Most of the time I offer positive, inspirational and uplifting blogging messages for several reasons:
- When my daughter reads my blog which is basically my journal writings to her, she will have my comfort even if I am no longer living on this earth.
- I believe that if I hear, read and speak positive thoughts then my attitude will help me make it through the more difficult mountains in life.
- I want to positively inspire my readers to believe in their inherent value as human beings and let them know that they are never alone – I too have suffered and understand far more than I have even blogged about thus far.
With that said, I sit in front of my computer monitor feeling like an alien from another planet, completely out of oomph and inspiration. This posting is really for my family because I know at this point they are speechless and do not know how to help me. So if you don’t want to know the darker side of The Redhead Riter, there is that little “x” in the top right hand corner that is beckoning your cursor to click it. Otherwise, here I go with the raw emotions…
Let’s start with Alyssa’s tragedy. Having Alyssa’s life hang by a thread for five days in the middle of May changed me as I know it has changed my family in one way or the other. I think as my child lay unconscious in the intensive care unit, a piece of my mind went insane, jumped off a cliff and died.
I was already struggling to financially support my family because my husband was without work, so the financial strain along with the medical tragedy of my only child, proved to be too much for my mind to handle. Even when she was out of the woods and lived, my mind was still in a foggy mess somewhere in another uncharted galaxy.
But…I pushed on and continued to try to be and do my best in all areas of life. My family often wanted me to SNAP out of it and the lecturing has been endless because they don’t know what else to do, but it just really made it worse in many ways.
Personally, I think I have failed miserably, but that is irrelevant at this point.
Then in August, after almost a year, my husband gets hired by another firm and I start to feel the weight and responsibility of all the financial obligations lift from my shoulders. I even begin to genuinely feel happy without faking it. I started to make a concerted effort to help my brain get over so much trauma.
It appeared that life just might be stable and be easier.
Appearances are deceiving.
Every day I talked to my Dad a minimum of twenty minutes, but often he would forget that he had already told me of his latest antics or new joke and he would call me back in a few hours to repeat it all again. I was always happy just to hear his voice since I was deprived of that relationship for so many years. So when he called or vice versa, any conversation was better than none. I usually hung on his every word like a first grade little girl. Pathetic isn’t it?
I do know that it was Dad’s choice to leave me out of his life for so long, but forgiveness means that you simply let it go. I did and that is why I enjoyed years and years of very wonderful phone conversations and visits with him. Forgiveness is so freeing to the heart, mind and spirit.
At that point of my life, I was able to talk to Mom and Dad every single day. I finally felt the healing powers of parents that love me. It is a priceless gift. Something deep inside me was “fixing” itself with each communication.
But my happiness was too short lived and even though my mind was still foggy and shaken from the “Alyssa experience,” I was thrust into the fearful and agonizing world of Dad having cancer. Not just any cancer, but two of the most aggressive cancers which manifested in his lungs and bones.
I got on my knees and cried, screamed and agonized with “God’s will” which is far over rated. I couldn’t pray the “right” Christian prayer. Since Dad was going to die and there was no way to “cure” him, I begged God to take him quickly. I didn’t add “thy will be done” to the prayer because I simply wanted Dad to die quickly and not suffer or I wanted a complete miracle.
My soul was tormented with pain. I ached inside with the pain from knowing I was losing Dad and losing the opportunity to make up for lost time even if it was just a notion in my head. All that was heaped on top of still suffering the trauma (diagnosed as PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Styndrome) from Alyssa’s near death. Although I desperately wanted to be selfish and keep Dad here on the earth, I just couldn’t pray for him to stay longer while in agonizing cancer pain.
Two months after the cancer diagnosis Dad died. I believe his spiritual body stepped out of his mortal body as he left me behind to cope with the huge gap in my life that only he could fill. All hopes of Dad living with me some day were shattered as he took his last breath. I can’t ever lift the phone and hear his voice tell me anything nor can I put my arms around his neck and smell Old Spice. I can’t hear him share excitement over cooking a new recipe or laugh at a prank he pulled. I can’t make him another Christmas present.
Gone. He is simply gone. Memories in my heart aren’t enough and that is all I really have now.
Before I went to Dad’s funeral, I put all his clothes in bags to bring home. With his funeral service a few hours away, I lifted clothes that he once wore. They looked like him. They smelled like him. With each piece of clothing, my heart wrenched a little bit more. All I knew was that I needed his clothes more than anything else he owned. I am going to make my sister and I quilts from his clothes so that we can wrap ourselves in all that we have left of him. It is as close to his hug as we will have again. Maybe it will help my heart heal.
The pain of losing Dad has truly been unbearable. I can not find comfort from anyone or anywhere.
I feel hollow.
But it doesn’t end there. Oh no, a reprieve was just too much to ask for, I guess. Next, my husband was laid off…again.
It has to be an evil, vicious joke, but I didn’t cry or scream. I was really in too much shock and already in a foggy, hollow state, so it just didn’t hit me.
Well, it didn’t hit me until last Saturday when I decided that “Life Sucks And Then You Die,” and I also concluded that God has me on the black list of less desirable children. Since He is an omnipotent being full of grace and light, there is no way that He can “hate” me, but He can surely put me on a black list which is akin to being the black sheep in a family.
I’m sure my mother and all my Christian readers are flipping through their scriptures to tell me differently, but I am not Job and I do not have his strength.
Anyway, two weeks prior to Tom’s job loss, Alyssa’s dog decided that she would chew off Alyssa’s bra strap. Bella already had been caught chewing on underwear, shorts, shirts, plastic, walls, carpet, toilet paper, paper towels…need I continue? We kept looking for this bra strap because it still had both metal clips attached.
Remember, this little dog is LITTLE. Bella is still under six pounds and is a toy poodle in all senses of the word. She just looks like a ball of red fluff.
Never in our wildest dreams did we believe that she could swallow the entire bra strap, but that is what happened. Apparently, it had been in her stomach and then decided to try to take on the rest of the digestive route. So first one metal clamp passed from her stomach into her intestine followed by the strap material. However, the clamp on the other end got hung up at the opening of the stomach. Bella’s intestines kept trying to pull it through slowing turning everything into a knotted mess of intestines and stomach.
Bella was dying.
We rushed her to emergency surgery where they had to cut open her stomach and her intestines through a very long incision on her under belly. No one was sure if she would live or die. Bella’s intestines didn’t want to work and she kept throwing up stomach acid, so it just added to the whole dilemma.
Each moment throughout the week, we have been fearful of her death. Alyssa, of course, also suffers guilt since it was her bra that was eaten. Obviously, Alyssa was freaking out.
Now it is Friday evening and Bella is home…alive. She appears to be out of immediate danger because she has not developed a temperature, continues to eat, drinks from her bowl and best of all, Bella can poop. I guess the proper term is defecate, but I never use that word and Alyssa hates it. We both think it just sounds nasty.
Don’t get me wrong…I am very grateful for so many things such as:
- both Alyssa and Bella are alive
- my mother is still alive
- my dad died quickly and didn’t have to suffer years of agonizing cancer pain
- my family loves each other
- I have a great brother-in-law who loves me like a sister which is huge because as we all know, in-laws don’t always treat you like family and it is the basis of many jokes especially the mother-in-law jokes
- my daughter has a great work ethic and loves her job and career path
- I work for a good company
- I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, shoes on my feet and food on my table
- I know why we come to the earth and where we go after we die
Those are some major things to be thankful and I am very grateful for them all.
But.
I am worn out emotionally.
I just can’t take any more trauma because I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.
Dad popped into my mind today and I thought, “I bet he is having a great day. He might even be laughing and talking to my grandparents. Dad is happy and I feel like life sucks.”
Yeah, I know it could be so much worse and that is my fear. I’m afraid to know what terrible tragedy is going to happen next. I don’t want to have to cope with anything else.
I want to be off God’s black list. Aren’t I as good as other people who are breezing through life happy, healthy and financially strong? Doesn’t God want to help me? Do I deserve this much pain? I know the “right” answers to those questions, but I sure don’t feel like any of it applies to me.
My advice is that I don’t have any advice. Right now I am clinging to the things my mother taught me when I was a young child…
Matt. 6: 19-21
- 19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
So my dear family and Alyssa, I’m having a very tough time just existing. I can’t do or be all that I used to do or be…yet…I hope. I am trying desperately to believe that God still loves me and that I am not doomed to live a life of constant turmoil or unhappiness. I apologize that I can not do it all any more and that I might be somehow failing you. I feel so inadequate and defeated. I feel as though I have failed you. I feel as though I have failed myself. I have no idea why I feel this way, but I do.
Alyssa, please remember the many miracles that saved your life and Bella’s life. There were many undeniable and unexplainable things that happened. Your Father in Heaven loves you and keeps on blessing your life.
I’m tired. I am very, very tired.
Thank you for being my family. I love you all very much.
My dear readers and friends…Please let me say thank you for being there for me with hugs, lunch, snacks (shhhhh), emails, messages, phone calls and chatting on Twitter, Facebook and in my community. I know you all care and appreciate your efforts on my behalf.
Please know that I am trying very hard to “be myself” again. I feel so lost and empty.
Matt. 5: 3-12
- 3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
All I can say, you and your family are in my prayers.
My heart goes out to you, and there are no words, just making it day by day.
adding up prayers from my little corner of the interwebz to the great beyond. take special care of yourself. *gentle hugs*
I, too, will say a prayer for you tonight. Please know that that ache you have from your dad's passing, though it will always be there, will one day grow more dull and bearable.
My sister lost her son, aged 18, in a car accident. There were 3 in the car. The other two walked away without even a scratch. It was the worst thing my family has faced. I'm not sure she (my sister) would have made it through without her faith, even though it felt very weak at times, and the faith and prayers of those that loved her.
Again, I will remember you tonight. God bless you, Red.
My Dearest Daughter, I know what suffering is and I know that life is hard for you right now. It is the darkest before the sunrise and it is the blackest before the rainbow. We have to step out side of our selves and look at our mess and then with a broom of faith and a rag soaked in the atonement of Christ we begin to clean up. We start with what reality is , we all must die. It is a part of life. You have been facing the wind for too long. Our children, our parents our mates all make choices that ripple across our life and cause much heart ache. We have to be able to not allow it to consume us as Satan would desire it too. You are not those you love, you are a special being who those you love are privileged to have you in their life. You are one, a soul of your Father in Heaven, and he does love you but he cannot take away free agency form any one for us. You are not alone, and that space of empty in side of you should be filled with not just memories but of hope of all eternity of being with dad. You have lost perspective, and your health is suffering. Your diabetes may need help too. So as mom who also will not live forever, is telling you that you are special to all who love you. Those are the ones you allow in your life right now. those that use you, back away and free your self from the clutches of their selfishness. I love you, with all my heart, I have not called or bugged you this week and I have missed you BUT I understand your need. Every one has trials, if they don't then Satan has them in his favor. Trust your faith, though it be weak, the Lord knows your pain and he it there, I promise you this. Alyssa , love your mother, be kind to her and live as you have been taught for the life and trials of those dear souls like your moms who tries so hard to live the Gospel has it this hard, how much more do you think those who do not will have it!!! Sherry I am here my child, I love you more than words can say and I too am on my knees and I know he will come through. Now that is preaching, and I am proud to do so.
It works,I promise you.
love mom
I wish I knew where you are. I would come try to help you. Things will get better. You need to have faith in that.
I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. It scares me to think that God uses what we go through to prepare us for other things. I've worried about "what might be next," too. However, I've lived long enough to realize that God IS Faithful. He never gives us more than we can handle. He never leaves us. He will carry us.
You need to save your list of all your blessings. Mine is called my Faith Milestones. I get it out and read it when I get discouraged. As a fellow redheaded "riter (with two stories in a new hardback Chicken Soup gift book!), who is not thrilled about getting older, I know I like you already! Hang in there! Check my first blog entry "I'm Somebody!" About my stories. You are stronger than you realize. Times may be hard, but you still have family….Hang in there!
I'll be back! http://www.dancingonthejourney.blogspot.com
Just breathe. There are day and weeks where we just have to hang on. This too will pass.
I know how important positive thinking is, inspirations etc, yet staying authentic to yourself you have showed the different facette of you. It is still you, deserving as we all are.
My dear sweet child,as I read your blogg today my heart sank. When I was your age I too saw lots of heartaches and thought why me? I tried to live as I was suppose to but still the hurts came, it took me years to understand that when I was in the valley that my Lord was trying to teach me things but I did not see it that way. Now that I am older and a little more wiser I understand more. Soome of those heartaches I did not change when I could have so my Lord let me choose, I closed my eyes to them. But now I see things different, first I do not let things happen to me that I once would accept, I am better than that, the Lord says I am important also. Second, some things I cannot change or control. I have to make the best of them. If it is my family I stand tall and strong because they will need me and I need to be there to love them no matter what has happened. Time will heal your heart concerning your dad. No, all the pain will not go away. I long to hold my mother once more and tell her I love her and I am glad I could be here to help her. I would love to take my dad in my arms and tell him how much I love him. I was very close to both of them. It hurt me to see them suffer day by day. But I had to have the strength to help them and make it better for them. You are a beautiful person inside out.You have much love to give and there are lots who long for it and need it. My faith kept me going and your mother. Growing up we did not have lots but we had each other. The Lord will not give you more than you can carry. I will not take any answer except what do you want me to do Lord? He will give you all you need, strength, love, happiness, peace, energy, smiles and yes sometimes even tears. They are important, did you know that? At the cross that day, some were speachless, not a sound was made but the tears they were there that day. They rolled down Marys face as her son hung there, the deciples had tears as they thought of him but John was there and I am sure he also had them. When hurts come, words are useless, then the tears come to show our love, joy, happiness, and yes, heartache. When I was your age and younger, I too never thought of heartaches, mom and dad was living, old people were dyeing, or so I thought. No I was getting older and not thinking about it. I wish I was as smart as you but I am not so I settle for the bit I know, lol. I thank the Lord for Blessing me with what I have. In a minute that could be all gone. There ia a lot of truth in the fact that we learn as we get older. I did not say you would like what you learned. Not too many years from now you will be busy holding your grandchild. Yes it will be here before you know it and how sweet it is. Get up this morning and Thank the Lord for your day and for all you can do in that day. Do not look at yesterday but look at today and what you will make of it and whose life you will touch today and make a difference in. I love you with all my heart and I just wished I could let you see what my eyes see when I open them. Much love sent your way.
I understand completely. I was led last night to pray really hard for you. That prayer was answered, that you were okay physically. Now you need time. Just listen to Mom, she gives good advice.
Oh Sherry… I wish I could reach through cyber space and give you a HUGE REAL ((HUGS))!!
As one that lives regularly (and currently) in a similar state, I always have to do silly things that will distract me from the downward spiral. (Hubby calls it all "time-wasters" but is patient about it as he knows it sure beats the alternative…
No one knows your heart and pain you're going through. They can be compassionate, but EVEN someone in the EXACT same position will not experience it the same… So blow off the individuals that are clueless as being ignoranuses (pun intended) and get through however YOU CAN! The command to "snap out of it" is really NOT a helpful thing to say… We are NOT talking a case of the minor blues, here… Please, don't be caught up in stigma… it shows strength, not weakness, to seek medical help from a trusted provider. Even if this is not a long term thing… Short term help can get you through without nearly as many emotional scars. And it's a quicker route out of a deepening pit.
Your post and your mom's response brought tears to my eyes… (OK, that's not a difficult thing…) You are so loved and blessed, even though it is often difficult to see. Sometimes we have to consciously force the reminders… other times we have to just give in a little and let it out. We are only human, after all.
I am grateful that Bella will be OK!! That ended up being quite an expensive bra! Poor Alyssa, too! Give her a ((HUGS)) from that crazy bipolar lady that stalks her mother.
I'm keeping you in my prayers!! (((HUGS)))
I have no words but you are in my thoughts.
I, too, am in a valley and if I climb out before you…I will share the path.
As I sat here reading your post, tears welling up in my eyes, i am almost ashamed to admit I felt relief…selfishly. See I too have been, AM where you are. I KNOW that empty, hallow feeling where you are just moving through life waiting for the next horrific thing to happen.
I wont go into detail but like you I have believed that I am on god's black sheep list. tragedy runs deep for me and sometimes I literally can not breath waiting for the next shoe to drop. I have seen so much pain, loss. Loosing my dad to suicide was altering and I fear even after 7 years a void will never be filled.
I felt like I was the only one that had to deal with this internal pain and agony. To feel like no one understands, that you have to put on a false face to make it through the day just waiting for the next horrific shoe to drop.
All I can say is that stupid saying "time heals" well I believe it does NOT heal, but time does allow you to grow, comprehend and process.
I am so sorry you are going through this and I do wish I had some advice….but i dont. all i can say is make sure you do SOMETHING every day that brings you joy,writing anything YOU like… eventually one day your mind will focus on the joyful things rather than the painful hallow feeling each day.
Lifting you up in spirit my blogger friend!
Nothing I can say will make things better but I will be praying for you. {{hugs}}
Sherry, we can all say that we understand, and alot of us do. All I can do is say that by writing all of this down it did help you I am sure. Many are the times that the tears come as the fingers hit the keys. It allows the pain to flow from our hearts out into the world and hopefully scatter. Someone more spiritual or religious might quote that "God only gives us what we can handle", and I'm pretty sure that is true. But gosh, it makes you wonder how strong God thinks we are sometimes doesn't it? I would say that since the "Bella" incident things will look up. Why? because there aren't many things that are "crappier" than dog poop right? Look at things in reverse. Now Bella can poop….what's the next step up? You always make me smile when I read you. This post also made me smile. Because you will be fine. I believe that. Besides, you and I can talk…while God has you on the back burner I'm "on hold" on the God line!
Dear Red,
I can certainly relate to feeling like one of God's black sheep and not a member of his tender flock, but God does not blacklist his children even when we deserve it. Sometimes bad things happen to good people…sounds cliche, I know. But this is the answer I give when I ask myself, "why me, Lord?!"
Please give yourself time to deal with all that has happened/is happening to you.
Much love!
I'm so sorry for all the pain you've been going through. I'm new to your blog but I already appreciate you and your honesty. May you feel held and loved, friend.
You wrote to your family and Alyssa:
"I apologize that I can not do it all any more and that I might be somehow failing you. I feel so inadequate and defeated. I feel as though I have failed you. I feel as though I have failed myself. I have no idea why I feel this way, but I do."
Dear Redhead Riter — I am sure that your family would be the first to tell you that you have not failed them — and you have not failed yourself (even though you think you have) — nor have you failed your friends.
As hard as it is right now, in the emotional state that you are in, please try and wipe those thoughts from your mind that you have failed anyone — including yourself.
You are loved more than you can possibly ever imagine. If you believe anything — believe that.
You have an entire community of friends who love you, care about you and are praying for you.
It was such a relief just hearing from you and not being left in the dark about what was happening. So thank you for writing this post Life Sucks And Then You Die — and for sharing with us what you were going through.
You wrote, "So if you don't want to know the darker side of The Redhead Riter, there is that little 'x' in the top right hand corner that is beckoning your cursor to click it. Otherwise, here I go with the raw emotions."
You talked about showing us the "darker side of The Redhead Riter." I do not think you showed us the darker side of yourself. What I feel you showed us was the very human side of The Redhead Riter — the vulnerable woman who was hurting and feeling depleted inside.
And who among us has not experienced at some point in our lives pain, despair and the feeling of total emptiness? To me that sounds like you're human.
Redhead Riter, just know that you are in our thoughts and in our hearts and that we are all collectively sending you our love and praying for you.
I'm sorry to hear of your suffering at this time. Just be aware that there are those who care for you and that you are not alone. Might I suggest counseling, through your church possibly. There are places who can help and it's for free very often. Sometimes, talking to those "in the same boat" helps. BTDT for various situations, such as divorce and death.
Good luck to you. I'm glad you can count your blessings. You are stronger than you know. Seek help and give yourself time and you should do fine.
Hey Precious Gal! Yes, I could preach, but I think your mom said it all. NO ONE could explain it any better. Just remember Proverbs 3:5 which says Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Precious, God doesn't have a "black list". There is no such thing as a black sheep in His eyes. He is no respecter of persons, remember? He loves you. You have so many people that love you and want to see you through this "dark"time, but mom is always the best. Maybe it's because I don't have mine to lend her shoulder to me, but even as much as I love my husband, I sometimes just wait until he goes to bed and just cry out to my mom about what I am feeling. You know you can even talk to your dad too? It helps, it really does.
You are so precious to me. You will never understand why. I know I brag about your computer and blog abilities, but there is more to it. A special feeling I have in my spirit. I can't explain it. I've felt it for a long time, and the strange thing is we have yet to even talk to each other. Just know that you will come through this, I promise. I know it's hard, but you will overcome. God will not fail you.
Love ya Bunches!
PJ
Dear Sister in the Lord,
I don't write you off at all for anything you say. You have been through some rough things, and the fact that you even still believe in God and tell Him how you feel means you haven't veered so far off the path as you might think. Or at least as others might think. This is not the time to bombard you with Scripture or God's will, my dear friend. Now is the time to be a listener and a comforter. Job's friends were wonderful as they listened to Job for a week without opening their mouths. Then they opened their mouths, and out spewed horrid criticism.
I have not had a lot of grief at this point in my life. I had a really nasty divorce though where I learned a lot. I can remember being so low down that I didn't even know what to say to God. I didn't need to hear that I was wrong for divorcing my mentally ill husband. Thankfully not many said that to me. It was actually harder when people told me for so many years that I needed to divorce him but I had no Biblical reason.
So, my friend, it's okay. Tell God how you feel. Let it all out. After all, He has broad shoulders. I felt a couple years ago that he was being a mean father in telling me what I couldn't do and depriving me of the fun things I wanted to do. You know, He knows what we are thinking anyway. Thanks for sharing your heart with us!
Great that you wrote this ~ Life does suck many times and then you die ~ You are experiencing what Christians would call the Dark Night of the Soul ~ Honor it ~ honor and validate all of it ~ take time you need to heal ~ Only you know what will work for you ~ the answers all lie within ~ listen to that Voice and go with it ~ One step at a time ~ The human Spirit is very strong and you are coming through this ~ Be gentle with yourself and remember you are fine just the way you are! I am sending distant healing energy your way ~ forgive yourself and others and take a moment by moment each day ~ hugs and namaste to you, dear one.
God doesn't send us trials and tribulations but he DOES provide us everything we need to overcome such. God never leaves us or forsakes us (Hebrews 13:5).
Satan sends us trials and tribulations but thank God he can't attack with any weapon that is greater than what God has provided US as weapos. Our weapons are spiritual while satan is limited to things common to mankind. We have access to the full armor of God.
His word says "but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape that ye may be able to bear it" (1 Corinthians 10:13)
I've been reading a little booklet titled "Faith and Patience" written by Kenneth Copeland. It's only about 3" x 5" but I pack it everywhere with me. It's been a true life saver during a very challenging mental/emotional/spiritual time for me.
I hold His words close to my heart : "Therefore, I say unto you. What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them and ye shall have them". (Mark 11:24)
When those bad feelings reach dark arms up to pull me down, I immediately kick them away and reach for a better feeling. I'm learning to refuse to acknowledge the darkness or to give it credence and in doing so it is ceasing to exist. It no longer has any authority over my life.
Funny I'm quoting scriptures and sounding preachy. I haven't stepped foot in a church in more years than I can recall and I'm not any particular religious affiliation, BUT I've always felt I had a direct connect to God and I trust in him explicitly.
I pray that he will guide and direct you through this challenging time.
Sending lots of love and warming hugs your way….