper and the questioning and assessment of my life completely take over. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to release myself from myself. I don’t know how to let go of the sadness. I don’t know how to let happiness into my heart and soul. I am afraid of the future, because of my past. I have no choice but to carry on, because well, it’s the only thing to do. Intellectually, I understand all of the concepts. The books have been read, the lists have been made and the professionals consuluted. Sometimes it’s a curse to be an intelligent individual…look what we’re doing to ourselves. If we were just average and humdrum, we wouldn’t batter ourselves, as we do. Gee there’s a plus…lol.
So, I open up to you, because maybe it will help you to know that you have touched my life. I don’t feel so alone in my erratic world. Maybe knowing this you won’t feel as if you are alone either. After feeling your thoughts today, I know you are my kindred spirit. You are not alone. You are brave for sharing your life with us. Most of all, you are human, with the capacity to dissect, analyze and take inventory of your life. This makes you a humble, compassionate and empathetic person. I’m not saying this is always a gift….lol, but it compelled you to start and continue this blog. Btw, I don’t like that term “blog” in your case. Our lows, make us better people, to others. Now we have to channel these qualities, in some way, to be kinder to ourselves. How? I don’t know. When I find out, I will surely share. I’m sorry this is so garbled, when you have so many very eloquent responders.
Sending big hugs and try to have a ducky day!
“I cannot respond to your blogs, because I can’t put it out there for your readers to see.” If you start your comment of with DON’T PUBLISH THIS, then I will read it and delete it. 🙂
“I don’t know how to release myself from myself… I am afraid of the future, because of my past.” We are kindred spirits!
“So, I open up to you, because maybe it will help you to know that you have touched my life.” I appreciate your honesty and it does help me not to feel alone. I know YOU know how I feel!
“I’m sorry this is so garbled, when you have so many very eloquent responders.” I never think your responses are garbled! (rolling eyes) I so totally connect with you and find them touching, inspiring, funny and full of care for me! {{{{HUGE HUGSSSSS}}}
I don’t even know where to start my comment in this very thought provoking and remarkable post, so I’ll start first with Helen Keller’s quote, “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature nor do the children of men, as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” Could this quote not be more true? And especially in the way it relates to women.
Many women learn at a very early age in their lives to play it safe, so that they can fend off anything really disastrous happening to them, and guess what? In 99.9% of the cases when we choose to play it safe life still backfires on us. Why? Because change is an inevitable part of life. It’s called growth. Nothing as long as it is alive remains stagnant. So, we might as well get over our fears, seize the opportunity and go for the daring adventure, because if we don’t go for the adventure, we will most likely end up feeling cheated at the end of our lives and saying, “I never really lived the life I envisioned for myself. I never accomplished the things that I thought I would accomplish in my life.”
Which brings me to the next point you wrote about, “My life is not what I planned it to be nor what I wanted it to be in 2012.” I ask you, “Whose life really did turn out the way they planned it to be?” Certainly not mine. And I think that if you asked the majority of people if their lives turned out the way they planned it to be they would answer in the same way.
You then went on to write, “That’s disappointing, but I’m still alive, right?” I agree, it is terribly disappointing when one’s life does not turn out the way they fantasized it would be, but, yes, the important thing is that we are still alive. And as long as we are alive there is still hope. It is only when we lose hope that we lose everything, because it is then that we give up even trying for whatever it is we want.
I liked that you rebounded with the positive, “As long as my heart is still beating there are still opportunities ahead to experience. I don’t have any idea why my life has gone down this path. Maybe it is the only way that I would be prepared for something else that is going to be in my future. I really don’t know, but I’m focusing on right now.”
You are so right to focus on the right now. That is all that we all have, the right now. And if we focus on the right now the future will take care of itself. As Eleanor Roosevelt said:
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery
Today is a gift,
that’s why it’s called the present.”
Redhead Riter, I do not have a crystal ball to look into your future. I don’t need a crystal ball to see what your future holds for you. Your future is shining bright! You are a born writer. Anyone who steadily reads your blog knows that you have one of the most well written and highly creative blogs on the Internet. Your writing and photography are stunning and your recipes are DELICIOUS! You have the ability to make your readers cry and make us laugh, but most importantly you have the ability to make us really care about you and what is happening in your life. That is why we keep coming back and reading more.
By exposing your vulnerabilities and writing about the trials and fragility of your own life so truthfully you become very real to us. I dare say that to those of us who are hooked on your blog, reading about your life has become our own daring adventure! Like reading a great book, we can experience your life without really having to experience it for ourselves and that is the sign of a great writer! 🙂
“Because change is an inevitable part of life. It’s called growth.” You left out, “and it is often painful.” Ugh.
“Whose life really did turn out the way they planned it to be?” I actually never really thought of that way.
“And as long as we are alive there is still hope.” Yes! And believe me, I am VERY MUCH ALIVE! LOL
“I liked that you rebounded with the positive” 🙂 Thank you ma’am!
“Redhead Riter, I do not have a crystal ball to look into your future.” Well, I wish you did!
“I dare say that to those of us who are hooked on your blog, reading about your life has become our own daring adventure! Like reading a great book, we can experience your life without really having to experience it for ourselves and that is the sign of a great writer!” Thank you, Joan. I really appreciate you saying that about my blog and me. I know that I try hard to excel and to make my blog a desirable place to visit. {{{BIG HUSSSS}}}
Hiya Red. 🙂
I have faith in you, that not only will you get through everything that is thrown your way, but that you will excel. Skip said it best..You are the champion. 🙂
Hugs from California,
Zany
Thank you Zany! So nice to hear from you again! {{{hugssssssssssssss}}}
Fail? Not you! I could bet my life’s savings that you will be a success beyond your wildest dreams. I believe in you. I just read Patrick B’s comment on your post called, “Sock It To Me Or Sock It Away” and think he has hit the nail on the head. He wrote, “The essence of your soul causes me to want to be a better person” and I couldn’t have said it better. You are an inspiration in all senses of the word! I’ve never known anyone who has faced so many struggles with such public honesty and you still thrive! No matter how many experiences are thrown in your path, you keep on climbing over them. You will never fail. I think you are a Super Woman with a pure heart. I read, “Marriage: And You Think That’s Real?” and you wrote, “He cherishes you like he would the Hope diamond because you are even more priceless than the gem.” You are as rare as the Hope Diamond. I’ll be second in line behind Patrick B to buy that book you write.
Totally off the subject of this post…Your hair is gorgeous – long, curly, flowing locks of golden red! Gorgeous and sexy! 😉
Allen,
I hadn’t gotten over the blush from Patrick’s comment and I’m definitely blushing from your SWEET comment too! Thank you very much!!!