This posting is a continuation of Having An Affair Part 1 which is the story of my friend, Sophia.
“While we were dating and during our earlier years of marriage, Mark was always courteous and kind. When we disagreed, he didn’t yell. Actually, we didn’t disagree that often and we always had a resolution,” Sophia began. “By the time our first child was born, Mark had received several promotions at work resulting in a very lucrative ‘office’ job. One evening he arrived home and without even a greeting, asked me how the oil spot got on the driveway. I told him that I had no idea. I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. I tried to concentrate on the happy sounds of neighbor children playing outside as it drifted in through the open kitchen window.”
At this point, I began to tense because I had a bad feeling about the turn Sophia’s story was taking and I feared the ending.
“I like my kitchen. Do you like my kitchen?” she asked in more of a thoughtful statement than a question.
“Uh huh,” was my short reply.
She continued unhurriedly. “He asked me if anyone had come over to visit and I told him that no one had visited, but that seemed to anger him.”
“‘Who has been to the house today?!'” he shouted.
“‘No one,’I told him and the look of anger on his face scared me,” Sophia said. “I hadn’t ever seen that look on him before and it was almost deranged.”
“That’s when he slapped me across my face so hard that I heard bells ringing and saw the lights flickering. My face was burning and my jaw ached. I grabbed my face and cried out in pain, but that seemed to only anger him more. He pushed me into the cabinet, held my head between both his hands and screamed into my face that if he ever caught another man with me he would kill us both.”
I could tell that Sophia had wanted to share her story with someone for a long time because the words just kept tumbling out of her and she didn’t even expect a response from me at all. My insides, however, were churning.
“Not only was I hurting, but I was so shocked by his behavior that I didn’t know what to do or think. Mark let go of my head after he slammed it into the cabinet hard enough to give me an immediate headache.”
At this point she stopped and sighed, “That seems like such a long time ago.”
Then she continued, “I didn’t really have any idea how the oil spot got on the driveway or why it mattered. Where did the idea of another man come from because I felt that we had a strong marriage and cheating on him had never entered my mind? I heard him go out the front door slamming it behind him and drive away. I felt lightheaded and as I went to the bathroom to inspect my face, I reached up to the back of my head to feel a large knot. When I brought my hand down in front of me, I realized that there was blood all over my hand. My head was bleeding from being knocked into the cabinet so hard. I got another mirror so that I could inspect it. I needed stitches. I had no idea how I would explain this to the hospital especially since his hand had left a very bright red print on my face. I was still quite shaken, but I called the neighbor girl to come over and babysit my son so that I could go to the hospital.”
Sophia stopped and helped her youngest, Jeremy, blow his nose. He was only a one year old then.
“I barely remember the drive to the hospital or getting stitched up,” Sophia continued. “I vaguely remember explaining that I fell and all the nurses looking at me like I was a liar. I held to my story no matter how many people they paraded in front of me. Then I drove home, put my son to bed, and waited anxiously for Mark to get home which he did well after midnight. He came in, went into the bathroom, got in the bed and didn’t even speak to me. Actually, he didn’t even acknowledge my existence in the bed. For a long time, with my eyes unable to shut, I just stared at the ceiling listening to him breathe. My face and head ached, but my heart ached even more. Eventually I fell asleep and in the morning when I awoke, Mark had already left for work.”
All I could think to say was, “That is so awful Sophia. I’m so sorry.” I knew it sounded lame, but I’m not a trained professional psychologist and I was shaken by the memories she was sharing with me.
I could hear her children crying in the background. Sophia promised to call me again soon, but had to go attend to the children’s dinner and wishing me goodbye, hung up.
does not only
happen to adults.
Forty percent of girls
ages 14 to 17
report knowing someone
their age who has been hit
or beaten by a boyfriend,
and approximately one in five
female high school students
reports being physically
and/or sexually abused
by a dating partner.“
~Dianne Feinstein~
Having An Affair Part 2
Having An Affair Part 3
Having An Affair Part 4
Having An Affair Part 5
Having An Affair Part (final)
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I'm sitting here reading your post and my heart aches for Sophia.
I have had two very good friends who were in abusive marriages. One of them is still in this hell. At one time he beat her so bad that she died. Luckily her kids gave her CPR and the paramedics got to her in time. She and the children insisted that she tripped and fell.
I have always wondered why? Why do women stay in abusive relationships. My husband helped me to understand a little. Sometimes this is all they know. Maybe their Mothers were abused by their fathers. Sometimes they have such low self-esteem, this is what this friends problem is. It is so sad because she is such a beautiful loving person.
Thank you for talking about this.
Ouch. This is painful to hear. And that she didn't call the police on his @$$. Makes me sad and angry.
You may remember I am divorcing my husband due to domestic violence. The police took him away in handcuffs. We still are battling in court but I will never go back.
http://mainfo.blogspot.com/2009/07/domestic-violence-how-much-is-too-much.html
Thank you for sharing this. I know it is hard, but so worthwhile and you never know who it might reach.
Mental abuse is even worse than the physical abuse, although physical abuse is horrible in itself but you can be mentally abused without being physically abused and you don't even realise how bad you're suffering!
domestic violence is a vicious cycle. every time a woman gets up the courage to share her silent pain, it's a sign that she is ready to do something about it. every time a woman gets up the courage to leave her abuser, it's win a for other survivors. tfs!
Wow. I happened to come over today through SITS, and wow. This kind of thing is so hard to digest, but it's so important to share. I hope that by sharing your friend's story, you're able to help someone in a similar position. Domestic violence happens all too often.
Women often put too much pressure on themselves and have a hard time accepting the fact that in instances of abuse, that they didn't play a part in it. They sometimes cannot accept, that things happen to them, without trying to interject themselves into the situation. As if they've caused the reaction.
When I'd hear stories of domestic violence I used to be angry and say things like "If my husband EVER did that, it'd be the last time! But I realize now that the way people react has much more to do with underlying issues and it's not so cut & dry.
I'm proud of all who can find the courage to stand up and walk out. I am so sad for those who won't ever get the chance.
What a true friend you are to be able to listen to her without rash judgement. It's hard for women being abused, it's hard to leave, hard to keep going, hard to simply live without the fear that it will happen again. But I hope for every abused woman, she sees that this is a life she can choose to walk away from. I honestly wish I knew what goes through an abuser's mind, it's so hard to understand how someone can believe this kind of treatment is acceptable. x
Oh dear. This is very bad and I have a feeling we're headed somewhere worse…
Wow, Red, I know it's an awful situation for Sophia, but now you have her memories, what do you do with them. It's true mental abuse is awful, but physical abuse can kill! I want to see how you handled this. Thanks for the post that will bring mental and physical abuse awareness. It's out there, and still, in most cases, a secret kept by all involved.
So many people live this way! I am so thankful that I am NOT, and never have been, one of those people.
You are doing a great thing posting this. Who knows how many women will be saved.
Lisa@
All That and a Box of Rocks
I'm sure this post will help someone. I'm so thankful that I have never had to live with anyone hitting me.
I've left you a little award on my blog, I hope you can come over and check it out!=D
I've left you a little award on my blog, I hope you can come over and check it out!=D
I'm sorry I'm coming in late on this. My heart just breaks for poor Sophia. I'm so thankful that you have been there for her, even though it is very difficult for you. You are such an amazing woman.
This brings back some very painful memories for me, as well. I'm so glad my story has had a happy ending. I hope this one does, too.
{{HUGS}}
Teresa <><
I am sorry I haven't been back for a few days… but I know that this situation is a hard one to be in and I feel for you. I am also glad that Sophia has you to talk too.
Thank you for bringing this to light and for being a good listener. Abuse, in any form should not be allowed or tolerated. But, I can say for myself, I had low self esteem and thought I was to blame. He made me feel as if I was to blame. This can get caught in the heads of so many women who are taught to "take care" of their husbands. What gets lost in this train of thought is that husbands are to "take care" of their wives.
No one deserves to be abused It is those that abuse who should be ashamed.
Lori @Here All Along
I often wonder also why women stay in abusive relationships – on the other hand, having been a woman that was married to an abusive man, I know that if you let them, they will convince you it's all your fault. "why do you make me hit you?" Some women may believe that line of crap & feel guilty. Thank God I wasn't one of them. sammiejanL40 at aol dot com