You might have noticed that I missed a day of blogging on Sunday. Yes, a WHOLE day! Stop rolling your eyes. Missing a day of blogging is really a big deal to me. I’m dedicated – on the verge of being obsessed – with writing on my blog. My blog saved me.
Anyway, the reason why I didn’t publish a post on Sunday was because I was sleeping. No dreaming. No moving. It was just serious sleeping. The past few weeks have been totally exhausting mostly because I’ve been…Ummmm… I’ll tell you in a minute.
People – Normal People
Do you know that there are people – normal, educated, functioning adults – that don’t believe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD for short) is a reality. I assume that since they don’t “believe” in it, these people think that we make it up. I used “we” because I DO have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and I swear it isn’t something I concocted in order to look like a lame brain. There are so many symptoms with PTSD that I think it is impossible for anyone to be that great of an actor or actress twenty-four hours a day for over two years. Yeah, I was being specific. That is how long I have suffered and I mean SUFFERED with my PTSD.
You know, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is as real as arthritis, cancer and heart attacks. Just because I’m not gushing blood out my ears or have an arm severed and barely hanging by the skin at the shoulder, doesn’t mean that my PTSD isn’t as real or painful or EXHAUSTING as any other disease or physical ailment. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) may be “in my brain,” but it affects MY WHOLE DARN BODY. You try having your heart race for a year and a half like you just finished running a mile, then tell me Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) isn’t physical.
So my rather harsh statement today is that if you are one of those arrogant, pompous, ignorant-by-choice, judgmental people who think that PTSD isn’t REAL, then I hope some day…Hmmm…I hope some day giant frogs and locusts invade your home. Yeah, no matter how much these people anger and hurt me, I still can’t wish that they are ever afflicted with PTSD. Obviously, I’m a kind, thoughtful, loving and unselfish person. That’s called, “blowing my own horn” or maybe it is “tooting my own horn.” Whichever it is, you get the point. I’m a good person.
14 Reasons That You Should Read This Post
Having PTSD has taught me many things about life, myself, my family and people. Everything I learned surprised me because nothing turned out the way I thought it would and that often caused me even more problems on top of the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms.
So let me bestow (Don’t you love that word?) upon you why I think it is important for you to read this post about my PTSD rantings. I’m going to be really BLUNT.
- YOU may some day get Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), so you need to know about it AHEAD of time!
- If you ever have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), knowing the things I tell you about it will HELP you.
- Someone you LOVE may some day get Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), so you need to know about it AHEAD of time!
- Someone you LOVE may some day get Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and they will DESPERATELY NEED your help.
- People who have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are SUFFERING even though you can’t see the wounds. IT HURTS!
- There is NO SHAME in having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Would you feel ashamed if you got cancer? Do you feel ashamed when you get the flu? Okay. That’s my point. NO SHAME.
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) makes it impossible to be your NORMAL self.
- You can heal if you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
- It is IMPOSSIBLE to VOCALIZE your needs when you are in the thick of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You don’t have ANY IDEA what can help.
- People with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) need LOVE, ATTENTION and someone to step into their lives and just DO THINGS to help. Stuff like bringing them a meal, doing their laundry, driving them to the store, eating with them, listening to them on the phone even if they don’t say anything… Just help them and ACTIVELY be there for them!
- Your driving skills disappear when you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I used to drive as good as anyone who races in the Indianapolis 500. I did! While having continuous flashbacks, driving was impossible. Have you ever tried driving while a movie was playing between you and the windshield AND a thousand people were screaming in the car? No? Do you think it might be a little nerve racking? Uh…yeah.
- Just because the traumatic event is over and even if everything turned out “okay,” the person with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can’t just “snap out of it” or “get over it.” We aren’t stupid. We know that the trauma is over and we don’t want to be stuck with all the symptoms. We would “snap out of it” if it were possible.
- If a person with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) doesn’t have professional counseling, they will often either take drugs, drink lots of alcohol, kill themselves or any combination of the three. Just “praying” that you will get better isn’t going to cut it unless you’re Moses, John The Baptist or Jesus Christ. If Moses, John The Baptist or Jesus Christ are reading my blog, please tell me something good in the comments section below the post. I could use a Heavenly message.
- If a person with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) doesn’t have family or friends that rally around them, they will often either take drugs, drink lots of alcohol, kill themselves or any combination of the three.
In Conclusion
I didn’t get Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) because I did something like have unprotected sex with a gigolo, get drunk and lay in the gutter for three weeks, snort cocaine in the back alley or shoot the President of the United States between the eyes. My crime, which really wasn’t a crime at all, was that I LOVE my daughter and couldn’t bear the thought that she was dead. Even though she came back to life, the shock of those five days had a major affect on me – my soul, my brain and my body. Although she is alive and functioning, I CAN’T HELP that my brain hasn’t healed yet from a REAL trauma which has given me REAL Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Yeah, I kept saying Post Traumatic Stress Disorder instead of just using the acronym of PTSD because I want you to KNOW and UNDERSTAND and REMEMBER it.
By the way…I know you are looking at the picture and thinking, “Is that Bella?” No, that is just fur from Bella. I cut off a whole bunch of her fur. She needed a close summer cut. The pile of fur looks like Bella, but it isn’t Bella. So although I look totally FINE because I go to work each day, I’m not totally fine. I’m faking being fine and THAT is why I have been so exhausted. That is also why I needed to sleep all day Sunday. Yep, it was all because of my PTSD “fur” sure. See, I still have my nerdy humor.
Proudly Trying To Heal From PTSD,
The Redhead Riter
I find it amazing and a bit frightening that there are people who don’t believe – or want to believe – that PTSD is a real disorder. Of course, it’s well known how difficult it has been to convince the command structure in the military that PTSD is real in returning servicemen, so I guess it might be harder for an individual to get people to understand and accept it.
Thank you for being blunt. Even the most empathic of your friends can’t always catch on to how much you’re suffering. What we can do is be here for you, be understanding, be supportive as much as we are able, and be always caring. That’s what your friends are here for.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I am so thankful there are some few ppl like you that doesn’t mind speaking the truth no matter what. I suffered/sufffer from PTSD. I lost my sister when I was 29 years old. My best friend…….no really she was , we done everything together…..work……buy clothes and shared them! lol Spent lots of nighst with her , her daughter and my son. We could not have been any closer. I had just had a daughter and she was 3mo. when she died. I had moved away to a near by town. We were not as close as before , I did not live close enough to her and that always made me wonder….what if??? That was bad , really bad on my family. I tried so hard to hold it together for my mom and dad and did not let my pain out. Then at age 35 I lost my only brother, murder yes it was murder to look like a self inflicted death! Small town, sheriff dated ex-sis-law, no one would cooperate with investagators . So..the jury ruled to not go further with the investagation. Thank God I lived in another town but still only 20 min. from where all the pain had happened. I again tried so hard to hold it together………then it all came crashing down, it was terrible. I had one more sister left, thats it out of 4 kids me and her. She had been in prison for 10 years (whait collar crime, not that it matters) and had not talked to her for at least 12 yrs. I opened my arms, my home, my family to her and it was great…..really great, so close. BAM! She got a big big sum of money on a settlement for her husbands death and that was it. I lost another, not to death but to drugs and the world. Yet again it all came crashing down! OK so I have lots of physical pain from broken up legs due to auto accident to blowed out disc in back and neck. You would think that was enough pain but no………..I now have multiple Auto Immune disorders…………..yep, all stemed from tragic deaths , that is what caused the very first one, months after my first sister died and it has kept going from there. I am now 46 and have all these issues but survive very well because thats just what you have to do. Get out there and do the best you can. Thank God for my family, I have thrown myself into motherhood, now two teens and an adult son. Only I have now started freaking over my daughter graduating next year……….its true I have cried bucket fulls…….my son will follow the next year. It worries me what I will do then……….no more making them study cause that they will have to learn to do without me because in college it is different and they will not be here. No more saying you have to be home at 11pm no more no more no more no more………..it will be me and my husband. Thats it ………I will buy a moter cycle (three wheels) and a carrier for our bags and hit the open highway! I ACTUALLY CAN’T WAIT!
So sorry but wanted to give you and your readers a lil look into another person life who has/is sufferes from PTSD. It really was a long hard road to deal with and I still have my moments of downess and a lot of times would like to stay in bed and never ever give up! I seen things during those years that no person should have to see. I also had a car accident that left me torn up, in a wheelchair for a year , I could not walk and could not take care of anything. I got through that.that was the first and I knew if I could take the Docs. odds of not walking and maybe losing one leg then I could do anything! It took me years before I could ride in the car with anyone else driving. I have even sat in the floor board and cried I was so afraid of another car accident. Finally now I try and worry about something else when in the car with someone else driving. I still have my moments of panic! At the current time I take no meds for PTSD.
Vanessa,
Thank you for sharing your touching life story filled with heartache, pain and PTSD. My heart sincerely goes out to you. I hope that the rest of your life is filled with many happy experiences and that you have the capacity to completely enjoy them. I’m so glad that your husband and family has been there for you.
{{{{hugggsssss}}}} and hang in there!
Hi,
After reading everything you have survived all I can say is that you are one unstoppable warrior. I also have had multiple auto accidents, and have lost everything I worked so hard for. I’m 47 and I feel like I’m alone because I am suffering in silence. There is so much I want to vent about but there is no one in my circle I can share anything with. No one understands the triggers that pop up out of the blues. I would love to get in touch with you. I understand everything you feel and the reasons why you feel what you feel. I think we can be a good source of moral support to each other. I feel like I’m drowning and no one can
hear me. Please let me know if we can get in touch via e-mail or anyway you would feel comfortable with. I’m just at the end of my rope and truly would appreciate having a friend who has common ground with me.
With Gratitude,
Betty Frausto
Hi Betty,
I am sending you an email 😀
I’m so sorry that you are suffering. It CAN end, I promise you. {{{hugsss}}}
Read your letter suffering in silence no one understand some and when you talk to other people they just don’t understand why. Why u cannot other just goes over and over in your head every morning waking up with it.any way best I found is try to come up with something u love to do to keep you mind off it .best I can do wish I could take my own advise. Thanks for your letter that’s brave of u.
Hello,
Thank you for sharing your story. I have lost my grand parents, parents, and several other family members to cancer in the last 6 years. I was (and still am) a strong person, but the PTSD and depression set in slowly. In many ways I should have noticed the signs, but Instead i ran and ran and ran until eventually i couldn’t. I lost my fiancee and then went through several relationships that ended in me lashing out. My last gf had MS which just scared me. I became erratic and all I saw was her dying and relieving the loneliness and pain of losing someone I love. Maybe that is selfish, she even accused me I just did not want to be alone and went on to marry another man only two months after.
I feel cheated as much as by her as by this disease that has robbed me of my youth and now health. I want to take responsibility for my behavior. I do not want to use this as a cop out, but the symptoms are real, the pain is real and worst of all, the hopelessness is real.
Chris, I am so sorry that you are experiencing all that pain and the hopeless feeling. I KNOW the symptoms are very REAL and you are not copping out. Get therapy. Find a really good therapist that specializes in PTSD trauma and then WORK to regain your life. Worker harder than you’ve ever worked and I PROMISE that you WILL defeat it. Don’t give up. You can do this for yourself, your future and your happiness. You CAN feel happy again. {{{hugssss}}}
Thank you very much, Skip. Thank you for caring.
FYI I have a hard time not being blunt. LOL
I wish you well Red. Take the time to heal and care for yourself. Your devoted blog fans will always be here. We believe you and we believe in you. 🙂
{{{hugggssss}}} Thank you Stéfan. You are one of the sweetest men I know…well, kinda know. 😉
From one PTSD person to another! GO GET’M, and take care of YOU!
(pom poms held high over my head as I shake them) Goooooooooooooo Vanessa! 😉
I’m sending you a hug and my total support. I totally understand because it has so many symptoms and effects as my own condition. I’m glad you took the time to “shut down” for a day. In our world it is a necessity v a luxury. Take very good care of yourself and I am glad that you have the courage and fortitude to put PTSD out there. Mental health conditions are still too frequently ignored and come with a stigma. The world needs to open their other eye.
Thank you Susanne and AMEN! 🙂
I have a counselor that asked me if I was ptsd. I really didn’t know what it was but here I go at age 12 I was raped by a Vietnam veteran everyone says you mean molested. NO I mean RAPED he took me into the woods and put his unit in me,another kid seen it and instead of getting help started telling everyone that I was gay 41years later it’s still going on people that I have never met before telling others what sexual preference I am. Thank you very much for not letting me forget. My mom died of cancer dec. First of 1987 and I got blamed for taking all the money from her stopping payment of the house. My dad told me for years and years that I was worthless and would never amount to be anything. Most kids would’ve probably tried to prove him wrong but for some odd reason I tried to prove him right. Then I hurt myself at work trying to do the best job that I could do( my back) life has been a living hell every since. I got SAVED by Jesus Christ in late 2007 relief for a while. Then BACK TO HELL AGAIN now pastors and family’s saying that I must have done some terrible sin and that I am being punished. Don’t know if I want to accept diagnosed
Duane,
I am very sorry for all your unhappiness. I would encourage you to see a therapist that specializes in trauma/PTSD recovery. You don’t have recurring trauma because you have sinned. PTSD is an illness and just like any other illness, you need help to get well. There is no shame in going to a regular doctor for antibiotics or to a dentist to have your cavity fixed. It is the same with PTSD. There is no shame in having it and no shame in going to a therapist to find peace and healing. {{{hugsss}}}
I do believe this is a very real disorder and I feel for you in your having to deal with it. Thanks for providing ways loved ones can help because I think a lot of times, others just don’t know what to do or think it isn’t as bad as the person is making it seem. PTSD will affect many of our soldiers returning home and I’m very concerned that there isn’t enough resources and education to help them and their families. It affects all of us as a country in that respect and I’m hoping more will be put into getting awareness out there and treatment for those who suffer from it. Thanks for shedding light into what you are going through and I really hope the good days are more plentiful than the bad ones. Stay strong!
Kim,
There IS NOT enough resources for military or non-military people AND there isn’t enough awareness! PTSD is debilitating. A totally functioning, intelligent and active person can and often does become a completely opposite kind of person. It is not only important that the individual receives the help they need, but the rest of society needs to understand what is happening to the person. They are out of control because their mind is out of control. The PTSD sufferer knows that something is happening, but can’t express it adequately most of the time. That is why everyone else needs to be educated so that they can help.
Thank you for your encouragement!
I agree with everything that Skip and Stefan said. Furthermore, for someone to say that PTSD does not exist when it is listed as a medical condition is to show one’s ignorance and denial. And in spite of your PTSD, you still are one of the most gifted, talented and remarkable women I know! 🙂
I love you Joan. Thank you.
P.S. Now that you have given Bella a close summer cut, how about showing us a picture of how she looks? And, yes, I agree that in spite of your PTSD you still have your nerdy sense of humor! 🙂
Bella looks…NAKED. LOL
Hey Red – Of course PTSD is as REAL as other diseases….there is alot of stigma and shame and embarrassment around mental illness. Why isn’t there a huge walk for depression? What is the color of the depression ribbon? Oh – most ppl dont have answers for this….it is b/c of shame & stigma and old fashioned fear & ignorance abt the reality of mental illness. Most ppl with a mental illness diagnosis are functioning….they are NOT institutionalized…just liek most ppl with diabetes are not in the hospital….it is no different. Some day there WILL be a nationwide walk for mental health! You are an inspiration!
Thank you Kathy. I loved the way you said, “Of course PTSD is as REAL as other diseases.” 🙂
A deep felt thank you for having the tenacity to voice statements that are genuinely thought provoking. I feel you and know from personal experience how intense PTSD affects our self esteem along with our psyche….I am grateful to you for having the courage to shed light on this medical condition that even the most educated people lack knowledge about.
With Gratitude,
Betty
I’m so glad that you find it helpful because that is precisely why I am sharing the good, bad and ugly of my fight with PTSD. 😀
YAY! APPLAUSE!!! Thank you for your post! It was so refreshing to read your post on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is often a subject not discussed and is often times looked over or ignored. When most people think of this disorder, they have a preconceived notion that it only affects our military or other acts of war (like 9/11), which is untrue. [And God Bless our armed services and all that they and their families endure and the horror they witness, experience, etc. Is it any wonder they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?!] To say that would be like saying only smokers get cancer, and we all know that’s not true! Traumatic means it is traumatic for THAT particular individual (which could actually be anything). Yes, I have a Psych degree LOL.
During group therapy, I consistently remind my clients to stamp out the stigma associated with mental illness and other disorders or ailments related to the brain. I also remind them that the brain is an organ, just like the heart or lungs, and the brain can malfunction just as our hearts do. Do we laugh at someone with heart disease? No, I think not! Issues like this just Pee me off.
Have a stress free day
Michele
😀 “I also remind them that the brain is an organ, just like the heart or lungs, and the brain can malfunction just as our hearts do.” Thank you for your comments, Michele, and for being so exuberant! I was a bit “peed off” too. LOL
Dear Red, I understand…my late husband was a Viet Nam vet with PTSD and my dearest friend, who I met in group therapy fifteen years ago, has had a long struggle with it. I just finished reading “Until Tuesday,” it’s about an Iraq vet with PTSD and his assistance dog. It is an enlightening, heartwarming story and the author gives a lot of insight into what it’s like living with this disorder and what it takes to survive and thrive. “A moving tribute to the courage and perseverance of a man as well as the love and the devotion of a remarkable and unforgetable dog.” I hope you will read it and that you are as touched by it as I am.
Thanks for the suggested book, Carol. It does sound like a great read. I’m sorry about your husband and friend. It’s nice to know that your hubby no longer has to suffer with it. That’s a definitely positive about Heaven! LOL I’m sure there are others, but that one is top on my list!
{{{hugssss}}}
Hi again!
Please “Like” Dog Bless You on facebook. I just read about the Spirit of ’76 campaign, it is a social media challenge grant to provide 76 service dogs for veterans. For every 1000 facebook,Tumblr and Pinterest followers that Dog Bless You receives, a dog will be provided for a veteran struggling with debilitating pain and PTSD.
I just had to share it with you. I will try to send you the links I found but I’m not very computer savvy.
Just thinking about 76 people getting one of these dogs makes my day!
Thanks, Carol, for letting us know about this place on FB.
I am so thankful that i read this page and all of the comments. My husband of 20 years died suddenly a year ago, and i have had panic attacks and anxiety ever since. I take meds to help sleep and for the anxiety. I cant drive without being nervous, and I am not good around people anymore. All I wonder about every day is will this ever stop. I sure hope it will. These post have been most helpful to me…. Thanks to everyone
Christy,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Have you seen a therapist since his passing? Medication can help, but a therapist can heal the part of you that medication isn’t able to heal. I encourage you to find a therapist that specializes in trauma. I think they will be able to help you. My heart goes out to you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. {{{hugssss}}}
I have read everything I can find on PTSD yet nothing deals with the heart ache I feel when my fiancé tells me he does not want me and does not care anymore. I tell him I am not going anywhere, try to engage him in family activities as we have three children. I just do not want to make it worse than what it has already gotten. It seems that therapy is bringing out more trauma than there was before. And believe me I can handle what he throws at me I was just wondering if it was all normal for him to become so distant and not care about anything? I have told him that I am not going anywhere and that I know he loves me because I really do, there is no way that he doesn’t and I am positive of that. We have such a strong relationship foundation. I am looking for answers no one could give me but I still have to ask.
I can tell you how PTSD makes me feel and maybe it is the same way your fiancé feels.
Therapy does make PTSD worse while making it better. It is just the nature of the beast. You can’t have one without the other, so he needs to keep going to therapy.
Being distant and uncaring is unintentional, but PTSD is so overwhelming that I couldn’t feel anything except for pain. I know I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I eventually just wanted to die so that I could escape the pain which is still at times unbearable. PTSD is all-consuming. The pain is in every cell of my body and sometimes it screams out all at one time making it completely impossible to think and most especially feel anything other than pain.
I was unable to do many, many things for myself and still am. If someone doesn’t step in and just do them (which for the most part they didn’t and don’t), the tasks won’t get done. Even important things don’t get done even if there are huge consequences for not doing them. I don’t know why, but I was and still am COMPLETELY unable to ask anyone to help me. I can’t even pick up the phone to call anyone because when I’m in the moment of “needing,” I don’t have the thought that I need to call anyone. The connection between “needing someone” and “help being a phone call away” doesn’t click in my head still. There is also the fear of rejection playing in the background too. So if you can just DO things you know he needs done without waiting for him to ask, that might be a huge help for him. It would have been for me.
I wanted and desperately needed someone to just hold me. I needed a soft shoulder to cry on and one that didn’t have a time limit such as, “I can only be with you for ten minutes and then I have errands I need to run.”
He doesn’t intend to hurt your feelings, ignore you or appear uncaring, I’m sure.
PTSD scrambles your mind and repeatedly wounds your heart. Thoughts get lost between the thinking and doing. Feelings are super intense and often irrational. Existing is hard. Loud noises block some of the pain and yet they also make it worse. I thought I was going insane as do many other PTSD sufferers.
Don’t give up on him. If he loved you before he got PTSD, he still does, but he is HURTING mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. He needs your love now more than ever.
Does this help? Is there anything else you want to ask?
Hi I just did some random searches and stumbled across your blog, I would like to thank you on your honesty and bravery at bearing your soul on a such misunderstood illness. I have PTSD and have struggled since early childhood avoiding and withdrawing from my life’s extremely difficult emotional rollercoaster. I got diagnosed with severe complex PTSD around 10 mnth ago and therapy took me to the pits of despair, reliving a decade of weekly traumatic event, however I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and suicidal thought are at bay. I will always have PTSD and life will always be difficult due to this illness. PTSD is very real can make sufferers. Very ill physically and mentally. The info you have put on this blog is spot on. Good luck with yr struggles and blessings take care keep safe. 🙂 x
You’re welcome and thank you. Writing about my PTSD has been a big help in retaining my sanity. The good news is that PTSD doesn’t have to last forever. PTSD can be treated successfully! The symptoms may wax and wane, but eventually, it can all go away. Of course, it gets harder before it gets better, but don’t think you have to keep it forever! You can heal and not be plagued by PTSD for the rest of your life. Take one day at a time and don’t give up until you have abolished it from your life. {{{BIG hugsss}}}
Finally. A post I can share on Facebook with my friends & family in hopes of them understanding I’M NOT FAKING IT. I was abused as a child. I’m not intentionally being “lazy”, I just can’t help being depressed/reliving everything. I’m so sick of it being referred to as me simply “dwelling”.
Liza,
First let me say, your family and friends may never understand. I haven’t quite figured out why it is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard for the people closest to us to understand and believe that we are living in Hell. I have heard the “dwelling” thing far too many times along with, “It’s in the past.” Duh. I know it is in the past, but my brain doesn’t understand that concept. The experience feels very real and present.
Because I am “functioning” in a somewhat normal manner in “public,” it is hard for anyone to believe that I am suffering or have any symptoms at all. Then they complain that I’m tired all the time and want to be a hermit every night and weekend. Well, I want to be a hermit because faking normalcy is hard and takes way too much energy! Another duh moment for them. LOL
I’m writing a book about PTSD and I’m going to explain this experience clear enough for EVERYONE to understand the torment I have suffered. I also want people to know how PTSD robbed me.
Hang in there. It will get better. Make sure you seek therapy and if you don’t like the therapist, find another one! {{{{{BIG HUGSSSSSSSSSSSS}}}}
Thank you. 🙂
You’re very welcome. 🙂
You nailed it across the board with this article!!! Its so true its making me tear up. I’ve had my PTSD for going on 15+ years now and I’m only 25. I need to use a service dog. I can barely leave the house. People yell at me when I’m having an attack and expect a creature stuck in fight-or-flight mode to communicate back to them. The bombardment of questions people ask while in an attack are just awful to endure and bring on more panic for me because they are expecting something from me at that moment that I cant provide. I end up screaming “I DON’T KNOW!!”. and then everyone hates me even though I ask them when I’m calm not to yell at me or ask me a lot of questions because I cant process any of that while I’m having an attack. Don’t be anything other than super calm and nonjudgmental. But everyone forgets 🙁
Do you think they forget or they just want us to be someone we aren’t anymore? Or maybe it takes too much effort to give because we now live in the “me, me, me” generation?
I’m sorry that you have suffered so long. I hope that you find a really good therapist and make getting totally well your number one priority. It is the only way to rid yourself of the agony. No one else will make you number one, so you really need to do it for yourself. {{{hugssss}}}
is it possible to have PTSD without knowing the exact cause of it? I feel like I have all these things going on in my head all the time that make me afraid and distressed. I feel emotional all the time (going between on the verge of tears, to really productive, to extremely angry) but I don’t know what triggered this. Could it be something quite small? I don’t really know what is happening, and I feel like it may not be serious. I’m still functioning but sometimes it takes a long time to psych myself up to be able to get to a point where I feel I can leave the house or talk to people or ask a question. I probably should just ask the doctor but I can’t find a decent one that takes mental health seriously. Sorry to ask you I just found your blog very helpful 🙂
“Could it be something quite small?” and “It may not be serious” Something happened to you that triggered all the things that have built up inside of you. This is something that you may not have been aware of and so you just tried to keep on living – pushing down the pain, existing as usual. The problem is that you can’t do that anymore because it has become too much to bear.
You have to understand all the things that have happened in your past, why they happened, how it affected/affects you, and how to deal with it. You have to sort through your past, so that it can’t drag down your present and future.
PTSD does not have to be a life sentence. Look at it as a learning phase like going to school. You can either try to cheat your way through school and not learn much, thus not really progressing or you can buckle down to attain your degree. This journey is up to you because you lead it.
The things in your past may mentally look “small” and “not serious” to other people or you right now, but if they emotionally were “small” and “not serious” you wouldn’t have PTSD. To your inner self, the core of who you are, the issue(s) are overwhelming and extremely serious.
Find a good doctor who specializes in PTSD recovery. If he says you have PTSD, believe him/her. Being well again is a process of discovery. It is your new adventure to full mental, emotional and physical health. {{hugsss}}
Thankyou very much for responding, it feels good to know there are people like you out there willing to speak about it and help others 🙂
May the good days outweigh the bad!
You are most welcome! I’m here whenever you need to vent. {{{hugsss}}}
Wow I liked readding this I have ptsd it started when I was very small. I grew up being sexualy abused and when I started to heal around age 18 I meet my curent husband we have been together for 6 years he has physicaly and emotionaly abused me for the whole time we have 4childeren together when I was pregnant he raped me wail I was on bed rest needless to say my water broke a few min later a month and a half early. We are going through a divorce now and I am sure I have ptsd now but I am not seeing a profetional it is getting worse.but venting is nice I don’t have to see or talk to any of you I have said more on here then I have told my on family!
If you would like to talk/vent to me via email, just click the contact button and I will respond.
I’m very sorry for your unhappiness and your especially your PTSD. You need professional help or you will never heal from all the devastating pain that is locked inside. All your pain is slowly controlling every aspect of your life. You owe it to your soul to heal. Sending you {{{{SUPER BIG HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSS}}}} today. I don’t know if you pray or believe in God, but I do. I am going to pray for you today.
I am so glad I found a sight that is so honest. I know we all go thru some kind of trauma in our lives.
I have had my share. My mother died at 51 years of age from ovarian cancer…I left college to look after her. I never went back to college and chose to get married. After 7 years of marriage my husband left me for another woman. I eventually put my life back together and met a wonderful man. We were married for 20 years. One lovely spring day he had a massive heart attack in our back yard and he did not survive. It has now been 17 years since he died and for some reason everything that that has happened to me has come crashing done on me. I am 65 years old with no children and do not want to burden the family I have….every one thinks I am doing so well and the lies I tell them so they do not know how tired and worn out I am. I have tried everything known to man to try and feel peaceful and well….maybe I am trying too hard.
Worn out !!
{{{hugssss}}} Ann. Thank you. I’m so sorry for both of your losses.
Maybe you have PTSD? The trauma you have suffered could have definitely affected you enough to bring on PTSD. Have you seen a therapist that specializes in PTSD because a regular therapist just won’t cut it.
It’s hard to fake happiness especially to close family or friends. That alone will wear you out. I KNOW you don’t have to stay in the pain and that you can feel peace again. You just need the tools to help you get through it all.
I was diagnosed with PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder about 4 years ago. I also have severe panic dissorder, and social anxiety. I have all these problems because I was brutally raped and cut up with a knife, no physical scars though. I am getting a divorce after 13 years of marriage. Which has kicked my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Severe Panic disorder into overdrive. I have been having what they call PTSD dreams for almost a year. My husband was verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive for the last three years. Which, according to my Dr., made it worse. Last night I dreamed I killed myself, which is scary because sometimes I act out my dreams. But apparently over the course of the last couple of weeks I have done things like hack into FB and creating FB accounts without any memory of doing this whatsoever! This scares me. I do have family that cares. But the one person I need says he has been through enough with me and we are getting a divorce. I just wanted to thank you for sharing this.
Tonya, I am so sorry for your suffering and unhappiness. It sounds like you have been living in Hell. Killing yourself is not a good answer to all your pain. I know this for sure. You didn’t say if you were still going to therapy, but I hope you are because that is really the only way I know that you can heal PTSD. I am really sorry that your husband hasn’t been and isn’t there for you. It is so awful to have pain on top of a trauma. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. {{{hugssss}}}
I found this bc I am trying to figure out how to tell my son about my PTSD. Since I have been back from Iraq I stayed numb for a couple of years and then had a break down of course. My son has developed anxiety to the point we need to take him to the Dr. I’m getting treatment but the guilt is killing me. How do you explain this to your daughter? He is 9 and remembers me going to Iraq. My husband is still in the military so I don’t want him to freak out when my husband deploys. Thanks for the blog!
You’re welcome!
Have you thought about going to a therapist and telling your son that way? PTSD isn’t anything to be ashamed of and you can heal.
Did you read about what happened to my daughter? She knew that I couldn’t help what happened to me. Did she get angry? Yes. Did she still support me? For the most part, yes. There’s nothing like telling the whole truth. It really does set you free. The relationship I have with Alyssa has always been very open, so I didn’t have any problem telling her that my brain was MESSED UP. She was very compassionate.
{{{hugsss}}}
thank you so much for putting these feelings and truths out for people to see. You can run but you can’t hide from PTSD. I am a 68 great grandmother with severe PTSD,and just to meet me know one would ever guess. I have lost years of my life to this horrid condition. I walk always forward looking straight into the Lords eyes, Help is not easy to get(I have had great help)I have a wonderful husband&children. Mostly I keep to myself,it is easier this way. Thanks for your courage
You’re right. It is not easy and help is hard to find. Are you still in therapy? A good therapist CAN help you get through it so that the suffering ends.
Thank you. {{{{hugsss}}}}}
THANKS so much for this!!!! Like you, I happen to know that post traumatic stress is real because I’ve been suffering with it for 8 years! I have to admit, it really hadnt occurred to me that there were people who didn’t “believe” in PTSD because my particular struggle has been a little different. The peole I have dealt with do “believe”, they just minimize my trauma. They usually look at me as being a young, intelligent, sweet girl (since I’m only 23) that couldn’t possibly be suffering with the same ailment that attacks many war veterans! So frustrating to deal with ignorance!!! Just because I’m not trusting enough to tell everyone my whole life story and the trauma I’ve been through doesn’t make my pain any less! And even if i did trust you enough, i probably wouldnt be able to communicate even half the emotion/fear/stress/anxiety that I go through in an hour to you because you wouldn’t understand! So for those of you who might not “believe”, at least be kind. And for those who are suffering, hang in there !!!
Minimizing the trauma is just as bad as not believing it exists! 🙁 I know that ignorance is frustrating which is part of the reason why I constantly write about my PTSD experience. I hope it gets easier for you. {{{hugsss}}}
Thanks for sharing your info. I really appreciate your efforts and I am waiting for your next write ups thank
you once again.
You’re welcome! Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
I just wanted to say thank you for this article/blog. I have been dealing with this for 5 years now. I have had every thought imaginable run through my brain. Awhile back I hit a breaking point, I tried counseling and basically wasted my time or maybe I didn’t give it time as I felt they were watching the clock all the time. Anti-depressants have no affect on PTSD. A spouse that does not understand can cause more damage. Over the last few months WHEN I hit that breaking point, I focused on mentally blocking the incident and years before it completely from my mind as if I had no prior acknowledgement of life then. I was recently also diagnosed with adult/add and the Doctor put me on adderal. And I made it one month with complete focus on moving forward and moving past allowing what happened to keep affecting me, it was great. and then yesterday ,there was a trigger and I quickly realized I was not as mentally strong as I thought I was, needless to say I have to start completely over on gaining that motivation again, I have to again get that blocked from my brain. Amazing how when a trigger hits you how the exhaustion and feelings come back that you cannot control.
Stay Strong!!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I think sharing our experiences really does help us all not to feel so alone in this BATTLE for our lives and sanity.
Triggers are rather yucky. Here’s to both of us staying strong!
Thanks for saying it like it is. I just told my doctor last week that you have to tell the men and women coming back from the service the signs of PTSD so if they feel the why we have they can go for help right away.. In my case I was hit by a car as I stood in a parking lot. I did not hear it or see it coming just pow. Looking back now after dealing with PTSD I wish the doctor would have just told me the truth and not held back as to what I was going to have to deal with it would have not been so hard. I spent 8 or 9 months not knowing what was wrong with me and thinking all the time of the most stupid things that I can’t even explain. The last two years of my life have been a nightmare. When I was told I had PTSD I did not even know what it was I had to teach myself about it. If a doctor reads what I am saying hear please don’t hold back on telling people right off the bat that we will have days of total confusetion loss of time we will forget things we wanted to do we will be afraid of things for no reason. As far as anyone thinking that PTSD is fake all I can say to you is I hope you never get it and you get to just keep thinking it fake. You don’t want to ever have it. But if you ever do gett ready for your life to change.
Joe, I’m so sorry that you have been dealing with PTSD. I don’t understand why doctors don’t IMMEDIATELY tell you that the chances of having PTSD are high. THEN they should take the time to not only explain what PTSD is and some of the things that will happen, but give the name of a therapist that can FULLY explain it AND help.
Thank you for your comment. {{{hug}}}
Hello I’m not sure where or how to start. But first off my wife & I have ptsd. And we have been dealing with people that think we are able to be in control ALL of the time. More so our housing management now we are on the verge of being homeless with two children we live in government housing you. Just because my wife and I will have ONE yelling match a year. Now just to let you know about our marriage we have been married for almost 5years now and of that 5years we have had olny maybe 5hours apart from each other. We are glued at the hip. So we think having ONLY BIG BLOW UP A YEAR is pretty damn good for 2 people with ptsd & I have severe PTSD my wife’s ptsd and mild compared to mine. I’m just wanting to know if there any where I can go,look up,or even call to get help otherwise my wife and I will always be homeless. Now I would love to go to work like a NORMAL but I’m not able to and SSI NOR SSD is going to happen any time soon. So what a is my wife and I suppose. To do go live in the woods because people,especially can’t understand people with PTSD…. So if any one ANY ONE AT ALL can give us some information please do.
I noticed that I failed to mention that we are not call each other hurtful names nor being violent to one another. its more pointing fingers at what we did wrong or what we didn’t do right. Also our kids are not around when we do argue. We was told to take the argument to a park or some place else well to do that we would have to take the kids. Then the cops would get call & child protective services. All because we have ptsd and another thing we have no family nor friends to help us with anything just each other. Yes we are set up with councilors but other services keep giving us the run around. You know the more I talk about all this the more and more the woods sound great for us.. PEOPLE CAN STAY THE F..K OUT OF OUR LIVES….sincerely the PTSD Family…
I don’t think the woods are the answers. Give the counselors a chance to help you. {{{hugssss}}}
Jerry,
I’m sorry for the late response to your comment, but both of them were in my spam folder.
PTSD is a terrible thing and I’m so sorry that both you and your wife suffer. I hope that you did find somewhere to live and that you have gotten help from a therapist for your PTSD. It isn’t going way by itself, unfortunately. {{{hugssss}}}
I was assaulted when i tried to leave my husband. I finally got away with my son and a friends family took us in. During the trial, divorce, etc my heart died. I am now 100% pacemaker dependent. Stress will 100%physically hurt you if you don’t get help. I handled life and continued being a great mom and my own advocate in court etc but I never handled what was going on with me. I didnt have time, it just made me a less effective mom/person to dwell on it. About 2 years ago I moved out of the familys house and I really havent slept since. Its been 7 years since the assault, 5 years since my heart failed and I still cant sleep. Im hyper vigilant. Its terrible. I am so sorry for anyone else that has to deal with this.
Nicole, please seek help if you haven’t already. If the person doesn’t help you, dump them and find another therapist. Don’t stop until you find one that helps because YOU CAN live a normal life again. I am near the end of my long recovery. I have worked very hard for normalcy again and I am going to attain it. Please don’t give up. There is a good reason to have hope for recovery because IT IS POSSIBLE. {{{{hugssss}}}}
I know this is an older post, but I just came across it today, and wanted to go outside of my comfort zone and thank you for writing it. I was diagnosed with PTSD 7 years ago, and have since realized that, for me, this will be a lifelong struggle that I will probably never overcome… My older brother began physically, verbally and emotionally abusing me when I was young. The abuse was great enough for law enforcement to step in several times, yet my parents defended my brother and made ME leave as soon as I was old enough. So, at 18, I moved away in an attempt to seek safety… yet my parents told my brother where I lived. He broke in to my home, started a fire, and nearly cost me everything. To this day, he is nearly 40 years old and has not changed his habits. They continually tell me how great my brother is, how smart he is, as if they have no recollection of the dysfunctional past. And no matter what I do or say, they will never let me discuss my heartache with them. They feel that my PTSD is a lie, and that I’m making it up for attention. I’ve since distanced myself from my parents… however, 1 phone call or email from them is enough to set me off, and it takes an entire week for me to calm down, calm my pulse, stop my anxiety, and feel normal again.
I have worked SO hard in therapy for years, yet I still feel worthless, nervous, outcast, and guilty for not being a better daughter/sister. ARGH! Today I’m having one of my panic attacks, and took to Google in search of words that will help control my rage. Your blog has just saved my sanity, and I truly thank you for sharing your story. Your words have given me a comfort that I will sadly never feel from my own family. Thank you.
Kris,
Family doesn’t have to be blood and for you, it should be because it is toxic. I’m glad you have distanced yourself, but since you still can be so unwound by them tells me more therapy is needed in your future. Don’t stop until you completely kick PTSD out of your soul! I am SO SORRY for not only the suffering you’ve done with PTSD, but for the suffering that caused it. No one deserves that abuse. No one. You are not worthless. You ARE unique – one of a kind! Things that are one of a kind are always valuable because they are priceless!
You won’t ever be able to change your family. They are what they are. You can, however, learn to control yourself completely and CAN be over all the dysfunction. Their ignorance may be bliss for them, but you are seeking validation from people that can’t or won’t ever give it to you. Well guess what? You don’t need it! You are wonderful without their approval!!! Please go back to therapy, stay in therapy and even find a new therapist if you have to so that you can reach the realization and peace that you DO deserve. {{{MANY BIG HUGSSSSS}}}}}
Do you have any links or places to go for family members. My fiancée has PTSD and pushed all his
family away. My kids and i are the only only left and I’m scared I’m next. He has horrible trust
issues and comes up with crazy things that people are doing to him. Betraying him in some
way. I’ve been accused of cheating, my kids of looking at the Christmas presents
that are hidden. He makes up things he thinks are real to push people out his life. he believes that the people he loves are doing horrible things. He says its his PTSD.
Not sure what to do about it.
I’m very sorry that your fiancée has PTSD and is suffering. I don’t know where you live, but if you will Google, “the city, the state, psychologist, PTSD, special,” (without the commas) all the therapists who have specialized in helping people with PTSD will appear. For example, my search would look like this:
richmond va psychologist ptsd special
Let me know if there is anything I can do for you, but both of you could benefit with therapy. {{{hugssss}}}}
yea, PTSD is very real. very lonely I suffer from it and hope that you are on the road to recovery, as for me just begining. peace!!! Jake
Yes, I am very much on the road to recovery!!! You’re at the beginning? I have written about my whole journey and am still writing about it. Don’t give up. Remember that no matter what you feel or happens, don’t give up.
Hi,My name is Kim age just over 50 and early this year fell deeply in love with my partner we are soulmates complete each other but its been a very rocky road for us. He was diagnosed with compulsive disorder and tramatic stress disorder which he said was under control.
Unfortunately that was not case for things became very bad with him. Isolation flashbacks no sleep deep depression attempts suicide loss of tine. I did some research found that he was very sick due to symptons becoming worse plus so scary. After him having pyscotic episode with me present i saw the pain horrifying thing brain was doing. Halluncinations voices slide show flashbacks in and out of time harming himself. I did the hardest thing rang ambulance and police and he was admitted to pysc ward. He finally has been diagnose as having complex tramatic stress order and we have been told it will be long time before he can live normal life with huge adjustments. Work is out for him and even holding on to relationship is hard. I love my man so much and have seen pain he goes thru tears me apart. Even in hospital he struggles with our relationship and day to day things but there are days where i see glimpses of hope. I made a discion to walk away so he can just concentrate on himself and lifestyle that lays ahead for him. I love him so much i wanted what was best for him. To my surprise he has told me he needs me im his life and im the one who supports him. When he needs that time alone for first time in his life that destress time is just having me beside him to go camping or just lay on couch listening to music. Doctor says this is good sign that no longer does he isolate himself he wants me to be with him. I would not wish this disease on my worse enemy as im living and feeling my loves pain everyday i visit him.
I honestly do not know where we will end up im praying we will be together forever one day.
For me im holding on to each day being positive around him yet underneath im being torn apart and have no one to talk to who could understand what im going thru. Im sorry for such large lot of writing but could you tell me is there any support group as im only just holding on here. I live in Tasmania doesnt seem to be much help and this illness people do not understand that its so real and cruel. Cheers Kim
Kim, I’m so sorry for your struggles. {{{hugsss}}} I don’t know anywhere in Tasmania where you will find support groups, but there are online PTSD forums. Also, do you have psychologists available to you? They can help.
Thanks for replying to my letter. I didnt think there was any help in Tassie as there is only hand full that have complex PTSD. No i dont have pyschologist for myself but it could be what i need. Im not coping very well its getting harder for me even tho im positive around my partner i go home and have no idea what im doing. Im not sleeping or eating im so worried about my loved one tears me apart everytime i visit him which is nearly every day and when i need a break he doesnt think i love him because i missed a day. God i feel like im going out of my head just this past year so much bad things happened so talking to someone advising me on partners illness may help me as well as my partner. Thank you for your help i know the both of us will get thru this for im strong person strong enough for both of us xx
My pleasure. {{{hugssss}}}
Yes I know how exhausting PTSD can be to live with. I understand when she talks about people being ignorant and not understanding how it is emotional and physical problem. I’ve done a lot of research and from what I understand there is a game out there called Tetris which works with the I mind coordination.. I don’t know if it’s true that I understand its supposed to help for some reason. I suffer from complex PTSD and like you say I would not wish that on my worst enemy. I think he needs to be more knowledge and more therapist to do good cognitive therapy in regards to this circumstance. I think there’s a lot more people out there that have this condition then they know. my heart goes out to everyone who is starting to be aware and it’s starting to get help for this because I have been so many car accidents I am so lucky to be alive. I tried some hypnotherapy and that did not work it made it worse. I’m trying antidepressant right now and that’s not really helping too much but I believe cognitive therapy is the only way to go and real hardcore cognitive therapy can get you over PTSD. Unfortunately they’re not too many service out there that really really work with this condition and know what they’re really doing. At least I have been my experience. God bless you all and I wish that all of you find hope love and prosperity and to get rid of this condition
You’re right. There are not a lot of people out there that can really help with therapy. So many people JUST don’t understand. Even though help is hard to find, please don’t stop looking until you find someone who can really help you. Happiness is NOT unattainable. You CAN be happy again. I continue to heal. Sometimes it is 3 steps forward and 1 step back, but it is always ever moving forward. I will be cheering for you so keep looking and don’t give up!!! {{{hugssss}}}
I have seen doctors since I was 14 over my brothers death he was 19 he worked very hard in the union and fell to his death while working. I had to see my lifeless bloody brother and it freaks me out still today to the point I can’t breathe and every night I have had night terrors since his death, I’m now 27 and have severe night terrors still and it’s been so long but the thought of falling or dying is even more intense as my life goes on. I’m starting to think I have PTSD Please tell me your thoughts because I can’t even work without frightening thoughts of ” working to death ” because of my brother, I’m an only child and my parents were greatly effected my mom tried committing suicide several times with her meds when I was younger, still to this day she says she is ready to see Jamie, ” my brother” a sense of being not good enough to keep her alive runs through my head everyday..
Jody,
I’m sorry for the late response. As I’ve been cleaning out my spam, I found your comment in my spam folder.
It sounds like you have PTSD! I hope that you will go to a therapist for help in coping with this very tragic event in your life. {{{{hugssss}}}}
I needed help to cope with my partners illness c PTSD last few days his medication was changed they let him out psyc ward today for a appointment i was unable to take him as my mother was sick and i wanted to cancel but he insisted on going himself. He totally lost it locked himself in toilet block not able to breathe pulpitations etc i told him i would be there soon he texted me back saying a abusive word f..k you im going get rope and hang myself. By the time he got back to hospital he was in such a state. Now hes gone back into his deep isolation dark state pushing me away not wanting my support or love anymore. Nothing i say will change his mind now im walking away from my soulmate man i so deeply love. I cant handle this anymore the way he tears at my heart. Last week he wanted me in his life forever today he wants to be alone forever. Dont know how many times this has happened this time he was so more distant and cold. Ive lost the only man i ever truly loved thru this stupid crazy horrible illness its like losing someone thru death. I honestly dont think i will ever understand this sickness and how horrible it is for him but i can tell you its hell for the partner too. My life is an empty shell now for ive lost my partner and will carry the guilt of not being there for him today for i blame myself for him slipping back into darkness. Not only is his life filled with darkness mine has no light without him. God help people not have this illness
{{{{{hugsssss}}}}
It is a “stupid crazy horrible illness” to suffer and I know it is hard for everyone around the person. Maybe it would help if you also sought the help of a counselor just for your emotions. I’ll be wishing you both the best and that happiness won’t be elusive.
Since my intrusive memories are also considered “sins”,I feel that I feel so bad because I am being punished for them. My therapist tells me that this is part of PTSD, but I believe I won’t feel better until God has forgiven me, but He is not saying anything to me, so I feel that I will go to Hell if I die right now and I have trouble sleeping. What do you think?
Marilyn, I do not believe you are going to Hell and I’m sure God has forgiven you of all your sins already. God is not punishing you by making you suffer with PTSD, but I felt the same way when I was in the thick of it. Hang in there. {{{hugsss}}}
Having a disabling ptsd episode, lasting now for weeks. Can’t sleep, on guard, consumed by fears, immobilized. Wounded and broken, belly crawling, my booboo hurts, wonder when enough will really be enough. Are you still there redhead riter? Those who minimize or otherwise totally disregard my booboo because their booboos are more important just exacerbate my booboo further. And thank you, I certainly don’t wish this affliction on them, enough would have already been enough for most of these, for lack of a better way to emphasize, lightweights. Those who would have me pick up the slack, I got your back, yet refuse to acknowledge that I may be fragile. After all, I only have ptsd!
I’m so sorry you suffer. 🙁 Don’t give up working to rid yourself of this terrible affliction. You CAN do it!!!
Just got off the phone with my girl… we’ve known each other for years now… being best friends as I’ll ever know… but only a few weeks from now we’ve been actually together as a couple. She knew about what I had, but a couple hours ago we had a long talk about this issue.
I’ve had PTSD for about 20 years now (already more than half of my life)… I tried… really hard.. to explain how hard it was for me to get from a mass of flashbacks and panic to being a functioning person… I don’t know… she thinks it’s like depression… in that it must fade away with time…
I can’t make her understand that among the first things you get told in therapy is that THIS WILL NEVER GO AWAY… no matter how much therapy you get or how many pills you pop on a day. She just kept going on how it was still haunting me because I gave the event so much importance… how do I make her understand that I (or anyone suffering this) am not like this because “we subconciously want to be in that memory”? I don’t know how she can believe that I choose this everyday of my life…
It really hurted to hear that I’m not trying hard enough… really broke me…
Had to let it out… thanks for your article, a lot…
Tertis, thank you for your comment and you can vent here anytime.
“She just kept going on how it was still haunting me because I gave the event so much importance.” I do not understand WHY people think that about PTSD. No, we do NOT choose to keep on hurting! That just makes no sense! Like I would really want to suffer pain…no way. The trauma that started the PTSD is given so much importance because it WAS important in more ways that one. It also changed my brain chemistry when I got PTSD.
You said that you were told that your PTSD won’t ever go away. I was told the complete opposite. If we work hard at healing by going through all the steps necessary, then in time we can be PTSD free. My PTSD symptoms have DRAMATICALLY been reduced. I know that if I don’t stop therapy, then eventually it will be gone. I know it. The reason you are still haunted by your past is because your brain hasn’t been able to process all the emotions attached to the incident. You CAN make it go away! Don’t give up!!! Call around until you find a therapist that believes that PTSD can be completely obliterated from your life.
Have you tried to explain the event as well as the emotions during the event with your best friend? Show her all the raw pain that lurks in your soul, so that she can understand why you suffer so greatly. Maybe she would be willing to read about PTSD. I wish you luck with helping her understand you. {{{hugsss}}}
Hi I am trying a new treatment called Brainwave Optimization for PTSD it is a cure and I hope it works I have tried everything else maybe it can help you also.
I just read about Brainwave Optimization. It sounds similar to the same kind of affect you get with EMDR. Is it working for you?
Thank you for speaking up, i hope u dont mind if i do. Cause everyone else does. My PTSD was caused by a violent surgeon who threatened to put me through the wall during the operation three weeks after i stopped him from continuing to hit the pateint we were operating then on the thigh. …I am still unable to work. I thank God for my psychologist, and my husband who worked hard to understand my symptoms and pain. I gave up on anyone else. And they call us crazy
I also being tormented by the hospitals workers comp attorney. The hospital admitted fault!!!! I won the case three f’ing times. Confirmed the event happened, that he’s hit others including patient(s) , nurses….there were witnesses.
I was evaluated by five pysch, including psychiatrist ….all confirm the threatvto kill me for nothing caused PTSD
My psych and husband do not think I can work because of triggers , insomnia, hyperarousal re injure my brain.
I have to sit there and hear from their psychiatrist that he’s seen worse! Disgusting!!!!!
I especially find offense in the medical community and confusing trauma with anxiety disorder. And those “claiming” to know what and how to treat it. Meds do not treat symptoms of PTSD!!!!!! SSRIs damage the brain and impede treatment by turning off the synapses. We are not all depressed…but in severe fear and helplessness!!! We also have mild traumatic brain injury with cognitive and memory issues due to shearing forces and ischemia, especially since my event lasted hours…functional MRI has proven PTSD exists!!!!!!! this is only permanent in a small percentage, but forcing someone to re experience symptoms will aggravate it. Then there is dissociation….I have dissociative amnesia. The brain has to re process hours of miss processed contents before I can stop getting stuck in it….I forget that I get triggered… My husband recuses me.
No wonder, too, that our returning warriors are killing themselves ….we have now lost more lives to ignorance than to war itself!! The key is to help not only the brain, but the nerves thru out the body to release the “energy” of the trauma. PTSD is the “shut down” mechanism of the sympathetic nervous system . If one could carry out the fight or flight, Then the PTSD would not have happened. The amygdala of the primitive brain mediates this. It is stuck on, it needs to be turned off. No medication can do this. Mindfulness, meditation, yoga, re processing the event gets things done. The body must be ready to handle the “energy” first. The hidden dissociative amnesia…requires more time….that’s what neuroplasticity takes care
of along with the above skills. Only the medial, somatic prefrontal cortex can access the amygdala. That is why the above works. So no, you are not purposely holding on to it. So no, we don’t look sick…this isn’t an illness. This is a primitive mechanism of the brain ment to protect us and the animal kingdom…so your nervous system is protecting u from the event. ( Sorry if it costs money!!! Then learn how to act like non violent human being instead of a vicious non functioning animal)
I will also look into the brain optimization…but don’t forget the rest of the nervous system….the body itself has also stored the trauma. Yoga helps. Meditating helps and helps restore the brain’s cortex
Caterina,
Thank you for sharing and you can do so any time.
I’m so sorry about the events of your PTSD.
“I especially find offense in the medical community and confusing trauma with anxiety disorder.” Yes, unfortunately this is often true. So many psychologist are not qualified to diagnose or treat PTSD. It takes a lot of searching to find a good one.
“No wonder, too, that our returning warriors are killing themselves.” I totally understand why too.
“the body itself has also stored the trauma.” This is one aspect of PTSD that I believe people have a hard time understanding or even comprehending. I wish we could shake it off like animals do.
I hope that you will keep going to therapy to work on your trauma. You sound like a very intelligent and caring person who has a lot to offer the world. Keep fighting and be thankful that your husband is in your corner. Many people have to fight this war all alone. Between the two of you, I’m sure you will find peace.
{{{{huggggggs}}}}
Thank you,
I don’t know where to begin or how to fix this any longer. April 9th, 2009 I was in a terribly violent home invasion that changed my physical body and mind from hours of torture and harm. Since then I have lost my wife, my world as I knew it and I feel so alone. I went to a psy md and he diagnosed me with extreme ptsd. I tried therapy but couldn’t bear it as reliving it over and over again as we talked was not good for me. So like an immature man I have tried to move on and keep everything in and heal myself. The results have been devastating and I am just recently trying to pick up the pieces.
I came across your site and comments. Thank you for your heart felt love and words. I find some comfort here in knowing I am not the only on this earth that cant seem to heal this wound.
Take care,
Bing
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to suffer, Bruce. Get therapy. It helps albeit slowly. PTSD is a monster and it helps to have someone else helping to slay it. Hang in there. It can get better. {{{hugssss}}}
Last month my boyfriend of six years, was killed . Im haveing a really hard time dealing with it. He was killed trying to bet the train in our home town of Manteca CA . Johnny was my other half ! We often walked to the store to get a drink or snack , and on the sixth of July we went to get something from the store and on the way back the train bells started to ring and he said come on lets run . I said no cauce it was only a short train, he said to me Im going anyhow . I thought he had made it cause i seen him pass it yet it cliped him from the side and threw him twentyfive feet across the street. when the train passed i was looking for him because i didnt know he was hit . when i seen him lyeing across the street I ran to him he was so torn up . I was in shock im still in shock. i cant get it out of my head, i cant sleep or eat i feel my life is upside down.
I’m so sorry. That is so tragic. Maybe if you talk to a therapist they can help you with the pain of the loss. {{{hugssss}}}
I’m linking this post in my blog, and I’m going to write a post about this subject. Just thought you would want to know. I’m so appalled that there are people out there who don’t believe in PTSD.
Thank you. I’ll look forward to reading your post.
Most of this is interesting and informative, but I’m afraid I have to critique your conclusion. I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but as a fellow sufferer, it sounds to me like you’re saying that you’re an innocent victim, while the rest of us (or at least most of us) aren’t. I would venture to guess that most of us didn’t do anything to deserve this hell. Perhaps a slight rephrasing is in order. Just saying…
I think everyone that has PTSD is an innocent victim. None of us asked for it. However, the people that persecute us or pretend that it doesn’t exist are the people who need to change their attitude.
But that’s exactly the point. Those are the people to whom it needs to be explicitly explained that ALL OF US, not just yourself, are innocent victims. We all know what happened to put us here, they don’t.
I’m not sure I understand your complaint. I addressed the post to people who don’t have PTSD because they need to understand how we suffer. The only way they will ever understand is if we all talk about our pain and struggles. The only way they can ever help us is if they have compassion and at least some understanding of PTSD.
Our family suffered the loss of our son suddenly in 2006. We all suffer from ptsd and have tried several modes of therapy including emdr and brainspotting. Our surviving son who was very close to his brother has suffered so much and has began drinking to handle his pain which of course is causing more trauma to our family. Most days feel like hell on earth because we feel helpless. He always says he feels empty and cant feel anything anymore. He became a risk taker and has had many accidents. We are always on edge and worried something bad will happen to him.It has changed our family in a way that I cant describe. Its the most hopeless feeling and fear is an everyday feeling we all have. He went to a therapist twice for months and things only got worse.We spent hundreds of dollars and felt the therapist never came close to helping. I want to know why if these therapist state they specialize in trauma therapy why hasn’t anyone helped?
Lori, I’m so sorry for your loss.
Just as therapies differ, so do therapists. Each have their own niche within trauma. Some are skilled and helpful. Some are not so skilled and not helpful. If a therapist isn’t helping, quit that therapist. Find another one. Don’t stop searching for a therapist until you really connect and their method of therapy helps.
You already know that the drinking is just going to make everything worse. Most people with PTSD turn to drinking, drugs, suicide, ignoring or wallowing in misery. It is HARD to beat PTSD. One must be TOTALLY committed to being PTSD free in order to conquer the demon. Please don’t give up! Nothing can bring your son back to life, but he would want you to continue in happiness. Do everything humanly possible to regain your life and your families lives! Fight PTSD like a fire burning down your house because it is that violent and tragic!
{{{{hugssss}}}}
I suffer from PTSD as a result of discovering my husband’s twisted, multiple affairs. As you know, PTSD is extremely painful. Can I just say that if you are reading this and know that your friend is contemplating an affair, please urge him or her not to do it. There are all the obvious reasons, but it can also trigger this awful disease. It’s a lifechanger.
I’m so sorry K that you are suffering. Please seek a qualified trauma therapist. It will be well worth the time and money in order to release yourself from the pain. {{{hugsss}}}}
Thank you. I am 33, and just realizing that i have been suffering from PTSD since I was 12 years old, this makes me feel like I am not crazy and alone. I was sexually abused as a kid and went through a highly traumatic divorce. This numbness stayed until my daughter was born dead (she came back to life…so its ok), but it was a traumatic delivery, and my wife almost died. And i just do my best. I have been on ritalin for 1 week. a low dose. and it really helps. I had no clue what i was going through, and there are so many layers to my PTSD, but yeah, full blown, and just realizing it. Thanks for writing that.
-john
I’m so sorry John. Please get therapy. It WILL help! There is hope and you can get through this nightmare. I’m living proof that it can be done!!!
{{{{hugggssssss}}}}}
Thanks for writing. I know Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is real. I am hurting from it right now. I would love to be supportive of my sufferer. She is like my little sister. Unfortunately being loved is hard for her. She has pushed me away, cut contact for nearly 7 months now. And I am hurting and sometimes bitter. I would give anything for her but I am just not valuable to her evidently. I don’t know how to continue to care so much about somebody that refuses to acknowledge my existence. I know she is going through a time of big changes, moving, new job, leaving her only son behind for the first time….. But how can you be there for someone who just won’t let you? Who isolates you right out of their life? You say ptsd sufferers need people. WHATEVER. My sufferer pushes away the people who actually love her.
Pushing away people is what people with PTSD do. I don’t know why, but I did it too. In order to help them you have to force yourself into their space. If they are suffering badly, their mind is a BIG MESS and they really don’t know what they are doing. If you love her, don’t give up. Try harder.
By the way, for some reason your comment went into the spam and I just found it. Now that you have an approved comment, it shouldn’t happen again. Thanks so much for commenting. {{{hugsss}}}
Please people belive me ptsd is real i have a sever case and getting help is dam near impossible
With out the help of my wife.but because. I can not turn the switch off
Of what i saw and did and fell im losing my family. My wife has put up with my ptsd for so
Long hope is not there i dont think my story will change your life i just wanted people to know we
Fought a war because we were ready to step up eather mental or physically for our country to come home and lose everything we fought for so if you have ptsd get help now dont wait till no one wants to be near or losing the one you love like i am 82now all the way.
Nathan,
I appreciate your service to our country in order for all of us to remain a free nation. I’m so sorry that you have suffered with the nightmare of PTSD. {{{hugsss}}}
I was in the Third grade and while on the playground was being chased by one much older boy and when I got around the corner another jump kicked me in my chest and knocked me flat on my back. Needless to say at that point I was raped by the one boy who had chased me in front of everyone huddled around on the playground watching. Not really knowing what had happened other than completely mortified and physically hurt I sat on an outdoor bench in shock, I believe, the remainder of the day. I continued to sit there in a daze during the after school parks and recreations when my older neighbor girl sat next to me and asked if I were okay. I told her I was beaten up by these boys and one of them laid on me and hurt me really bad. She offered to walk me home and I told her I just wanted to sit a little while longer. I then realized it was getting late and I better start walking home. When I walked around the building on my usual route home the older boy and the other who kicked me earlier and his brother were there waiting for me and also had their younger brother, my age, holding him making him watch while all three of them brutally raped me. They then beat me repeatedly and I finally laid still hoping they would stop until everything went black. They apparently beat to a point with the intent to kill me so I couldn’t tell. My mother apparently started walking toward the school and the older girl stopped her and asked if I was better and told her what had happened earlier. She apparently came with my Mom to try to find me and they found me lying their nearly gone. I was in the hospital for several days. My parents sat me down and made it very clear that this was not a topic for conversation and that it did not happen. To this day my Mother will deny this happened. I have done fairly well dealing with this along with several other trauma’s over the years until recently I was under an unusual amount of pressure and stress at work. My boss just kept piling more and more on me and my employees to perform. The sales people we worked with every day were under similar pressures. The days were becoming 12-14 hours long along with working on Saturdays and then my boss email and texting me on Sundays. I was exhausted. I had this one large sales Manager keep me at the office until 9pm complaining profusely and the following day here he comes to my door at 6pm and I told him I was exhausted and could not stay. He placed his hands on my door frame and proceeded to stay there insisting he wanted to discuss an issue and I continued to repeat to him that I needed to go home as I was exhausted and he continued to persist. He was not angry but persistent. I kept asking he step away from door and he continued to persist and I basically panicked and yelled at him. At that point everything was foggy and blurry, I broke out into a sweat. He finally stepped back with his hands up and then walked away. I gathered my things together to get out of there and recall felling bad for yelling at him so I went over to him to assure him we would go over his concerns after some needed rest. He proceeded to start going into his concern and I stated I was leaving as he was not listening to me that I just need to rest and he stated “You talk all of the time” and I left. I got in my car and it really hit me and I went into a complete melt down. I called one of my managers and apparently got her voicemail, I don’t remember this part, I did have a call with her though and explained what had happened. This particular Manager was aware of PTSD and I explained how his holding my door frame triggered something that completely triggered this state of panic. This incident became an HR issue and this Manager played my voicemail apparently making comments of people being incompetent and that I let this man have it and that I probably will be fire it. Well guess what, I got fired. She failed to report the fact that she had knowledge of my PSTD and that I had discussed with her his embracing my door triggered an episode. She cost me my job and my reputation. I don’t know if I have an recourse as she failed to include a very important fact about my disability. HR did not give me the opportunity to explain my disability and it has taken me over two weeks to find some clarity to write this. I am finally starting to feel back to normal but have had multiple mini panic attacks. Each day gets better but now I am jobless and feel I have been done wrong,
Julie, I am so sorry for all of your pain. As you may know, I too am single and just recently became jobless. Find another job if you must and seek therapy. My wonderful therapist helped to heal me and ALLLLLLL the trauma inside of me. You can also have that healing and peace. {{{{hugssss}}}}
I lost my first daughter to SIDS 21 years ago. Such a horrific time in our lives. We have another daughter who is almost 20. I went thru a job loss last year and it triggered the day I found my baby not breathing. I’ve gone to therapy and am on medication. I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I am constantly thinking about the day she died. I’m having a hard time functioning. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.
Mary, I am so sorry for your loss. I’m glad that you are in therapy again because it will help you. One of the best pieces of advice that I received was to take one minute at a time. Get through this minute and don’t think about anything else. Try to stay focused on this minute and the task you are performing right now. When the next minute comes, you will cope with it, but don’t think about it until it gets here. Another thing that will help is to sleep as much as possible even if you have to use a sleep aid. While you are sleeping, your brain will help itself. Think about your brain like a computer. When you go to sleep, it will reboot and you need it to reboot often because the PTSD garbage stacks up quickly. I hope that helps a little. {{{{hugssss}}}}
Thanks so much for this article. I was violently raped at 24 and didn’t even acknowledge (to myself or anyone else) that it happened until I was 37. I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, panic disorder and generalized anxiety at 44 and that was a little more than a year ago. For me it is the battle that never seems to end. I can have a string of months that are good, I think I am out of the woods but then out of nowhere it reappears. In fact it is happening to me right now. I’ve been on and off medication and have seen therapists and psychiatrists but it just never seems to go away. I am at my wits end and try to keep it to myself because I don’ want to burden my family and friends with my problems. I am hoping it will eventually just disappear. Twenty-one years of this pain is just too much to bear. Anyway thanks for listening.
Ann Marie, until you TOTALLY heal the pain within you and learn how to deal with “life” as it is now, the PTSD symptoms will keep coming back. You CAN overcome PTSD, so don’t give up! Do whatever it takes to heal – new therapist, isolate, take a trip, tell your story over and over to any and everyone, write about it, scream, cry, meditate, read…Just don’t stop until it is gone. You have to focus on the PTSD just like you would if it was a broken arm. Everything needs to center around it so that you can heal. {{{hugsss}}}
I am too a suffer of ptsd. For many years now. It all started when I was a child. My father used to beat my mother. I do remember parts of it his drinking and nasty mouth. That ended. then my mum has a bf who likes to beat kids.. good kids. Mum stood by and did nothing. Then when that relationship ends my mum then gets witha guy who was sexually suggestive and also liked to flash himself to me and my sis. My child hood was more than screwed up which then leads me to my adult life.
I moved as far away as I could From all of my childhood memories. This leads me to my first abusive relationship.. I was in the thick of domestic violece repeatedly beaten used for his sexual gratification. This left me weak vulnerable. I finally had the courage to leave because of my daughter.Because I met a lovely man (so I thought) who mentally,emotionally also financially abused me.. I thought he was everything. Never violent. Never raised his voice.. so I believed all he said when he used to disappear I believe in my heart my ex had killed him.. of which he did make many threats. Since we had a child together I believed he would. But my ex was just as bad he had no respect and I was damaged and vulnerable so he was able to get away with the mental and emotional side. Because after all I was crazy.. this relationship ended. Then he had an argument with his so called friend.. this led to my rape at gunpoint in my home with my 2 children.. it was a long and drawn out attack that changed my life forever. My attacker is still today in prison after serving 6 years. He got given 5, to serve 5 on the sexual offenders register for life. Plus life on probation.. I now serve my own life sentence with ptsd.. major depression. And other anxiety disorders. This has been tough for me with many mental breakdowns. Nightmares. Flashbacks. I guess therapy has helped a little at least gave me knowledge. Insight. I still live in constant fear. I have been lucky with my children who all help me through each and every day. Unfortunately my personal relationships (well really with men) have suffered. I did meet someone who is an amazing man but unfortunately hr doesn’t understand ptsd.. he’s found it hard to cope. As have I with trust and intimacy.. I hope for the future that these emotional scars may heal a little. I’m still astounded by anyone who rubbish these devastating symptoms of ptsd.. I pray these people will never ever experience what us ptsd suffers endure on a daily basis.. I also pray for my self and every other sufferer that one day we will find lightat the end of our dark tunnels.. I hope we all find inner peace..
Shelley
Shelley, I’m so sorry for all you have suffered. You can have peace and you can abolish PTSD from your life. It is hard work and you have to remain determined to work through the pain of the therapy, but it can be done. You can live a flashback, nightmare free life filled with hope and a new vision of the future. I hope you find a really good therapist that can walk you through this process. {{{hugsss}}}
HI SHERRY I WANTED TO PERSONALLY THANK YOU FOR YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF PTSD THAT YOU’VE CHOOSEN TO SHARE I SEE SO MUCH OF HOW THINGS RELATE TO MY OWN LIFE AND MY PREVIOUS DIAGNOSES IT’S ALWAYS EASIER SAID THEN DONE WITH COPING ME PERSONALLY I’M UP I’M DOWN MY EMOTIONS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE ANGRY SAID CONFUSED LOST FEELING FULL EYES ONLY WELL AGAIN THANK YOU, YOU ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED.
You’re welcome, Shawn. I’m glad that it has helped you. {{{hugssss}}}
I too suffer from PTSD. I will spare you all the gory details suffice to say that the root began in a less than stellar childhood and of course perpetuated it’s way through my adult life, making my partner choices based on my childhood experiences.
I’ve been to therapy. I’ve done a lot of good work there, made a ton of progress.
Unfortunately, right out of the blue, someone’s bad temper or aggressive response to something – anything – even though it has nothing to do with me – will put me 10 steps back every single time. It is very frustrating. Does it ever end? or does it simply lie dormant…sometimes for months, years until the perfect circumstance arises to allow it to rear it’s ugly head once again?
It can end!!!!! I’m living proof!!! Read this: https://theredheadriter.com//2013/10/its-the-end-and-its-over-revealing-the-secrets/
I came across your blog while, yet again, researching Symptoms of PTSD. I find this refreshing and raw! So good. Thanks for sharing your heart. I for one, really get it. I’ve had 9 major traumas in my life! I have complex PTSD, and am disabled by it and Fibromyalgia, which is linked. I think you’re doing a very good thing here. Keep up the good work!
Thank you so much, Judith! I’m sorry that you also suffer from PTSD. {{{hugssss}}}
Thanks for your post! You seem to be at terms with everything.
I too have been told I have PTSD.
I just don’t feel worthy of that even though I really did think I was a stark raving lunatic that should of been put down just to spare people around me. That was a year and a half ago and I am sure I am not a lunatic but I also know that something is wrong all the time. I don’t drive, I feel safest at home and prefer to spend time away from my family but I live with my husband and 3 adult children two of which are still studing. So at night after dinner I go to my room and watch TV alone after being alone all day. I have one or two friends that talk to me and a my family are ok and don’t seem to treat me any different. I am cranky that most people avoid me even on FB. But maybe it is just me.
Seems to me that no matter how much I talk to my psychologist about feeling of guilt it just will not go away or to be rational when having a panic attact. Even though I am told you don’t die from them you cannot stop me thinking that at the time. It is s&$T. I don’t like what I do but I still do the same things. I do want to be part of my family but I am not. I would like to be organised but I am not. I would like to go to the shops without being afraid but I am. I would like to think people don’t know there is something wrong but I think they can tell. I would like to peg the washing out with out the wind so it won’t blow the sheet up and trigger a panic attack, I would like to travel in the car with another car or truck being to close or move out of the corner of my eye with out extreme fear or panic but I do. I would like to go to the movies with my kids but I don’t. I would love to sleep better but I don’t. I would love to remember ever thing that happens but I don’t. I loved my job so much but now I don’t. I loved people but now I don’t yet I am lonely. I am not me but I don’t know who I am or who I am ment to be. I am here but I am NOT. I what to change the past and not be scared of tomorrow. I would love to be in controll of everything again but I just carn’t. For the first time in my life I cannot control my thoughts and for the first time I cannot do what I want. For me this is the hardest to face. THE DAILY STRUGGLE of my life.
Some of my radical thoughts, maybe I am crazy.
Kate, you are not crazy and you are crazy. PTSD makes you crazy, but not so much in the conventional meaning of the word. You are traumatized and stuck in the pain of the trauma.
“I loved people, but now I don’t, yet I am lonely.” I have known that feeling. I had turned into some foreign person to myself because I couldn’t control my thoughts, emotions or anything else in my life.
It is very hard to find a therapist with the knowledge to help. There is no shame in changing therapists until you find one that CAN help you. It sounds to me like you are PAST the point where just talking will help. There has to be more than just talking. You need to learn how it all works, face ALL your fears, work through each fear individually, and cope with the pain. There are psychological tools that can help with all of these things. You can also try EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to desensitize you from the pain. Here’s a website that explains EMDR:
http://www.emdr.com/general-information/what-is-emdr.html
You’re not alone and please don’t give up trying to heal. You CAN be “normal” again. It will be a new normal, but you will be a better version of yourself with sooooo much more peace.
I have PTSD. I wasliving with PTSD for roughly 18 yeara before being diagnosed officially via the VA. S now I am a disabled veteran due to PTSD. When friends, family, strangers or whomever I tell about being a disabled veteran look at me and say things like….you look fine to me….you have been out of the military since forever….nothing is wrong with you …you arent disabled.
Then usually I just laugh and say….ya I know…just to end the conversation. Some I admit to having PTSD. Not one person believed PTSD was real. Every person thought I was scamming the government and that I am a joke.
Heather, members of my family STILL do not believe that PTSD is real. I’m a bit bitter and I guess my attitude is…You can’t force the blind to see or the ignorant to learn.
{{{hugssss}}} for you.
Thank you for this post. I have severe depression, anxiety and PTSD.
I have a friend, one I consider one of my best friends, who does not understand. I am on meds, but I am unable to work. Most days, I can’t bring myself to leave the bed. She says that I am “too smart and too creative to not get over it” She doesn’t understand how my condition has effected me; changed me.
As I write this, it has occurred to me that most of my family and friends do not understand.
Thanks for letting me vent..
Vent anytime you need to vent Candice. You are right…people who have not experienced PTSD do not understand and many of them are down right angry at you because there is not a big gashing wound they can see. So, you get no empathy, sympathy or any other kind of “mpathy”!!!! 😀 PTSD changed me and I venture to say it changes everyone. Just take one day at a time and give up trying to make family and friends understand. I quit trying a long time ago. I am who I am and that’s all I can be. They can either be in my life with me the way I am or they can stay away. It is up to them, but I will love them anyway. {{{hugssss}}}
My question is this.
i suffer from ptsd and there is no counceling availible in my rural region.
i have made the trip to the va 5 hour drive time. Has not been effective at all.
how far is too far for counceling? I have axiety and dont feel secure at all when i get out of my
home town. There is nothing else availible at all through the va that is closer and no civilian resources anywhere close that can help with my situation. Im getting swallowed whole.
Curt,
According to your IP address, you live close to Livermore, CA. I have looked up PTSD Trauma therapists in that region. Click this link and you will find them: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?&city=Livermore&state=CA&spec=19.
I hope that helps. If you are just visiting Livermore and live somewhere else, I am happy to help you find a therapist. Just let me know how I can help. {{{hugssss}}}
Im very very far from California.
I am in central Washington state.
Curt,
Here is a link to therapist in Washington. I hope you can find one that helps.
Therapists in Washington state
Loved your post.PTSD is a terrible life altering diagnosis. My contribution to what you may not know..allow 10 years for healing..it won’t be fast or easy. Relax about recovery and let the healing take its course
Thank you Rosemary! Ten years would have been waaaaay too long for me. I needed to be rid of that paralyzing mental illness! Here’s my post about the “end” of my PTSD: https://theredheadriter.com//2013/10/its-the-end-and-its-over-revealing-the-secrets/
Your story gives me hope. I do not suffer from PTSD, but my husband does. As a result I find my world spiralling into depression. I try to be supportive, but everything seems to spark accusations and rage from him. When I try to calm him all I get is “this is how I’m supposed to act, I have PTSD” and as a “judgemental human I take that as just an excuse for bad behavior. Which, of course, only makes matters worse. How do I be supportive when my own self-worth and sanity are being challenged at every turn? I love my husband, but don’t know how much I can take. I am a much weaker person than I had anticipated.
-Lisa
Lisa,
Since PTSD is different for everyone, I can only speak from my own experience and the experiences of others that I have read or talked to about it.
DON’T GIVE UP HOPE. Today is November 11, 2014 and it was almost 4.5 years ago that PTSD entered my life and 1 year 1 month ago that the nightmare of PTSD ended for me. There is hope for your husband. He can beat PTSD. He will have to work hard to make it go away, but he can do it.
I didn’t realize that my bad behavior was bad. All I knew was that I needed to survive this minute. My brain felt like someone had shook it up. I didn’t feel like I existed anymore. Everything was too much. Noise. Responsibility. Expectations. Guilt. Happiness. Depression. People. Phones. Everything was HUGE and OVERWHELMING.
His PTSD has nothing to do with your self-worth. His PTSD is his PTSD. If he had cancer would it be dragging down your self-worth? No, of course not. You are as sane as you have ever been. The problem is you do not understand what is happening in your husband’s mind and maybe you feel helpless. You’re not helpless! Believe me! You can help in so many ways.
First, I hope your husband is going to a great trauma/PTSD therapist. If not, he NEEDS to go to one AT LEAST once a week. You can make an appointment with the same therapist at a different time so that they can help you cope with his PTSD. They won’t share what he tells them, but because they know his history, they can better help you. Does that make sense?
Your husband is NOT the same man anymore. Nothing in his head works the same even though he probably desperately wants it to be the same. His coping skills are probably diminished. He doesn’t know how to tell you to help him. HE IS SICK.
These are some of the things that would have helped me:
1. Texting me throughout the day without the expectation of having me answer back.
2. Calling me without the expectation of having me say much. Just talk and talk about anything, but don’t be mad if I say nothing. Just hearing your voice would have been helpful, calming and would make me feel hopeful at normalcy someday.
3. Excuse my rudeness. I was oblivious that I was being rude.
4. Excuse my inability to care about the things I used to care about. My feelings are raw and way too numerous.
5. Excuse me when I get lost staring out a window, looking at a blank wall, or watching the television.
6. When I cry or scream at nothing, realize it has nothing to do with you.
7. Do as much of the normal things for me as possible – cook meals, change the sheets, dust the furniture, mow the lawn, wash laundry, vacuum, put gas in the car, answer the phone when it rings, pay the bills, feed the dog…Just do the everyday chores. I want to do them for myself, but they are overwhelming and confuse me.
8. When I lash out in angry words at you, it isn’t you I’m lashing out at…I’m begging for normalcy. I’m begging to be well. I don’t intend to lash out at you. I feel like I’ve gone crazy. I need something to make me feel alive like I used to be. It makes sense, but it doesn’t make sense.
9. Hold me often. Hug me often. Kiss me often. Touch me often. Physical contact gives me momentary peace. It calms my mind and emotions if only for a few minutes.
I hope I have helped you in some small way. He CAN be better again and with your help, he can heal a whole lot faster.
Sherry, I have to say thank you for writing about this! It really gives an insight to outsiders that don’t suffer themselves, but love someone who does, but doesn’t understand what all they go through. My husband is a 2 purple heart, bronze star, Army Veteran. About 2 years ago he was medically discharged with a disability rating of 80+%, and PTSD is a big portion of it. He’s a very hard headed, strong willed, modest man. He refuses to see the recognition for all he’s been through and done. He is currently a sheriff’s deputy, and is amazing at his job, is able to somehow not allow his job to be affected by PTSD during his work hours, but once he’s home, it seems to take over. Not in the sense that he breaks down, more quite the opposite. He shuts down emotionally, physically, and any other way possible. We have been through a couple therapy sessions early in our now 3.5 years of marriage to fix problems with other females, and I think that problem stopped, but since that all came out, he’s never been the same. I struggle with my own confidence due to the distance he has put between us. He’s ALWAYS exhausted, which causes our intimacy level to be almost non existent, and work is about all he ever has energy for anymore. He’s not even 30 years old, and almost refuses to admit, or see that anything is wrong on his end. He admits he should go visit the va, get in some medication, which he’s been on a few before and they really didn’t help, but that’s as far as it goes. He worries because a lot of medications do not help, and the ones he’s tried that do help, he can’t get them to prescribe, so I think he just gives up. I love this man with all my heart, but lack of affection, motivation, drive, all of it that is his home life, is getting so hard to deal with. I guess I’m just asking if he has any hope when it comes to medication, and if I have any hope of having the happy, loving, fun, exciting man I married back? I don’t know how to get him to see the doctor. He’s almost in denial that he has experienced anything that could be traumatic enough to need help. He’s been blown up 4 times, burned horribly, sit at, etc… Things some if us could never cope like he has with. I am at a loss, need some guidance in the right direction. I know very well he’s depressed, and suffering more than he will ever admit, but it’s causing a lot of the same emotion all the way around the house. I try to keep positive for his sake, but have had a lot of my own issues, as everyone has, and I’m getting to a point I can’t pretend anymore. Any advice would be very welcomed. Thank you!
Samantha, I just found this comment and I’m so sorry I haven’t answered it before now.
YES there is hope for him! Don’t let him give up! He needs therapy, really good therapy that focuses on PTSD by a therapist that specializes in PTSD and believes that you can be healed of the ravages it does to your brain and soul.
I wanted to take a minute to sincerely thank you. I am Marine combat veteran that was in the theater of war twice. At 19 and again at 22 years old of done and seen things that no one should have too. It took several years and I had a wonderful career as a psychiatric nurse but things began to change. Over approximately a 3 month period I developed a severe headache that wouldnt go away. I started withdrawing and that is not me. The nightmares, flashbacks and crying spells then came. I was diagnosed in spring of 2012. I remember just sitting in my big house alone. I sat in my recliner or layed in bed but barely slept. I never turned on the TV or any music or lights. I just stared at the wall or ceiling, remembered and sobbed for hours. July 6, 2012 I decided it was more than I could bare. I sat on the bench in my shower and placed my 9mm against my heart and began to squeeze the trigger with my left thumb, tears streaming down my face because I love my God and I was leaving 3 precious children behind. My wife left me when I was diagnosed and I had 50% placement. Thats how intense the pain was. I was waiting to feel the impact but it misfired. This is all Im going to say but a life changing event followed and I sought out private and VA help. I also took advantage of self help classes given by the Va and do research on my own. My mother and stepdad are a huge support but unfortunately my dad and 3 brothers, whom I was always very close to, stopped associating with me but are very close to my ex wife. I am happiest when Im helping others. I have such an appreciation for life and Im teaching my kids that no one is better than anyone else. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I could add all of my symptoms because I had so many and for a period of time, my whole treatment team would conference call once a week. They said I was on of the most complex cases they had ever seen. One of the weirdest symptoms I had would occur while I was driving. As I was driving, it always came from my left. It was like a very large object was coming from a little behind me so I caught it in my peripheral vision but it was coming fast and going to hit me and would always cause a startle reflex of me instntly ducking down to the passenger side. It happened quite often then just stopped. Probably about a year now, Thank you so much
Hi, your story about your suffering was really heartfelt and i can sort of relate.
when i was born i was born with various medical conditions main one being
vater syndrome you would be better looking on google about it.
i had heart condition which led to open heart surgery at the age of 3.
i was born what they call a blue baby and had a stroke at birth and sadly they lost me but
brought me back god bless!, i had various operations and reconstructive surgery’s
i then needed a colostomy stoma bag at 15yrs old now im 26 and wouldn’t change it for the world.
i needed more tests and minor operations after. At the age of 25 i unfortunately started suffering
with renal failure had test for 2 years before it came to my transplant that i was extremely fortunate
to have an amazing supportive fiance who donated his to me. When it came to the transplant day we unfortunately hit obstacles my partners surgery lasted longer than planned, when they took me down i was in panic over my partner and was crying in worry, i was put to sleep woke up 2 days later in intensive care hooked up to machines and a breathing tube and a special head cover with oxygen in it. When i woke my family was at my side crying in relief. Was told they had lost me on the operating table i had gone into a cardiac arrest due to them putting too much fluid in my body which flooded my lungs i had no recollection of it i just wanted my partner i wanted to know he was okay and for him to know i loved him so much. He was in a bad panic as they wasn’t allowed to tell him anything that was going on he just saw my family running in panic at midnight and he was crushed and rang his mum to come straight away as he knew he may have lost me. Im getting teary as im writing this. People that wasn’t there thought i had passed away but they had put me in a self induced coma for 2 days, i was sooo happy, relieved and thankful to see my family and most importantly my amazing fiance. I have been through alot in 26 years and i am a care assistant giving back well trying its a hard job for me but very worthwhile. Me and my partner have had a tough 3 years with me and my illnesses and hard times but were stronger in our relationship. I sadly got PTSD post traumatic stress disorder and still have very tough and down days, night terrors and spaced out and flash backs of all my traumas. Its hard but im sooo blessed to be given a 3rd chance in life. Thank you for making me feel i could talk to you all about my treaumas and feelings it is a nice relief thank you x Dominique proctor x
I suffer from PTSD because of people in my family who I love and strangers physically hurting me. My adult daughter has never physically hurt me, but she is a lyer and she treats me with disrespect. She has recently wanted to move back home, and I can’t let her because I am literally so afraid. Logically I don’t think she would hurt me, but she has emotionally hurt me so many times and my family who has hurt me, I never thought they would hurt me, so I’m just really afraid that she will too. I do not trust her at all. People are saying I’m a bad person and that I’m not a Christian because I wont/can’t let her live with me. Because she is my daughter, even though she is an adult, that it is my responsibility to let her move back into my home. I feel so horrible, and I wish I could just make these feelings go away. I have been crying daily. I am sorry for all people who suffer from this, I wish others would be more understanding. God bless you and thank you for listening, I feel very alone.
hi and thanks for your post. I have been surfing today trying to find a reason for my dr. not believing in me or my symptoms. something at work fell on my head. I have several symptoms, and they change here and there. some good days, some bad days. I have been a crazy lady for a while now. got hurt about 30 days ago. was told by e.r. dr. that it is post concussion syndrome, similar to ptsd, but not as bad. my dr. fired me yesterday, and thinks I am faking just to get some free money and also thinks my condition was already there. (guess I have been crazy for a long time now) haha. I am not glad that you are going through this , but I am glad I am not the only one. would love to hear from other people who are going through this. I live alone, and function on my own which makes you depressed and full of axiety. others really don’t understand what its like to go through this alone. they offer to help, but no one shows up to help. so they just don’t want to be bothered with. but, would love to hear from others with similar condition. thanks
Thankfully, Sheryl, I do not have PTSD anymore and I have definitely been healed from the Hell it inflicted on my body, mind, emotions and soul. If you read through all the PTSD posts, you would see the journey I traveled.
There are 69 posts tagged “PTSD” on my blog. If you click here https://theredheadriter.com//category/ptsd-self-development/ , scroll to the bottom, click 69 and then read all the way to page 1, you would see how I was healed.
{{{hugsss}}}
Hi, I really enjoyed reading this. I’m diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, and basically situational depression. I have a child with extreme behavior problems, and the most recent occurrence was feb 18, 2015. He came at me with a butcher knife. He is 11. I was raised in foster care, a throw away child, and I can’t imagine a normal life for myself, but I have always tried my very best to give him one. I can’t look at my house because it’s a mess, I hate going out in public, and some days all I want to do is sleep. Worst of all I have a new job, and I love it, but I suddenly feel like I don’t want to go to work. I do drive, but often feel like I’m on auto pilot and have gone off the side of the road a few times, but I find contemporary Christian music and talking to my younger son help me concentrate in the car. I feel horrible already, but being unable to find the motivation to do normal daily activities makes me feel worse. I don’t know what else to do…
Melissa, I would suggest that you find a really good therapist that specializes in PTSD. Something that really helped me was spending long periods of time without noise – no TV or music. Just quiet time to hear my thoughts and work on sorting out and coping with the emotions that went with each thought or memory.
{{{hugsss}}}
I have PTSD too. I have to fake being normal everyday. My parents don’t believe me and my brother just laughs at how I act sometimes. I think that if someone without PTSD got to see what we have to deal with (the voices that aren’t there, someone touching you when no one is there, the daily fight to not kill yourself, the flashbacks, having to curl up in a ball and pray that the people outside don’t come in when there really isn’t anyone outside….) it would really scare the hell out of them. I am thankful for my doc and my LCSW, I barely function as it is but without them I hate to think where I would be…..
I know exactly how it feels to have to “fake being normal” because I had to do it for years. It is EXHAUSTING.
I also understand how it feels when people don’t believe you. Since I “appeared” basically the same, no one could comprehend the Hell that was going on inside my brain.
People don’t have any idea how agonizing it is to have PTSD. Most people can’t handle it and that’s why there is such a high rate of alcoholism, drug abuse and suicide in PTSD sufferers. I’m glad you have people who are there for you. It is imperative to have at lease one person that is in your corner and it is even better when they understand what you are suffering.
I encourage you not to give up. You can defeat PTSD and eradicate it from your life. I am living proof that it can be done. {{{hugssss}}}
From Brian McCarthy you are living proff keep the good work up.
Please never give up I have a diagnosis I have several. Of them it will never difine who I am it never makes somebody else less than a person. Always keep your head up regardless even if you have to fake it eventuly you will forget what your faking. There are people that care I am a human being in a human body. But I have a soal in my veacle. I’m not going to preach but achoul and drugs make your symtoms worse. Listen we are all apart of God creates we are creaters. So if you were dealt a shitty hand. Through your cards on the table and pick up another deck. And don’t give up because you represent everybody with this coditon show the rest of are people how to keep pushing on. Keep your head up never give up.
Email me any time.
Best post I’ve ever read! Thank you so much for sharing about being tired but mostly just for your honesty. I have to go, I have to share this with everyone I’ve ever met!
I’m glad you found the post helpful or useful. 🙂
Wow what an Inspiration you are to me Mrs Redhead!! I have Ben diagnosed with PTSD and before I was diagnosed I was an addict on cocai. Or crack may I mention after my daughter was taken from me by dcfs because I have another problem going to the bathe bathroom in front if people which I found out through many nights of staying up til 4am that that is not fake either! But my daughters father decided he needed to calk dcfs and since I could not immediately give than a same I was considered dirty and unfit! I went into an extreme state of shock that nobody could ever understand unless they had PTSD! My father doesn’t get it or my family but I would rather them not than feel what I’ve felt. I wish they we’re there for me more but I can’t change there thoughts. I hope maybe thus will thank you soooo much for being you and being honest and putting your time to educate people out there how serious this is and you putting your voice outbthere can make such a difference in one persons life my prayers are with you God Bless you! If we had more peoe like you speaking up maybe we would have less death, less trauma, less agony if this painful disorder that is not obvious on our bodies yet killing on the inside. Thank you honey your an inspiration to me
I just found your website today. Could have used it a few months ago. I too suffer daily. My husband committed suicide in front of me after telling me he loved me. My life will never be the same. I went through 2 months of extensive therapy including EMDR with two therapists, three days a week. Though I am able to function without breaking down every day, I still struggle. Though my employer at the time was good with my taking the leave of absence, once I came back to work, my supervisor was down right cruel and abusive. I no longer work for that employer. I moved away from the area as everything continued to trigger the flashbacks, nightmares, extreme anxiety attacks. Now, they are once or twice a week. I struggle with leaving the house. To go to the grocery store takes hours of mental manipulation to push myself out the door. And I sometimes fear it’s getting worse. I have days when I’m motivated to clean house, work in the yard, and others where I just want to lay in bed and stare at nothing. I’m living with my only child and his family. I fear their tolerance of me is wearing thin. I’ve looked for some kind of group therapy in my area and have not been able to find anything. I don’t have insurance right now and of course, no income. This only adds to my stressors. I think the hardest part is the feeling of being so totally alone, even when there are people around me. Hiding away in my own little shell, wondering if the nightmare I’m experiencing will ever end. Reading your website has brought many tears to my eyes, breath caught in my throat, and the race of my heartbeat to my head. It’s a positive to know I’m really not alone out here. Thank you. Therese.
I need some help…. in the last two weeks my post traumatic stress has been getting worse and I didn’t really give it a second thought until yesterday. Here is my issue there is this woman that I love and care about so much she also has post traumatic stress but what has been going on lately mostly in the last two weeks is that I have not been able to control my anger and what comes out of my mouth. I have said so many hurtful things to her that I will regret for the rest of my life and it is a problem that I can’t fix now because she pretty much hates me and I know I deserve it but then again it was so uncontrollable and I have been trying to tell her that this is not me this isn’t how I am I would never want to hurt her to me she is everything the perfect woman but she doesn’t realize that different people have different reactions to post traumatic stress she thinks it is only how you deal with it but I know there is so much more to it but I can’t tell her because she knows everything and also because she is so done with she believes that I am just using it as an excuse.
What should I do how can I show her that I never mentioned what I said or try to hurt her feelings?
I’m sorry you have PTSD. My suggestion is to have her go to therapy with you. The third part will help her see this is not the “normal” you. {{{hugsss}}}
I just found out that I have ptsd by my psychiatrist, and I wad like never been in the service. But I had a bad life been in prison started early. And just saw alot of thing’s with in my own family. Started young, and i find my self always mad at everything. And I get very angry alot. My wife gets scared at times. But my two dog’s meen everything to me, if I didn’t have my dog’s don’t know what I would do. I can’t sleep and night, so my medications are changing. Now I have to see my phsycoligist and tell her. I need to talk with someone that really understands . And how my dog’s meen so much to me. Ppl tell me how come I don’t want to go to a bar b que. I tell them i need to stay with my dog’s and they don’t understand. Can someone respond to me, that understands. I’d appreciate it plz thx. Fernando estrada
I had an incident, when I used to work, where I fell down on the job. I bumped my head on something when I did, and I had flashbacks of my mother beating me on the head as a child instantly coming back to me. I was crying very hard. Many people at work thought I was faking it. They thought I was crying so hard to make them think that I was trying to make my pain/injuries worse than they were on purpose, so that I could maybe sue them or something. When I got the job, I made it known to my boss I had PTSD, but I didn’t really tell the other workers. I was in my early 30s at the time, and many of the other employees were only 20. These were the cruelest ones to me. I just didn’t know how to explain my PTSD to them, and I eventually ended up quitting the job, mainly because they seemed to do everything they could to try and get me fired anyway; telling lies about my work to the boss, and then the boss believing them because i’ts 5 people against one. I would like to work again one day, so much, but I just do not know how to deal with these types of people, that just do not understand, and I don’t know how to make them understand.
Hi,
First of all, thank you for your ability and desire to give hope and compassion to others amidst your own struggles. Something g still prevents me from showing love to others even though I feel it when I’m alone. It’s hard to feel love around other people because there is still so much fear. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 18 and went to college. It came out for the first time to anyone about being sexually abused continuously for 8 years. I had completely shut down and didn’t have any friends. I couldn’t let myself get close to anyone. I was always afraid and so sad and alone, I self harmed just to feel something because aside from fear I didn’t feel anything. I tried committing suicide several times and six months later, I was diagnosed with stage 4 brain/ sinus cancer and had intense doses if chemo and radiation. I had just met my ex fiancé and he showed me morem live than I could have ever wished for but after surviving I began using drugs and just couldn’t give him the love he deserved. He is still my friend to date and I’m not sure why after I hurt him so much. It has been 9years since my cancer, I am now 29 and I have had two cataract surgeries, lost all my teeth except six from the cancer treatments and not taking care if myself like I needed to after that. It’s hard to wear dentures and I feel hideous after having facial bones fall and deteriorate and have bad vision. I have lost everything that should have made me happy and right now am struggling with not giving up but don’t want to cause even more pain. I want to believe that it will get better. So many people in this works are suffering and I want to believe that there is something we can do but I’m so tired. I’ve tried therapy but right now have no access to therapy. I don’t know how to connect with life anymore. I’m worried about physical issues that I know lay ahead not so far because of effects from treatment. I lost my scholarship to grad school a few years back, been arrested several times for DUI and Marijuana which I still use. If I couldn’t feel joy before, how can I now, with nothing? I have lost all my friends because they couldn’t deal with my emotions. I have also been diagnosed with borderline personality and don’t want to be a source of pain for others. I am spreading the same cycle I was affected by. I don’t know exactly my intentions for writing but I want to be happy and overcome but so tired. I did have people try to love me but I couldn’t accept it and without love, what is life?
Thank you for allowing me to express my pain a little. Maybe you have some Suggestions, I don’t know.
Blessings to you!
I was just searching google for sleep insomnia techniques and I saw your blog.
I broke down instantly. No one unless someone who is/has experienced PTSD will never understand how painful and excruciating it is to feel as if you’re suffering alone. I was a victim of Rape at 13, have gone on to abusive relationships/friendships and left my narcissistic partner of 8 years last year. I was diagnosed with PTSD at 16, and never fully understood it until now. My random crying/angry episodes, lack of eye contact, sleep imsomnia, feeling detached from myself, loss of appetite and the list goes on..
I am on my quest to find the answers and have recently started keeping journals for both the good and the bad stuff so I’m not a constant ball of negative energy walking around. I am now in full tact of dealing with being a rape victim 13 years on and a victim of domestic violence, studying Psychotherapy and a mum of 2 young daughters.
I just want to thank you so so much for writing this and making other people who suffer realise they’re not alone in this, myself included.
Thank you for such a good post. I was diagnosed with PTSD two months ago after 8 months of fighting flashbacks and nightmares by myself. Only three people in the world know about it, and two of them are doctors. I got very lucky though and found a wonderful psychiatrist on the first try, and he’s helping tremendously. I know it’ll get better even if it doesn’t feel like it now :). I’m glad you recovered from it, I’ll get there one day too, every day is another chance to learn something.
Dear Sherry,
Thank you for your blog. Its the first time i have sat down and taken the time to read about others suffering rather than just articles on ptsd. My mother and I had a huge falling out around the time of my diagnosis as I was having major anger issues. Mainly due to her enabling of the abuse to start with and her never ending quest to prove that I am a 2nd rate family member. Not long after my diagnosis (12 months after I had a breast cancer diagnosis) and whilst I was in therapy she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She had surgery and treatment. Only a week ago she was also diagnosed with breast cancer. Everyone knows about my ptsd diagnosis but no-one comes near me. There is no support. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer she told all family members including my children and ex-husband and then told them not to tell me (as a punishment for not talking to her for the past 18 months). I was triggered instantly (I felt like everyone was ganging up on me) as I found out a week later through facebook posts of relatives talking about it (worlds worst kept secret). My family only care about her conditions and are all now avoiding me. In the end I sent them all a text stating I am sick of being bullied for having PTSD. My brother proceeded to come over and tell me how I should be acting (whilst I was in a triggered state) and justify all their reasons for excluding me. He stated that in her condition she was entitled to be selfish. Personally I think she has always been selfish so why should now be any different. All he managed to convince me of is that her feelings matter to them and mine do not. In the 18 months since my diagnosis, not one of them has done any research about PTSD, yet they expect me to believe (and try to convince me) that they care about me. My official PTSD diagnosis is with abandonment (due to my father disappearing out of my life and mum marrying a man who was violent emotionally and physically). I have had a life of being beaten and ridiculed, kicked out at 16 and not supported by them at any stage when I was down and suffering because of undiagnosed PTSD which steadily became worse. I have been homeless, lost my children and everything whilst they live in a 4br home alone and have a 4br rental property. They roll out the red carpet for my brother and sister while they treat me like crap. All because of a condition THEY caused!!! Its not fair. I constantly contemplate suicide as the battle some days is just too much. I constantly hear comments of how worthless I am in my head. I have flashbacks of the abuse and sometimes, if I am disagreeing with someone, it can spiral out of control as they say cutting things to me that trigger me and then blame me for my reaction. I am sick to death of constantly being blamed for it. Sooner or later I am just going to give up. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
This is the first page I have found that is not only medical facts, it’s a real person. Thank you. I was just diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety disorder. The doctor said that my case would be more difficult but not impossible. You see, I have many traumatic events in my life starting at literally age 1 that I can not only remember but relive from time to time. I actually thought that everyone had this. I’m not special and mine are probably not as bad as others.Just pull up my boot straps and get on with my life. I try but constantly seem to fail. I am able to put long spans of time together without any of these things bothering me (stuff and forget) and then BAMM! Absolutely out of no where, with triggers unknown i start to feel horrible. Dark thoughts,sick feeling body,loss of concentration,moodiness,high anxiety, the lot. I go through a period of worsening sadness, fear, regret,all most times unexplainable. Sometimes the smallest things will set me off like someone not helping me with something I asked them to do. I fly off the handle and start yelling which is the opposite of my normal demeanor, but I digress. After a period of gradual downward spiral ( time varies) I have about 4-7 days of super high energy. Not really manic, not happy or excited, just can’t sleep or complete thoughts and I speak a mile a second, etc. I had a mental breakdown when I was around 18. I put myself into a mental hospital. I spent a week in there. They said that I had had a mental breakdown,put me on some anti-depressants and a sleeping aid. When I got home from the hospital I had CPS show up at my door and I was evicted from my apartment because of the person that was staying at my place while I was hospitalized. never had any constant care after that until my first recent visit two days ago. I am now 38. My life has been a series of unfortunate and traumatic events. Some were not my fault and some were consequences of my own bad choices. Either way I have no idea where to start. Insurance is a horrible joke. I see one Dr. for medication but because of the unique way my insurance works ( they are cheap), I have to find a counselor to continue my care. So like any other person who needs help immediately but doesn’t want to go to the E.R. I did my research as soon as I got home and made many phone calls. Being that it was Friday on a holiday weekend did not help my cause. Only one returned my call and said that she is full of insurance covered patients right now but I could see her if I wanted to pay cash. I haven’t worked since the beginning of February due to mono,pneumonia,and kidney stones all at the same time(yep,this is how I do things), so clearly cash is not an option for me. My boyfriend does NOT understand any of this. He doesn’t believe, like I made it up so I could stay out of work longer,which is actually the absolute LAST thing I want. I tried to explain some of the feelings I am having but it’s hard when your brain feels like a million shards of glass from a shattered window pane. I am disconnected,lacking correct emotional responses, and having a very difficult time sleeping or functioning like a normal productive member of society. I need immediate help without the hospital visit. Do you have any advice on how I could do that and how to explain the things that are happening to me to people who don’t necessarily believe in mental illness? There are so many issues. Physical and sexual abuse(multiple occasions),deaths,abandonment. I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to feel these things anymore and I wish I could “get over it”. The biggest fear I have is not of dying or hurting myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone else(emotionally) with words, feelings,losing anymore people close to me or break-ups, And I REALLY don’t want to pass on this crazy to my children. I want to be able to teach them how to deal with situations not think their mom is cookoo.My son actually said,” How could you have depression? You are always happy. I have a friend at school who has depression and your not anything like him.” I had no answer. All I could think was that I have had a lot more years of practice in pretending. I will definitely be sharing this blog with my family and friends. Hopefully it can help them understand.Sorry this is so long. Thank you for taking the time to read it. Thank you for your information.
After watched on as the doctors try to resuscitate my wife who sadly died i suffer from flashbacks that put me right back its like being in that room over and over,people say get over it but I can’t I rarely sleep can’t concentrate and am always afraid something awful might happen
I’m so sorry Sean. I hope you have sought out the assistance of a therapist.
Thank you so much for this. I suffer from PTSD and it is so frustrating that people don’t get it. Very few people in my life rtake it seriously. They don’t understand that some days I do complicate taking drugs, drinking to unconsciousness, killing myself or all 3. It is so hard to feel alone through this knowing how real this condition is and how much it affects who I can be.
Dear redhead Sherry,
I am so grateful to you for your blog. You have saved my sanity and let me realize that I am not alone in feeling this way. At the age of 47 I had breast cancer. The operation was a relative snap, I had a fantastic plastic surgeon who took a muscle from my back and built it into a breast, so I never felt any sense of loss.
Then came chemotherapy. The first time was so horrific to me, that’s when I got PTSD. I knew I needed a therapist, but I figured that anyone who would be willing to treat me wouldn’t be any good. The end of chemo resulted in my immune system attacking my joints. I had to give up woodcarving, which was the second love of my life (my husband being the first). Sooo, three years later I had healed enough that I could lead a regular life.
Now, at the age of 72, I have been told that I have cataracts and need an operation. My husband was told the same thing at the same time. He has already had one eye done, and will have the second one fixed in three days from now. Me? Suddenly, my PTSD came roaring back. I shudder uncontrollably at times, just at the thought of that operation, and sometimes just shuddering with no thought at all. Everybody has told me the op is nothing, even my husband, who is trying to reassure me. Ha! Try telling my PTSD that.
Obviously, I thought I was crazy. Then I stumbled across your blog. I cannot thank you enough for helping me so much at this particularly trying time.
Ann
I’m so glad you found my blog helpful. That’s the one of the main reasons I have shared my horrible experience.
My husband almost died this weekend. I found him and was by his side until the ambulance arrived. They wouldn’t let me ride with him even thought I was his wife. I stayed by his side until he was thankfully fine to be discharged. He was drugged at a party and I’m a mess…wtf
I am so glad I found this! I thought for years I had mine under control but unfortunately I am learning that working as the manager in a bar is the WORST place for me. My triggers are all around me. I was beaten by my ex many times. His “I’m big your small” demeanor is everywhere. People get in my face and threaten me. People act crazy and even my boss has a lot to do with it. I had a really bad episode the other day that landed me in the hospital for the first time. I’d been doing counseling on and off for years but never stuck to it but yesterday was my wakeup call. My blood pressure was 168 and I was in danger of going in to cardiac arrest. I couldn’t breathe, kept having flash backs of all the people that hurt me. My trauma runs deep. Deeper than just my ex. I’m so glad I’m not alone. My boss is a former marine and of course he has PTSD but I still don’t think he even gets it. His normal “go to” is get over it. It’s done. Why worry about it bull and that just triggers me more.
My sister is in which i believe suffering from PTSD, she was a witness of a horrifying moment and alsoo during this time her best friend passed away from drug over dose, while all of this was going on someone called child protection services on her. So i believe from all the trauma that hit her in a maatter of months threw her into this. She believes that everyone close to her is leaving her and also she believes that her loved ones are rich and lives very wealthy and own airplanes. She before always believed in our heavenly father and now doesnt, she thinks that i can turn into other people. I try and talk to her all the time, i bring her food and take her places. Our mother has admitted her into the hospital several times but she can only stay 3 days in our city and after getting released she refuses to take her meds. Our family is lost and dont know what else to do!!! Please help
Was told I have some form of PTSD thearpist tell me I’m above there pay grade can’t help . Was am a fifth stage Lyme victims from the early 90s . The great debate era . Have had many misdiagnosis beside Lyme . What I called my vailidation issue meaning I have to prove everything I say is really PTSD or Cptsd . Really haven’t found a thearpist that will take me as a patient . Things got much worse after bad car accident had sever cervical injury that required three levels of fusion . After telling dr lawyers for three months I need a mri I got one and was basically rushed off to surgery .
Firing my 1st Atterony which got really wierd my second Atterony was a much more high caliber lawyer with enough understanding of injured people . Thank god for para legals with intuition . I never knew I suffered from PTSD seems hard to get help being non vet non female . Blogs like yours have helped thanks
Hi,
I read with interest a large portion ofvthis blog with interest..
I am the partner of someone with PTSD, we have been together for seventeen months now. The first three months were great. So much so that I thought I had found my forever partner. There was no sign of PTSD.
After the first three months things changed and symptoms of PTSD started emerging.
She has had some counselling and starting more therapy next year. Unfortunatly there is a long waiting list.
I want her to feel secure, valued, worthy etc. but I am struggling as a partner to know what I can do to help.. I have always made it clear that I am there for her at any time of the day or night. I am just a phonecall away..
The problems for me is that she seems completly emotionally detached now.. if I hug her, it’s like hugging a rag doll and she even pushes away a lot of the time and makes excuses..
Whatever I do is wrong. Whatever I say is wrong. I can’t get her to go out and do things. She is angry all the time with me. We are at the point where I just sit and say nothing for fear of saying or doing something wrong, nor do I want any cross words. I agree with everything she says for fear of an argument. I do everything she wants to do because she never wants to do anything I suggest.
She often acts as if i’m not even in the same room, she doesn’t speak or make any eye contact with me. I am just existing in her shadow waiting… and hoping she will say or do something pleasant.
It wouldn’t be so bad but she is only like this with me.
Can you tell please help me by telling me where I am going wrong.. and help me understand why it’s only me she is like this with. I’ve tried talking to her about it but it doesn’t work.
I love her and know what she can be loving and affectionate as she was was when we first started dating. I understand she is hurting from her PTSD but I am hurting because I want to help but she just pushes me away..
I at least hope this helps others in my situation know that they are not alone being the partner or a survivor.
Many thanks..
Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for the post as if u wrote how I really feel but I cant find the words to describe.
{{{hugsss}}} I’m so sorry you suffer with this terrible affliction.
Yep, PTSD is debilitating. I grew up in an abusive home. My dad had PTSD from Vietnam and my mom just went along with him. She was glad he made it home and was afraid he would become worse if she stood up to him. My childhood was pretty much Hell.
After my divorce from an abusive service member, I didn’t want to go back home. I joined the military myself because it was familiar to me. AIT was the best time of my life. Everything I did was golden (Distinguished Student, Floor Commander, squad leader, top PT scores, Soldier of the Month Board, and yada yada. I couldn’t wait for active duty.
SURPRISE! Here comes some educated white woman. Who does SHE think she is!?! I just wanted to do my job. I’m thankful that there were some folks that looked out for me as best they could. Wasn’t quite enough. Someone (a superior) felt the need to “take me down ANOTHER notch.” I didn’t say anything until he was gone. No one believed me.
There was more of people hurting and others trying to help me while I finished my four years. When I left the military, I was explosive, a ball of raw nerves. I fought hard to contain myself. Life steadily went down hill for about 15 years. The VA finally diagnosed me with PTSD.
I went through a 2 month in-house PTSD program. Best thing to ever happen to me besides AIT, my daughter, and my second husband. I’ll keep enrolling in the MST class at my local VA until ….whenever. It isn’t easy, but I’m making progress AND THAT is something.
Thank you for the opportunity to speak.
Hello!
Thank-you for your blog…. I know first hand PTSD is real! My partner of my child lost his mate at work of which he was right beside him and had to try and bring him back to life. I was also on that job site and after all the interviews were taken I was tasked with the responsibility to listen to all the voice recordings and scribe each one word for word. I was left with nightmares of my deceased work colleague standing in my donga and helicopters flying around in my room. I was also have flash backs from the treatment of my ex husband. I went and spoke to the Counsellor who was sent to our job site and she advised me of what was going on. Its been a struggle a roller coaster, my partner has been offered help this whole time from work, but refuses to admit he has a problem. I now know why as the counselling brings to the surface past trauma! His father was extremely physically abusive to him as a child and he just doesn’t want to deal with it. He binge drinks, becomes distant and withdrawn, sucks me in and spits me back out its almost mental abuse. He forgets that I was there too, that I know the pain, that I will always love him, I will always be there for him, but if he doesn’t get help the elephant in the room will always stay. We also have a beautiful 11 month old baby.. the struggle is real!!
I’m so sorry for the trauma you both have and that your partner isn’t admitting it. Maybe you can have him read about PTSD because you want to know if he thinks you have it and while reading he will admit to himself that he has it.
Hello,
Thank you for your good blog.
So you are healed now after some years? Because you wrote that can be healed.
I don’t know how this message is sent (private or public) but I’d like to take help in some things.
Hello, I am worried for myself and somewhat terrified by what I read. Im 36 and single with no children. I have no emotional support, and no one that I can talk to each and every day. I feel very alone and have thoughts of suicide frequently. I’m not ready to die…the thoughts of suicide feel more like being taunted by someone saying you should kill yourself…I was in a pretty bad car accident in 2012 and broke my neck and shoulder. I was diagnosed with ptsd about a year later but my insurance was then cancelled so I’ve never received any treatment. I struggle with letting anyone in because it seems everyone thinks this is the way i want things, alone and without purpose. Now it’s been 5 years since the accident, I’m broke and struggling with finding a job. My family acts like it’s my own fault. Some days are ok, others are really hard. Where do i turn?