Sometimes the last thing you want to do is to be involved in a discussion, so I’m going to help you with the Top 23 Ways To Avoid Any Discussion.
I must confess…I started writing this post while driving to work and have silently laughed about it all day because I can imagine how my prim and proper mother is going to react when she reads it.
So with my best announcer voice, here is the…
Top 23 Ways To Avoid Any Discussion
23 Act like you can’t hear anything that is being said.
22 Pick up a book or magazine and start reading it.
21 Whistle…especially a non-tune.
20 Start complimenting the other person and staring at each body part for a lo-o-o-o-ong time as you go on and on about it.
19 Pull out the cell phone camera and start taking pictures of everything in the room.
18 Breathe like you are about to give birth. You know, “heee heee heee hoooo hooo hooo.”
17 Hold up your hand and say, “Talk to the hand, not to the face.”
16 Turn your head and put your nose up in the air dramatically. Sniff. Keep sniffing like you smell something terrible and then look at the other person accusationally.
15 Stare blankly out the window like you’re in a catatonic state.
14 Tell the person to shut up.
13 Run to the bathroom screaming, “Montezuma’s revenge has hit me!”
12 Act obsessed with chewing gum and blow big bubbles. If they pop on your face, spend an excessive amount of time talking about how hard it is to remove popped bubbles. This topic works especially well if you have a beard or mustache.
11 Start talking about how much you want to have sex…right now.
10 Repeat everything the other person says to you. Repeat everything the other person says to you. Repeat everything the other person says to you.
9 Complain about all the aches and pains you feel in your aging body. Groan a lot while talking.
8 Leap up and start doing jumping jacks. Count out loud in a shouting voice. If you’re a woman, keep repeating, “I want to get buff like G.I. Jane!” and if you’re a man say, “I can be just like Rocky!”
7 Pretend that you only speak Spanish and say, “Yo no hablo Inglés” which means, “I do not speak English.”
6 Throw your head back and stare aimlessly at the ceiling.
5 Ask if the other person can hear the noise. You know, THAT noise. Don’t you hear it?
4 Scream, “O-o-o-o-oh! I think my appendix needs to be removed right now!!”
3 Grab your stomach with one hand and cover your mouth with the other as you say, “I think I’m going to barf.” Then make gagging, heaving noises.
2 Act like you see a bug flying around your head. Use your hands to flap at it in the air. Act frustrated that you can’t seem to kill it.
And now the best way to avoid any discussion…
1 Start picking your nose.
Well…it may be gross, but it will get you out of the discussion!
LOL!!! LOL!!! LOL!!! LOL!!! LOL!!!
Your poor mother!!!
I’m splitting a gut laughing! No. 12 especially! …& not to neglect No. 11!!!!! LOL!
😉
Glad you are laughing Skip! Yeah, your beard would be a royal mess if a big bubble popped in it!
Yup. I have enough trouble with pizza or corn on the cob – but I’ve got techniques for those. But bubblegum is purely a stumper. *chuckle*
I can’t even BEGIN to think about how you would get that much gum out of your beard, Skip! The only thing I know that really works is peanut butter, but your beard would be one wad of peanut butter by the time you were done. LOL LOL
lol!
Kathy,
I think I heard you laughing so hard that it became almost impossible to type. LOL
I really enjoyed this post. You ended with a doosie.
Stéfan,
Yep! Mom still hasn’t read it, so I’m just waiting for her reaction. LOL
Well , your mom has read of it and I did not even approve of even three fourths of them – especially the LAST ONE! lol
I think you can just scream what you want to say, then walk away with, “I am finished!” lol
Of course, you never let me do that because you followed me around until I gave in and let you have the last word. lol
What I do is sing.
My favorite one to sing is—-Be Thou Humble
Second—-I Go To The Garden Alone
Third—-Please Release Me, Let Me Go
Last of all, if the rest do not work—Your Cheating Heart!!
And this is the truth. Right now I mostly am singing the first one!! lol
Mom,
I would have paid money to see your face when you read the #1 way to avoid any discussion. 😉
I laughed all day yesterday and most of today thinking about my prim and proper mother reading that she could get out of a discussion by picking her nose. LMBO It still makes me totally laugh out loud!!!
Ha ha ha…picking the nose?? rolf…funny, funny. Glad to see your mom is cool with it young lady 😀
🙂 Andy, I’m sure my mother’s face was priceless when she read about picking the nose! LOL
Hilarious! Love it. Shared it all over. 😀
LOL Thank you, Rebecca!!!
David Letterman always has a Top 10 List on his show. And being that David Letterman and I are pals, (something I normally don’t talk about because I am not a name dropper), I sent Dave an e-mail thinking he might be interested in using your post on his show.
Here’s a copy of the e-mail I sent him:
Hi ya Dave,
Sorry I didn’t return your call last week, but things have been pretty hectic here in Hollywood. First of all, it looks like my screenplay is finally going to get made and guess who will be starring in it?! Ohhh, I wish I could tell you, but everything is very hush-hush because we don’t want to jinx it, but I’ll be sure to invite you to the premiere. But that’s not the reason I’m writing you. The Redhead Riter has written a very funny post called “Top 23 Ways To Avoid Any Discussion” – and I thought you might want to cut it down to the “Top 10 Ways To Avoid Any Discussion” and use it on your show. Read it. I’m sure that you will find it hysterical.
Your pal,
Joan
So, Dave sent me back an e-mail and I thought that you might be interested in what he said. Here it is:
Hi ya Joan,
I can’t use this on my show! The #1 top way to avoid any discussion will gross every one out! What I’m looking for is a list of the Top 10 African Proverbs. Do you happen to know someone who can come up with this list for me?
Your pal,
David Letterman
Well, I immediately e-mailed David Letterman back.
Hi ya Dave,
Yes, I just happen to know a man who can come up with a list of the Top 10 African Proverbs for your show. His name is Skip_D and he just happened to write a blog post that has African Proverbs in it. His website is called Enda Brukh and here is the link: http://endabrukh.wordpress.com/category/personal-history/. The blog post he wrote that contains the African Proverbs in it is called “As They Say… ” Here is the link: http://endabrukh.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/as-they-say/.
Your pal,
Joan
Well, would you believe that fifteen minutes had not even elapsed when I got another e-mail back from Dave. I know you’re dying to hear what he said. So here’s a copy of Dave’s e-mail:
Hi ya Joan,
Skip_D is an intellectual genius! Those African Proverbs are great! I must have him as a guest on my show. Does he have an agent my staff can call and book him?
Your pal,
David Letterman
I e-mailed David Letterman back immediately.
Hi ya Dave,
You’re in luck! Not only does Skip_D have an agent – but I’m his agent! And he would love to be on your show!
Your pal,
Joan
Redhead Riter, I started out with the best intentions. I wanted to get your post to David Letterman because I thought it would be great exposure for your website. So many people would come to your website after your list appeared on David Letterman’s show. Never in my wildest dreams did I dream that David Letterman was looking for the top 10 African Proverbs. But as Lennie Small said in John Steinbeck’s novella Of Mice and Men, “The best laid schemes of mice and men / often go awry.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Of_Mice_and_Men
Honestly, I wish that it was you that David Letterman wanted on his show, but it was not to be. 🙁 Please tell Skip_D that if he appears on the David Letterman show, becomes an overnight celebrity, and ends up writing a book which becomes a New York Times Best Seller that he owes me big time! 🙂
Joan,
I am ________________________________________________________.
(speechless)
By the way, Skip. If you appear on the show, you better plug my blog! 😉
LOL! LOL! LOL! Redhead Riter, I bet you cannot guess how long it took for me to write that comment! I broke my own record! 🙂
My guess is 2 1/2 hours!
Gross! Bad girl!!!!
Ha! Ha! Mom!
I’ll never tell! 🙂
Uh huh. That must mean I was awfully close!
Hey Joan (sorry Red, I know this is your blog, but it appears that Joan has now started racking up posts here, so I’d like to get in on this too.)! I read Skip’s post and left the first comment on it (just thought I’d throw that in there)! It was very good! But I especially liked his photo at the top of his blog. Did you like that too?
Red, I like how you wrote this post. It must have taken you some time to think them all up. I must admit, I came to it thinking it was how to avoid a discussion in your Redhead Riter Community. I was afraid you were avoiding joining the discussions there. Whew! Glad to know you weren’t talking about our wacky….uh, I mean…… witty community on The Blogfrog, where Joan is the Post Counter Diva, once AGAIN!
LOL Kat!!!
I love Skip’s blog!!!! It is so intelligent. You know what I mean?
Too funny that you thought I was talking about discussions in the community. That would be insane! LOL
Joan does have a way with inching herself into that Post Counter Diva role. You should give her a real run for the money!